dropping the rope, to me , means dropping ALL resistance to every part of what's going on - and that's acceptance too - how do you do that while your'e still making conditions about whether or not they are with the OP?
Zig,
Like many of us, you're misunderstanding the difference between ULTIMATUMS (which are controlling, and usually backfire) and BOUNDARIES (which are healthy, and necessary). I used to try to explain it, but I recently came across a post by a friend of mine that explained it SO well, and so succinctly, that I've just been copying and pasting what she wrote:
Think about boundaries like this:
Boundaries are not about controlling the other person, because boundaries are about drawing "circles" around *you* and determining what you will and won't allow inside that circle.
Your WxH can do whatever he wants OUTSIDE that circle. You are not telling him what to do.
But you will only let into that circle people who treat you with respect.
He's free to go on treating you with disrespect, but you won't know about it because he'll be outside your circle. He's free to go on and draw his own boundaries of no expectations and no responsibilities, outside your circle.
He can do WHATEVER he wants. He's a free person, free to make WHATEVER choices he wants.
BUT SO ARE YOU, and you are free to choose who to allow within your circle.
That's all. Not about trying to control him at all. Tell him he's totally free. He has the WHOLE WORLD, outside your circle, to go and do whatever he wants.
If he's saying you have to let him into your circle no matter what, then THAT is about HIM controlling YOU.
