more turtles by my side...

[zig]

thanks starsky - for posting this - it was excellent to read. i really appreciate it.

i will say though that i almost feel a bit of anger/frustration from you towards me for the way i'm handling my situation with my h. i really hope it was not based on that post this morning - that is not the attitude i am taking.

i don't know if it will help you to understand where i'm at right now if i explain, but i will anyway.

I treated h like shite from the beginning - in his eyes. I criticized him from morning to night - non-stop. i didn't see my comments as criticism at the time - i didn't understand that what i thought were "observations" , he took it as me constantly telling him that i didn't approve of him at all. setting aside everything else (his own behavior etc), there was no way for me to know how i eroded his confidence and self-esteem, as he did mine. we did a real number on each other.

we lost each others trust completely.

when i woke up and started to realize how my actions had affected him and brought us to this sitch,my biggest 180 was to stop all the anger, all the judgement all the right and wrong. i can't say i am 100% successful at that yet (human weakness), but i have done it to the best of my ability.

i went dim from september to april - set all kinds of boundaries - following suggestions here on this board - and all i saw was h withdrawing further and further.

i could see it was not working. when i started dropping the boundaries (which incidentally reminded him non-stop that he was doing something wrong) and allowing him to come closer - stopped being mysterious, started picking up the phone right when he called etc - all those little things - the change was dramatic. within a week he was getting more friendly, opening up to me, and spending time here.

i don't know if you have kept up with all the posts i have written - but here are some of the things he has said in the last 3 weeks, things incidentally that i never expected to hear from him ever: "i was really happy during our marriage, I see the possibility of us being together", owning some huge things that really were hard for me, telling his favorite stories about me to friends at s's b'day party, telling me that i am an amazing confident woman whose got her sh!t together

so tell me starsky - should i stop doing what works here? i don't see this trip as an indication that things are getting worse. i just see it as part of the path he is on. i have detached a lot - but even you have to admit that no matter how much detachment, we still have emotional reactions.

i find it really interesting that when i posted a couple of days ago about feeling vulnerable about the dates coming up this week, there was no response, but when i got a bit flippant and said i might pat him on the rump in jest - i practically got bombarded

so where was the real support here, i might ask?

i know that your concern is that i am treating myself in a correct and healthy way for myself, and respecting myself during this time. and i so appreciate that you are so active in helping us all find that for ourselves - you do this board and the people like me on it a great service

i know that i still have a lot to learn, and really really want to. i have a long way to go still in learning how to be in a relationship with anyone, let alone h. sometimes i get confused about what is the right thing to do - not just for the sitch but for myself, and i come here to ask.

confused, because the advice i got from the db coach conflicts heavily from a lot of it on the board. confused because after 5 yrs of not "being here'" and having no real emotional connections, i still struggle at having so many emotions to deal with

here's a maxim i have lived by for the last year:
h stood by me while i was in crisis for 5 years, if not possibly 10 yrs. I want to stand by him through his. only he and I really know the sh!t he had to bear and the sh!t i had to bear. I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt right now. i hurt badly because of what he is doing during his crisis, but i don't get to choose how he has his crisis, just like he didn't get to choose how i had mine.

but i do get to choose how i am during his. he didn't handle my crisis well at all, in fact really really badly, and i do believe it propelled him into his. i choose not to continue that cycle, and i believe that i have broken it.i am absolutely sure that during this year he has come to recognize that.


so this is where i am at. if you see anything in what i have written that causes concern that i am not doing right by myself- i would really like to hear about it

i appreciate all the feedback i get

thanks

zig