It's been a slow journey with an H that one day seemingly inexplicably said he wanted to separate and has remained steadfast in that statement ever since. He's stayed in the home and we haven't said anything to the kids, but he blew off reading and blew off counseling and now that the required year has passed he is gathering papers and talking about getting a separation agreement drawn up.
I used to wonder at the posters here who talked about all the "hard work" they were doing and all the "big changes" they were making. I felt like an imposter because I just didn't feel like I was working hard or making changes. I was hurting and learning and trying and developing new perspective, but I just wasn't sure it was enough, and it really didn't seem as extreme as what I heard others here talking about.
Now I look back and I feel like a rock that's been eroded to sand by the ocean waves. I feel different, I act different, I think the changes are very subtle. I still look around and have a messy house sometimes, but I think about that differently than before and I have different tools to manage that predilection with my family's needs. I didn't become Mrs. Clean but I became someone who could get along with Mr. Clean.
My sitch seems to be progressing toward divorce, which I feel is sad but I don't feel is tragic anymore. I would love to be able to create a new and better R with my H, but I can't do it by myself. I'm not pushing him out the door, but I'm not pursuing him either. I'm just focusing on my new bootcamp goals of getting fit and clarifying my boundaries. I think my M's only chance right now is if H begins to notice that our life together has been consistently different and better for a long time now, and he begins to want that more than whatever it is he's been seeking. I have no control over what he notices or decides.
I would note to newcomers that the help you get comes from what you go after. Read other threads, even going back to the beginning of some of the vets to see how they changed over time, and learn from that. Post to others to provide support to them and reinforce what you're working on. Read DB/DR. Don't expect the vets to come to you and fix your problems. Everything you need is right here already.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
