The trust is gone on bothe sides. I still want to trust her but realize I probably can't. I am digging in deep and trying to see who I am. I have this whole time. It comes and goes. What I did was wrong and I am trying to learn from my mistakes. good insights. And our growth is not linear so it will come and go, and go in spurts. But try hard to hold onto the progress you do make so you don't lose the progress or backslide too far.
I admit that I haven't completely made up for what I did but I am still learning and trying. I don't want to kick you when you're down. But other than an apology, or three, what have you DONE that would make up for it? Not words...
IN her eyes, she had years of being controlled and feeling scared by your temper & critical nature, only to then have you go "public" with the pictures of such an intimately shared experience, (which is a deeper trust violation that perhaps you realize even now)
well...how did you think you were making up for that?
I'm sincerely asking Lost. Is it that you were being kinder? Gentler? When you feel you began to show her changes? Wasn't it just a few weeks ago
or had she not noticed yet?
Right now I am at a point where I need to focus on our D and still try to work on myself. I also need to protect myself. Now it is just a situation where we have to do what is best for our D. True. And big arguments don't help anyone, least of all you.
And not having me around isn't the answer. I know I cannot control anything but my actions. Maybe one day things will be different, but right now things are the way they are.
So what are you DOING to become the man you want to become? Do you like your IC?
I will suggest one thing for sure. Avoid the negative people in your life. If there are any people out there suggesting you take action to harm her legally (or otherwise for that matter) or exact revenge
or avoid taking responsibliity for yourself, avoid them. (Not saying don't protect yourself legally, but am saying don't draw first blood or be unfair).
If there are some who think you have done unforgivable acts and don't deserve another chance, avoid them too.
Change IS possible. It happens every day or none of us would be here.
You can become a better man. When your wife learns to trust that the changes you are making are real, and not merely tactics to win her back
and not with you constantly checking to see if they're working "yet" b/c you are impatient or b/c you want to stop them the minute she returns
she'll fear that the marriage will revert to the old way and she does not want that.
And you know why...so, we say "do the math".
Consistent change + sufficient time= change she can believe in.
No woman shirks off the role her h plays in her child's life. If she sees/hears of the loving interactions you and D have, (without you pointing them out)
she'll be moved.
If she believes you really can be the man she fell in love with, that you are safe,
she'll second guess her choice to leave.
If she sees that you can love and accept her even though you are hurt, she can learn from you, what forgiveness looks like....
LET HER DO THAT...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
A lot of things I have said have been out of hurt & anger. I know no one has "won". It is not a competition. I have been placing a lot of blame on the whole sitch on W. I think because I only know what I feel. She has put up a wall. I know she has her reasons to do that. So all I see is her actions. And in turn all I can do is go by that. That is why I need to concentrate on myself. She told me she saw changes the first month. And without me asking. I kept at it. Our arguements have been more frequent because of my jealousy of OM. I try to ignore it but when the person you love is turning to someone else, it hurts. My W has said she wanted a divorce when this first happened. But she never filed, moved out or even got her own bank account. So I kept hope. We went on a family vacation and I thought things were turning around. But she said we should see less of each other. I said ok. Besides, I couldn't do anything about it. That is when she met OM. And that is when I started really hurting and my anger out. All of this is really hard. I am still not giving up. All of your words and advice are helping. Sometimes I feel I work to hard on all of this. So tired…
And by me coming here looking for help, going to an IC and reading whatever I can get my hands on show that I am trying to better myself? I am not expecting it to just happen.
And by me coming here looking for help, going to an IC and reading whatever I can get my hands on show that I am trying to better myself? I am not expecting it to just happen.
Lost2272,
The key is to do it for you. Do not do it for her or worry about what reaction you are getting out of her. Do it for you, and if she decides to come all the way home so be it.
My name says it all. Lost. And I am trying to find my way out and myself. I will make it out. But I will also fall back in a few times. I know I will need to forgive in order to get forgiveness. I am not going to be perfect, but I will be a better man.
Does anyone have any insight to why W has not had me served? Through all of this she has put off filing for over three months now. From day 1 she said she wanted to be divorced and throughout has said it was over. But she never filed, moved out or got her own bank acct. Now she filed but hasn't served me the papers. I have to admit it is giving me hope. Just like her not doing anything before. I'm completely confused. Maybe she is too.
W has been contacting both my brothers. She has started th process to drop the order of protection but it could be a few weeks. In the meantime she is worried about paying bills. I have always taken care of it. I cannot have any contact with her or go to the house so she is going to have to figure it out. I have shown her and she is pretty smart so I am confidant that she can do it. There is money in the bank and she has been paid. I am not sure what she expects me to do. My hands are really tied right now. I feel sad for her. She is reaching out for my help but I can't.
