Question for you, on #3, how did you get your H to take part? Was he part of any IC sessions that brought this up or is he just following your example of staying calm and looking for solutions?
The reason I ask is both my W and I have avoided conflict a lot in our M. I grew up in an environment where no conflict was the goal and appeasement was used to calm things down (dad to mom). W grew up in an verbally abusive environment (some physical maybe) where it seems a "duck and run" approach worked. So now for W, its either avoide or blow up. Any thoughts on how to engage her in an actual conversation? Paging Dr. Ad.....
My H grew up with no conflict - he did everything he was supposed to (possibly out of fear) and his dad not being there appears to have taught him to walk away and shut people out. He learned to hide his emotions and protect himself.
I grew up oppositional and defiant in the face of authority and control. I thought I was comfortable in conflict but really was just reactive and fed a vicious cycle rather than resolving anything.
H went to counseling with me about 3 times or so, and just those times gave me enough insight to go on with meeting with IC alone, and we'd kick around and role play situations that had occurred between me and H so I could reframe them and learn how to respond more effectively. She prescribed reading that helped too.
My consistently changing how I approached and responded to H made a difference. I learned not to fear opening up a conversation of potential conflict. I learned a conflict doesn't have to be resolved in one conversation - I can hear his viewpoint and come back later with mine. A lot of our conflicts have turned out to be that we see things differently and each think the way we see it is obviously right. It's been a learning curve for me to get used to my worldview not being the only correct one. Because I was pretty sure it was.
With the family counseling sessions, I discussed some concerns with H about the kids interactions - bullying, overeating, possible self esteem issues - and with the impending D I felt it was important to get them in to get used to the idea of counseling and see if our family could learn to communicate more effectively. My IC told me she had done "family meeting" education with other clients and thought that's what we needed. H was on board with that idea because it was for the kids, although he had recently told me that MC with me was a very low priority for him. So H showed up and participated well in both the family sessions.
IC talked to us about being respectful (even Dad) and everyone letting each other be heard (even s12). She suggested that the family together can come up with innovative solutions and provide necessary feedback to each other. The family was supposed to come up with its own groundrules. It was a little touchy-feely for my testosterone laden family but they suffered through it and I have seen it making a bit of a difference in how we talk to each other. One thing that came out of the family session is that S14 has trouble taking me seriously because I laugh and kid even when I'm disciplining him, so we came up with ways I could let him know when I was really being serious. That was feedback I don't know if I'd have gotten without the IC session. It was cool.
CES I believe that just my learning better techniques made it possible for me and H to communicate better, without his thinking it was necessary and without his going to IC or seeking any help on his side. I learned to read his signals better and understand him better, and so communicating is safer for him. He hated when I yelled and got emotional, and I didn't know how not to. Now I can bring something up and let him know I'm not going to freak out.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
