Yo..Kaffe...my thoughts exactly on OW!For quite some time now. From what I hear she almost seems a bit jealous when he's with his girls! Infact according to D12 she kinda made a little "dig" on her when D12 was teasing her Dad in the toy section at Walmart! Of course that makes mamma bear's hair stand up on end, but there's no reason to. D12 can handle herself, and I actually still have enough faith in XH that he will NOT tolerate that treatment of his girls by any OW.
WOW I've been reading M Go Blue for the past hour!
Thank you Cadet for bringing those forward again! It helps so much to hear it from an MLCer that makes it through the tunnel. It really does.
It helps me see I really am not crazy.
It really validates that all the severe losses we've had set this off in XH. We lost 4 very significant people in our lives, his job of 15 years which meant he lost his dream, and damn near his life. NO WONDER.
And reading this gives me the comfort to really accept that it's ok to move on and go our separate ways...even if he's going completely backwards.
It also helps me see there still just may be hope for XH.
Can you recommend a link or enlighten me again on why they're the opposite of what they were and why they are "pod people" now?
Biologically I believe they are the opposite because at midlife the hormones for men and women become the opposite of what they were during the years past puberty.
Another words in men testosterone decreases and estrogen increases. In women estrogen decreases and testosterone increases. This coupled with the depression and childhood issues throws them into crisis and being the opposite of who they were.
I've read those posts by HB a few times. However this time Im understanding, grasping, and really seeing the truth in all of this.
I was just to emotionally traumatized to really grasp it before.Because I've healed and continute to move forward, it seems as I go back and read about MLC everything seems to have some new light and perspective on it. Things are clicking...and it's so nice.
XH is opposite of what he used to be in good ways but in some really nasty ways too. The good ways, he's an involved father now. He does things with the girls that he's never done before or taken the initiative in. This is good. Though we still argue I do see him trying to communicate better with me and putting more thought into his words. But the opposite in a negative way is this insane spewing, anger, and bold face lies! But this is par for the course.
I'm noticing changes in myself where Im opposite of where I was in the marriage. I haven't changed much, but I've changed in the ways that I think I really needed to, in order to start living the fullfilling life I've been praying for.
Im so glad to say that Im really understanding that happiness comes from within and how you perceive the world. As much as I would like to have the joy of sharing my life with someone that loves me, for me, I realize I don't have to be with someone to be happy. Im learning to create my own joy with each passing day.
When I started to learn about co dependency and see how my it's really affected my life and relationships, things started changing for me.
I think the biggest change Im really undergoing is learning that I don't have to fix everything! I don't have to be responsible for everyone's emotions.So many things don't have to be my problem anymore! This is such a relief to me! This doesn't change me into an uncaring person, but perhaps maybe even a more caring person, because Im really understanding that letting go and letting people lead their own way is the best teacher of all. A person really has to care about others when they let them go to learn for themselves, instead of suffocating them.
Another opposite of me is standing up to XH when all I did was stand down. I had poor boundaries, and allowed him and many other people to overstep them. The last few arguments I've had with XH never would've happened if he were still here, because I would've bought his gaslighting hook, line and sinker and not even say a word and just let him have his way... to try and please him in hopes of him just tossing me some crumbs.
Im learning self respect and loving myself in a healthy way. I now see I lost all self respect I had for myself through the years.
Kimmerz, I believe Cadet has provided the answer to why they are the exact opposite of themselves. You have to remember that as we grow up, our bodies change and then one day as we begin our "decline" into middle age, our bodies change again. It use to be that women were the target of "they are going through the change of life". Well, that's not the case because men do go through changes as well. The reason we know more about this now is because of modern technology and the fact that people are talking more today about life changes. Heck, the TV ads don't leave much to the imagination any longer.
Now that you've got a better understanding of what is going on, you can go back and begin to re-read some of HB's postings, as well as M G Blue's postings and the light bulb will click on. During the early stages, you were far too close to the situation to understand the advice that we provided. As you walk the path, your eyes will begin to open further to what we have shared and you will become wiser and more understanding of the ways of the mlcer.
You have learned what it is to have self respect and now, you must not allow anyone to trod on that. Kimmerz, you've come a long way...
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
All I can and want to add Kim, is it has been really difficult for me to deal with what I have very much learned is 14 year old behaviour from my W. That rebellious nature is so hard to deal with especially in it's passive/aggressive mannerisms. To have it show up in a mid life individual is just so... bizarre... and shocking... and ultimately frustrating as hell.
The late teen/early adult behaviours (party animal and "finding true love" stuff) is also tough. For me though, this is easier to "understand", if you will.
And as much as it is helpful to understand why... it still cannot resolve the frustrations that we feel over the behaviours.
To add to that... While it is frustrating, it truly is a gift. A chance to make changes for ourselves that we otherwise may not have made. If we look for the positives, we find they have been there all along.
Kimmerz, I do believe you are seeing things much more clearly now and I am extremely happy to see that
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Im so glad to say that Im really understanding that happiness comes from within and how you perceive the world. As much as I would like to have the joy of sharing my life with someone that loves me, for me, I realize I don't have to be with someone to be happy. Im learning to create my own joy with each passing day.
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Quote:
I think the biggest change Im really undergoing is learning that I don't have to fix everything! I don't have to be responsible for everyone's emotions.So many things don't have to be my problem anymore! This is such a relief to me! This doesn't change me into an uncaring person, but perhaps maybe even a more caring person, because Im really understanding that letting go and letting people lead their own way is the best teacher of all. A person really has to care about others when they let them go to learn for themselves, instead of suffocating them.
Are gold Kimmerz! Nicely sums up the bigger lessons I am learning as well.
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Thanks for your replies and encouragement! You know what's kinda funny? You spend all this time feeling like you're in the emotional swamps from hell. Everything is bleak, and there's just this sense of either being numb or extreme depression. You literally think you will never come out of it. But eventually you do. I tell ya, I am so relieved to finally start to feel like me again!
Yes Kaffe... I must admit that when you're in your're an adult and your spouse suddenly turns into a rebellious and obstinate teenager, with one nasty attitude, it's quite disturbing! Honestly, when he and I were teenagers, I don't think we ever acted like that or treated our parents that way. And if we did...we'd be hauled off to the nearest juvenille hall!
I find it very interesting that the MLCer and LBS seem to experience many of the same things, but experience it going completely opposite directions. So many say they'd rather be the LBS any day over the MLCer. Honestly I've thought to myself at times I wish I could be the MLCer given it appears they're on this magic carpet ride of fun times, thrills, pills, and chills, well gee what a wonderful break from reality! Why can't I go along?
But then I got to thinking of how their perceptions of people, life, and situations tend to be so superficial and shallow that the idea of really living my life like that is not appealing! It's not authentic in the least. It doesn't sound like a fullfilling lifestyle for me. And I guess eventually it won't be a fullfilling life for the MLCer either. That makes me feel really sad for them. It makes me feel sad for XH. Look at what he's doing to himself?
Then what really hits me is if an when they really start to have an awakening and get out of that tunnel and start to realize what the heck they did. This is where I am relieved to be the LBS...for I literally couldn't live with myself if I woke up to see all the damage I had done, betrayal of feelings, and just plain old insanity on my own part. I think I would probably kill myself or kill myself trying to make it up to people.
I know we all need that space, time to ourselves, and No Contact to really heal, and after healing, growing into our new skins, better than we were before, or than we've ever been. I know in order to help me pull my self esteem out of the gutter, I needed my anger and resentment to at least get me up and moving forward. But I don't want to hold on to that forever, because anger does eat you up alive and steals your life from you.
So Im going to raise the bar on myself, and accept this still will take some time. I do know that if I were the MLCer, and i finally came out of this tunnel and looked back and saw what I had done to my loved ones, the remore, the regret, the guilt, the mortification I would have would just be so overwhelming. In order for me to want to keep living, I would need someone to forgive me. Someome to tell me they understood. Someone to still believe in me.
My goal is to truly work on forgivenss towards XH and give it to him graciously if he ever requests it from me.
I know him. I haven't seen the last of him. I think he just may make it out of that tunnel. There was a time that he was not a complete self absorbed narcissist teenager from hell. I know that because if he was, I wouldn't have married him! This new personality just started to show it's ugly face starting 7 years ago, after 14 years of marriage. No telling when he'll come out. Im letting go of the outcome, but have a feeling it will be a real doozey for him if he comes out of it.
Im very appreciative I have the gift of time now and have rediscovered the things that bring me joy in life that I had forgotten about. Believe it or not.... Im finally where I've wanted to be for a very long time. In a place where I felt free to discover myself and dive into all my interests!
It's not authentic in the least. It doesn't sound like a fullfilling lifestyle for me. And I guess eventually it won't be a fullfilling life for the MLCer either. That makes me feel really sad for them. It makes me feel sad for XH. Look at what he's doing to himself?