No, I have not read your entire sitch. What sort of crisis were you in for 5-10 years? I was unaware of that. If your husband stuck by you thru your own prior infidelity, drug use, or some sort of other life crisis that would probably change my view somewhat.
I'm not agry with you at all! I hope that isn't coming across. Frustrated? Sure. Know this about me: I absolutely DETEST affairs, with every fiber of my being, and I will help anyone who wants my help to fight them. I've seen first-hand what they can do to a family, and have counseled literally hundreds of people thru them. I don't believe in rewarding bad behavior, and when I see what I perceive to be someone doing that, I usually speak up.
I'd have to go back and read what sort of "boundaries" you were laying previously, and what specifically happened that you are defining as "not working." I will say this, however:
One of the misconceptions about DBing, in my opinion, is the "Do what works" thing. The problem is that people mis-define "works" as being "what doesn't make her/him angry" and "what makes her/him act nice towards me." Instead of as "what moves me further along down the path toward a mutually-healthy and committed marriage."
Sometimes one has to take a short-term "hit" in the "nice" department in order to solidify a healthier, longer-term gain.
Is your husband being "nicer" to you right now? Depends on how you define "nice." I don't think there's anything "nice" about continuing to cheat on your spouse, no matter how friendly you treat them when you're around them! In fact, I would say it would be far "nicer" of him to end his affair, even if it means he's then depressed and a bit snippy with you as he goes thru the withdrawal.
If you feel what you're doing is working for you, then I certainly don't want to have my posts upset you. I try to offer my help in those situations where people are noticing that the "be their friend" thing ISN'T working, and are ready to try a tougher approach.
