more turtles by my side...

[zig]

ah brit - i was just joking and being flippant.

and when i said a party for BD day - that's later in august - and i was really talking about celebrating the start of my "waking up"

i guess i was using flippancy to hide my hurt. yes, i'm hurting - trip to see her, wedding anniversary and 1st year anniversary of starting their affair all in the same week that he's with her - it's just hurting my heart a bit.

"You don't know if he's even stopping by and you're thinking of what you should do in order to affect an outcome. "

actually - i wasn't thinking of the outcome really - i was just trying to "prepare" myself mentally, because i know if he does stop by it will be last minute, with no warning, and i didn't want to be unprepared.

but maybe you're right that on some level there was some of that involved. checking myself

thanks for the 2 x4

i'll work on staying still, but seriously brit - i was mostly goofing around.

on the whole, i am on one level hurting about those dates, and on the other level feeling quite indifferent (maybe it's self-protection?) about him going.

how one can feel both those things at the same time... it's confusing.

flippancy is not the answer - i told that to mac the other day - need to do the same for myself

"There is a thing as going too far the other way and actually supporting him emotionally in having another relationship."

yes - i see that . i'm mixed up about what stand to really take and to find the balance between "don't see that as having any importance whatsoever" as joann advised and what you write above.

this is so difficult to balance - just focus on being friends - well then if i'm being friends - wouldn't it be natural for me to be happy for him?

help me gain some clarity here - this is obviously an opportunity for me to possibly achieve that

thanks so much brit. better for me to admit that this [censored] than to try to hide it under an i don't care attitude...

zig