My wife consistently lied to me and to our family (our adult daughters and my MIL and FIL) about her affair. "He's just a friend" was her stance throughout, until I finally confronted her on that "deceit" part of it, as the lies were just insulting my intelligence.
Yes, you should act "as if" -- AS IF THIS MAY NOT BE WHAT YOU WANTED, BUT YOU REALIZE YOU WILL BE PERFECTLY FINE ON YOUR OWN IF THAT'S THE WAY IT GOES DOWN. BIG difference than acting as if you're okay with his cheating.
"Hey, I think what you're doing is disgusting, cowardly and -- frankly -- unattractive. But you're a grown man, and I don't wish to control you. You do what you want, but I'm not willing to live in an open marriage, and I realize now that while this isn't what I wanted, and it will be difficult, that I'm going to be just fine."
That should be the attitude that oozes from your every pore.
"Hey, I think what you're doing is disgusting, cowardly and -- frankly -- unattractive. But you're a grown man, and I don't wish to control you. You do what you want, but I'm not willing to live in an open marriage, and I realize now that while this isn't what I wanted, and it will be difficult, that I'm going to be just fine."
That should be the attitude that oozes from your every pore.
dropping the rope, to me , means dropping ALL resistance to every part of what's going on - and that's acceptance too - how do you do that while your'e still making conditions about whether or not they are with the OP?
Zig,
Like many of us, you're misunderstanding the difference between ULTIMATUMS (which are controlling, and usually backfire) and BOUNDARIES (which are healthy, and necessary). I used to try to explain it, but I recently came across a post by a friend of mine that explained it SO well, and so succinctly, that I've just been copying and pasting what she wrote:
Think about boundaries like this:
Boundaries are not about controlling the other person, because boundaries are about drawing "circles" around *you* and determining what you will and won't allow inside that circle.
Your WxH can do whatever he wants OUTSIDE that circle. You are not telling him what to do.
But you will only let into that circle people who treat you with respect.
He's free to go on treating you with disrespect, but you won't know about it because he'll be outside your circle. He's free to go on and draw his own boundaries of no expectations and no responsibilities, outside your circle.
He can do WHATEVER he wants. He's a free person, free to make WHATEVER choices he wants.
BUT SO ARE YOU, and you are free to choose who to allow within your circle.
That's all. Not about trying to control him at all. Tell him he's totally free. He has the WHOLE WORLD, outside your circle, to go and do whatever he wants.
If he's saying you have to let him into your circle no matter what, then THAT is about HIM controlling YOU.
First Dakota stop dropping bombs on other people's threads..I need all the juicy goss over in your thread so we can chat about it. seriously I'm so happy for you!!!!
Zig I get that you're flippant, that's good! I think you're like me sometimes it's so overwhelming you have to make jokes about it. It's cool.
I think through all these twists and turns and ups and downs we just find more parts of us that need to detach. That need to become okay with the now and it makes us stronger. It's easier to self medicate, to act irrational, to spread our hurt instead of heal but none of us are doing that. Certainly not you Zig, you are so committed to growing and giving!!!
you'll get through this and a month or so from now you'll be like I can't believe I was so upset about all that....
just a quick stop in to say i'm keeping up -with all your responses - but don't have time to answer at length as i'm working w/ intern right now and then have to go pick up s right after (taking a quick ciggies break here)
brit and unbidden =thanks.
you said the BEST thing brit - a month from now it will be a haze in the past - why not make it that right now
and unbidden - THANK YOU for reminding me of the badger - hmmm - wonder if badgers and turtles get along?
as for h - he was going to stop by but i let him 'off the hook" bu pointing out that since he was staying with hi parents we would stop by and pick up the stuff on the weekend. he seemed very relieved and in retro - i'm glad.
he talked about the taxes and that i should call someone to find out rates. then he called and left a message - which i thought you could all enjoy.
"spoke to my dad and got the name of a good acctant - here it is. when you call ask him his rates and don't forget to tell him that you and i are friends and that you know my dad"
i'm supposed to say this to the guy who is about to file our taxes jointly because we are married???
i just about died laughing. am not calling h back! but will call the guy!!
HIS chaos in HIS castle!!!!
i am sooo happy at the thought that i am going to stay on the picnic blanket and just enjoy the cake
starsky, sd - i will respond later tonight
thanks all zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
