Marriage = busted. Help me bust my divorce too!!

[mamabird]

Mr Bond,
Well, I'd say your assessment is pretty much correct. I was definitely seeking validation and worth from the second person. The first time was more complicated. Hit me like a ton of bricks and I had a very hard time moving away from that man. It didn't really have time to develop into a two-way emotional affair, more like a fantasy on my part. Not that it matters much now.

True that H has not really admitted fault. He sort of did, in one of those weird emails to my dad but has not to me nor in front of a counselor. And forget about an apology. We went to MC 2 times - to 2 different people (one great, one not so good), so that process has only just started.

Also now he is backing off MC, even though 2 days ago he agreed to go so we could heal. Says he'll go one more time because "his time is valuable" and "it's more for me to feel better anyway." He is so afraid to even crack the door a little bit. I am sure he is scared that he will have to admit fault or that once the process starts, he won't be strong enough to walk away from the M.

If we do continue, the therapist says we have to first concentrate on healing trust and then we can get to his behavior. She said he was so totally angry and hurt right now that he was not in a position to make any sort of decisions. I don't feel that this is too fair to me but it is what it is. I think my H is a real chicken honestly, and although I have this idealized image of putting our family back together, I'm not sure he has what it takes to do the work.

I usually ignore his jerky comments (and I would use a much stronger word if I could) but I know I need to stand up to him more because me not standing up to him was how I ended up in this mess in the first place. I just don't want to fuel the fire so to speak, but his behavior makes me nauseous and I'm glad I got to see this side of him. It certainly is not pretty and I have to wonder when he does this if I wouldn't be better off with someone more mature. My mother's 81 year old boyfriend said to me, "Why would you want to be with someone so weak?" and he had a pretty good point.

Also, in another really awful turn of events, we found out today were turned down for a HELOC, which was supposed to improve our financial position regarding this house (see above post). It appraised for less than what we bought it for. Plus, since I am not working right now, it does not make for snappy timing as far as a D is concerned. My only hope is that he realizes this and it buys us some time.

As I read this back, I'm wondering why I'm bothering. But I know he has good in him somewhere, and I know we want the same thing. It's just a matter of finding the path back and both of us wanting to stay on it...