14 Months Secret Separation: talking mediation

[adinva]

Thanks Cat04! I don't know where I'm going from here, or at least I don't know what you're getting at but I have a few things going on.

1) Keeping my bootcamp going. It is a) helping me learn goal setting and goal achieving, b) tackling some of the things that were wrong with both me and consequently my marriage, c) improving my mental/emotional state, and d) keeping my mind off my sitch so I can just BE in it. I'm planning to continue modifying my goals to suit my purposes and as my ability increases.

2) Continuing the DB things that are working for me. They include detaching myself from my H's emotions and actions. Getting a life (I have travel coming up, I created a guitar meetup and have our second meeting coming up, I'm making plans with friends and other plans with my kids, am looking at dancing with my sister in the fall). I lent my DB book to my sister so when I get it back I'll plan to reread it with a beginners mind and see what it says to me now.

3) Preparing to protect my and my children's interests as my H proceeds toward D. I have a meeting next week with a financial counselor who specializes in setting women up post-divorce by helping guide their decisions through divorce, and I have gathered all the documents and numbers she needs to get started working with me. I have a L in my back pocket who I plan to call when H schedules mediation or presents me with a draft separation agreement. I met with him last year and like him. I ordered both a book on things I'll need to know about getting divorced and the often recommended Codependent No More to brush up on my relationship skills.

4) Continuing to see my IC every two weeks. She's become more of a life counselor for me since I'm the only one who goes to her. I use her to help me learn to identify and cope with my emotions, parent my kids, get along with my H, succeed at work, heal scars from childhood, you name it. She's priceless.

5) Continuing to work at my half of my M. Understanding, listening, and being compassionate toward my H. We have a weekly "date" to talk about whatever we need to talk about, something we've never done before in 20 years. I'm still working on the things he reflected to me that I wanted to improve - procrastination, keeping to deadlines, keeping a neater home, being less reactive and overemotional, and more. While I feel working on this improves our home life considering we still live together, it's worth doing even if our marriage is dead. It's also stuff I know reduces some of the reasons he resented me so it could show him marriage to me will be different and better. And finally, even if he leaves forever it leaves me a better person and happier with myself.

So that's where I think I'm going. Is that the kind of thing you meant by your question though?