I just want to be friends...Pt3

[unbidden]

YC, you sound like you're in such a good, healthy place. Bravo.

[scaredsilly]

I agree, YC. I think, in the beginning of our sitches, we want to R more than anything, and right away. As time goes on, and our WAS topples off the pedestal we put them on, we realize the changes we've made will probably not be compatible with our old r.

Time to figure things out.

[YankeeCandle]

Thanks unbidden Yeah, it takes some honesty, and time alone to feel clearly and admit things to myself. I also read the posts here and get so much inspiration from everyone here working through their own challenges. This forum is a true inspiration

I just loved Michele Wiener-Davis's email, "Love at first fight." Did everyone see it?

I forwarded it to everyone I know in a R - troubled or not.

It inspired me to look into a conflict management skill short course. I was considering doing a 'improve your memory' course as well to help my Degree course along. I don't have a bad memory, but let's just say I could use some extra skills in the memory department.

[YankeeCandle]

I am sooo sleepy at the moment. Still on Greek time, and got up extra early today to exercise and do various things.

I dropped some things off at H's place. He called just now to say thanks and to just chit chat. It was a bit more chit chat than I was expecting, and my tiredness was coming through - could barely keep a train of thought going for long. I told him so, and he understood.

Life is very interesting when one is this sleepy. It's like suddenly, you have only energy for the real stuff, and zero energy for all the extra stuff (oooh, he is calling me after so long...he hasn't done that in ages). There's no energy for second-guessing anyone or anything.

I'm ready to drop off, but if I do, I will get up even earlier tomorrow and can't afford that. I have work tomorrow from 4-11pm. Hopefully the dvd I just popped into the TV will be good enough to keep me awake for a little while longer

[zig]

YC - catching up.

glad to hear you sounding so grounded. great job

hope you get over your jet lag soon
zig

[breakdownbill]

Hey Yankee

just catching up on some threads

I think you are on the right track with your H at the moment and being emotionally available and supportive to him when he reaches out, should help loads with his resentment issues & hopefully bring you guys closer together.

Nice job YC

Bill

[YankeeCandle]

Thanks Bill and Zig!!

Ok, first things first. I have started taking cold showers recently and I can honestly say they are amazing! I admit, it's not something I actually look forward to, but I am so loving the after effects. I have so much more balance, energy, clarity, stability and my skin feels great. Also, I used to always be cold - hands and feet kind of thing. Now none of that. I actually feel warm most of the day. Truly wonderful effects it's having. I highly recommend. I've not had to take Rhodio Rosea at all as a further result.

Ok, onto other news...

H texted me at 6AM - get this - to ask me out on a date! He asked if I'd like to go to a cooking course. I loved the idea and said yes.

Still, I'm liking my independence and my own space - and feel I have much developing on a personal level I want to do.

I have to say this Bill - because I meant to say it and didn't get around to it. During our 2-day-summit-talks in Greece, your advice kept ringing in my ears of, "Don't worry about the R talk. Whatever happens, his actions are already saying what he wants IMO." So, thank you for your wise words.

Now, hopefully, I can return the favor:

You know Bill, one of the things that kept me sane and motivated during this difficult time is to not let the OW win this. I know, sounds childish and everything, BUT - I wanted our R to stand or fall on its own merits and not because some other person was involved. Now, I haven't had outright proof that there was an OW just yet, but all the signs were pointing at there being something. Similar to your W, it isn't clear cut but there is something that you are sniffing. Listen to your gut. For me, I even had a dream on the first night we were back together in Greece of the OW, that nothing had physically happened (some EA of sorts), and that it was what had interrupted things. I had mentioned my dream to H, and of course he didn't say anything one way or another, but I could see the look on his face, and the near perceptible gulp. I didn't flip out, but I let it be known that I was aware.

Also, I had an attitude of 'What do I have to lose?' The DB techniques are excellent for a quick pull back and bringing things back onto safe, workable ground, but I think there are other books that cover the next stage. I haven't discovered them, so I just had to use my own gut instinct thereafter. Gut instinct told me I would be fine either way, that I have nothing to lose, I can hold my own, and my strength is my biggest asset. In short, I remembered who I was before my M.

I strongly recommend you do the same. Whatever/whoever you were before your M, be that person again. It's really who you are that will get you what you want, and allow you to want what you get.

Sure, I've put on a few pounds since my H and I first met (not many mind you!!), but enough for me to be uncomfortable with myself over the years - about 15 pounds give or take. Its the same 15 pounds I've been battling with for a number of years now. Sometimes they come, sometimes they go. In Greece though, none of that mattered suddenly. I felt free of my own insecurities. I was so completely comfortable in my skin, and in my bikini. And you know, I even appreciated my cellulite - loving being a woman in every sense and all that that entails. Bottom line, the most attractive trait in anyone - man or woman - is being who they are and being totally loving and accepting of one's self. That is what I discovered.

So, where do you get your confidence? I'm telling you, be yourself and let the chips fall where they might - that's confidence. In fact, you might be surprised.

So, if you want to stand your ground and move out because that is what you would have done before your M, that's exactly what you do.

These ditches have a way of knocking our confidence right down to the ground, and it's an opportunity to rebuild it from the ground up and putting in place exactly what you want and how you want it.

I hope that helps in some way.

[breakdownbill]

Well what do you know - your H is asking you to do stuff with him again

Wow things are really looking up for you guys.

The cold showers? I might wait for the shower to break to try that one ;-)

I completely agree with you about finding yourself again. It really is the only way to be happy. Nobody's perfect and making improvements to how we communicate, behave and look is more about being at your best rather than getting a personality transplant.

If you feel good, then you are good.

I see where you are coming from

So, if you want to stand your ground and move out because that is what you would have done before your M, that's exactly what you do

I'm still undecided on this one, I think it would be best for me as an individual to move out, but not the best for my children.

It's also pretty hard to make any kind of headway when there is another person in the picture.

I'm focusing on me and my kids and pretty soon i'll be having that R talk with my W, because things need to move in one direction or another.

When you don't trust your partner and they don't respect you - something has to change that, because without those 2 things, everything else between us doesn't mean a thing.

Back to you YC, I really think that know you have regained your confidence and desire for what you want out of life, things are falling into place on their own on a way.

Your goals that you posted the other day were really positive as well.

I'm really happy things are going well for you, keep us posted.

Bill

[breakdownbill]

Test post - can't see this thread - appologies

[YankeeCandle]

Bill,

Trust and respect - those are biggies. Don't count on them being present at the moment at all.

If you are unhappy, do you think your kids are picking it up?