No Expectations No Plans Being Okay No Matter What

[Brit45]

I'm not DB'ing that great. Since the slightly cringy text we haven't had much contact.

This morning I saw him when he picked up S. I walked over to his car and looking back he showed me in a little boy sort of way that he'd bought an electronic ciggerette to help him quit. Looking back he was sort of puppy look what I got!!! I only smoke like 3 a day now!!! It really works!!!

I had said so is that your last one? because he was smoking a regular ciggerette and he said well one of my last and I laughed then he said I only smoke like 3 a day. I feel like I should have been more supportive.

He offered me a ride but I was in a tiny skirt and didn't feel like squeezing into his spors car. He said it's good weather I guess you don't need a ride and I looked down at my legs and said dunno if I can really get in! and laughed.

This afternoon S called me and told me about something that had happened that he'd called H about. H had to leave work to sort it out. My heart sunk I just felt back that twice in a day he had to do something for us. I immediately texted H and said I'm really sorry about this. I didn't know it would work out this way etc. I owe you. Sorry. He replied and said Dont' worry about it. The guy was an idiot. Take solace in the fact that I roared up in my car and made him feel 2 feet tall. (this guy causing the hassle not S)

Now this is normally the sort of thing I would have hated. His arrogance and that stupid car!! But I know better from How to Improve and DB coach etc. And I also know it's not my place to teach people how to act. So I just replied Thank you!!!! and made a joke about how that poor guy must have felt. I see now that in the past when H did thinks like this and I told him it wasn't the right way....I was being counter productive on the one hand I wanted him to stand up for himself and stand up for me, on the other hand when he did I got upset because I thought he was being arrogant and rude. I can't have it both ways.

Anyway no reply. I think that's typical...we got slightly closer and now he's backing off and I'm regaining footing. ARGH. I tell you what I started the day really upbeat and it's been chipping away at me. I feel a bit all over the place and need to regroup just my feelings, my thoughts, etc.

A very dear girl friend of mine comes tomorrow to stay for the weekend. It's well overdue!

[zig]

hey brit - don't read too much into the slight withdrawing

as ces says - it's not linear - and it will back and forth. the key here is to be consistent on your part, so that eventually he can feel safe. he'll keep dipping in and then getting out and if there's the same consistency form you, over time he may learn to trust that it's going to be safe

at least that's my take on it

don't let it chip away today - just focus on how he took care of things - and appreciate him for what he did and leave it at that.

glad your friend is visiting you - hope you have a wonderful time together

((((( ))))
zig

[needgrace]

I'm not DB'ing that great. Since the slightly cringy text we haven't had much contact.

Hi Brit,

I think that you are being hard on yourself and your sitch, my dear friend.

First, YOU: every day you seem to have new insights and self awareness...and you show an amazing ability to take the insights and implement them pronto. you are XENA!

And I think it is to be expected that each time you have more contact or have less contact, it will bring up feelings. If it didn't, you would not be here, you would no longer care, you would have moved on totally and completely.. I think you are doing what is key, having the feelings, good and bad, not reacting to them in the crazy way we (well I ) did at first, acknowledging them like you did here and moving through them... to me, that is healthy...not having them is not...

Knowing you...you probably already have and this message is not even needed by now. . But if you have not, sit with them, open to them and learn from them, that is what YOU do best.

And second, as for your sitch, look at your progress over the past weeks... and remember what cadet says, that time is your friend. H seemed to bounce into an R and you don't want him just to bounce back bc you did X...

you want him to make a solid decision...and that takes time.

((( )))

[Brit45]

Thank you Grace and Zig. I think I'm tired and grumpy. I've had a long week and a bit of stress. I think I'm okay now.....

[jks]

And second, as for your sitch, look at your progress over the past weeks... and remember what cadet says, that time is your friend. H seemed to bounce into an R and you don't want him just to bounce back bc you did X...

you want him to make a solid decision...and that takes time.

((( )))

Love this... we do want solid decisions... yes... and it does take time. I look back on how every week I was thinking... has he changed his mind yet? Is he coming home yet? I cannot believe how I thought it was just going to be that easy. I am happy for the opportunity of growth and sounds like, Brit, you have grown amazingly. And to have an off day here and there is nothin... take it and leave it.

[greenblue90]

Hey Brit
Haven't posted to you in a while I apologize for that. I can tell that the sports car is especial to him. It's probably a big part of his post divorce identity. Every guy has to have a trademark item right? To him it's his car. I'm sure it feels silly or materialistic to you, but to him it's clearly a status symbol to signal to other men his and women his worth.

What's your best physical feature? Legs, eyes, waist? What if your H got upset at you for being proud of it? What if another man rightly complimented you for it? Would he get points with you while your critical H lost them?

Now consider this, whether they are interested sexually in your husband or not, a nice car will turn heads. Your H knows this, his comments prove it. So why not give him that attention he craves? You know so he doesn't get it somewhere else....

I think you did the right thing. Your husband stood up for you. In caveman days that means that he potentially risked getting a club to the head for you. A very alpha move indeed. A woman's appreciation IMHO is like crack to a man we crave it. On the other hand a woman who does not appreciate it when we stick up for them, well that's like repellent (again IMHO).

Just some thoughts based on your last post, I'll try to catch up so I don't speak out of context.

[Brit45]

That's for swinging by GB I think you always have great insight.

I agree with everything you said its something I've learned and recognised in my behaviour during our relationship. That's why I was happy with my 180.

My friend this weekend after me telling her "a bit" about the developments said she really didn't think we could ever get past some of our bigger issues (the lack of sex being huge of course) anyway she said maybe you should just enjoy the fact that you guys have a good relationship right now and enjoy that.

I think she's right about the second part. I need to just happy with what's currently happening and not close myself off to anything else the universe might be offering to me. I don't know what will happen but I think last week I was unconsciously closing a few windows thinking that H's window had gotten bigger....and was more of an option.

What if I'm concentrating so much on H that I'm missing out on something else? I don't know....beginners mind....I need to open myself up for love whether it's H or not.

[AprilT]

Brit I have to ask you...how do you handle knowing your H is living with his GF? I am almost divorced and it is killing me knowing that my ex is living with his GF, and has been since before papers were even discussed.....


Just wondering how you do it.

[greenblue90]

Not saying you should do it as game playing but.....

There have been instances where the LBS starting to date wakes the WAS up. Now I think you should have better reasons than that to date again, but I've seen it a few times here. Of course with a guy ease your H into the idea. He may blow his top if you told him a guy friend spent the night. Yet saying you are going out to drinks with a guy friend may start blasting an alarm in him. Not to mention how it may help YOU out.

Just for the record this is not typical DB advice, I think this sitch has evolved past what I'd call the DB basics.

[Brit45]

April, if you read my first thread...I was the WAS and he didn't start dating her until after I'd been dating and then I had a change of heart. It hurt like hell when he said he was moving in with her because I thought how could he move on so quickly but I also felt like I brought it on myself. But I decided I had to be okay with what's happening right now so I won't be walking around with hurt and anger. His choices don't reflect on what we had and I'm not responsible for his choices. Just mine.

GB I did have two dates with a guy about a month ago and I told H about it. I think it was counterproductive because I sorta played it off like it wasn't that big of a deal (and it wasn't) but thinking back the day after I told him was when he showed up unannounced and was all flirty that morning.

I really miss male company and attention and s&x let's be honest. I know that was a problem with me in the past that I used it for self esteem issues. I now find myself building up walls and almost going the other direction. I met a really nice guy with potential last week but when he made a slightly sexual flirty remark I think I over reacted and scared him off completely. GB I'd love to hear your thoughts on that!