Hrm, i often wonder if they do just that "move further away physically to block the closeness they feel in their head". Do they back themselves into a corner with their actions and the hurtful things they say, then just don't know how to fix the situation, because of shame or pride?
I know its a typical MLC thing when you see a positive sign then they withdraw. I think my H doesn't know what to do because I am so nice to him. When he choses to spew venom over me and I dont react, its almost like he gets angry that he is acting like a total jerk. Then he comes good again for a while. Is that possible? or just me looking for any positive signs that the original man is still in there somewhere?
GALbaby, They can't understand why we are nice to them when they've behaved so badly. They feel guilty when we do not react to their bad behavior, hence the spewing all over again. They are like two yr olds. They lash out and then settle down. They are very emotional during the crisis and depression is the main conductor on this train.
hrm, I had to chuckle about the food. He's bought a staff of stuff to "hoard" in his room, just in case he needs it. He's going deeper into the tunnel and just like kids, wants his stash close at hand.
Keep your sense of humor...it will get you through the day.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
From my own experience I found that my H tried to push my buttons to draw me into an argument (and I'm mind reading here) so that he could use it to add to his justifications as to why he left. I admit that before I found this site and learned about MLC, I fell right into it a couple times.
You keeping calm or being nice and not reacting takes some of the wind out of his sails on that count and can cause even more spewing, because basically you gave him nothing.
MLCer's have expectations too, that's why a 180 on the LBS's part is effective.
From my own experience I found that my H tried to push my buttons to draw me into an argument (and I'm mind reading here) so that he could use it to add to his justifications as to why he left.
I actually believe they don't consciously do it to prove they are justified. I suspect they do it unconsciously, as part of their pattern and we react as part of the pattern, and thus reveals their justification.
So yes, by the LBS no longer reacting, they have nothing to push against and in that state of cognitive dissonance, their fear shows up as anger and they spew.
Just as something interesting, I've been not reacting to my W's spew and negativity for the past six months or so. Well, at least not directly at her.
The most recent email she sent me was quite lengthy about a concern she has. I get they concern. I empathize with her. She closes by saying she's sorry if she came across b1tchy in the email... and I'm thinking... ??? I didn't get that, at all.
The point is, now she's apologizing when she feels she's "out of line" in her mind. I really don't read it in her email, but obviously, she recognized some sort of anger in writing it. Hey... for her, that's a positive...
I have no idea if my W is making her way "out"... From what I see though, given enough time and detachment, I think they stop seeing us as the enemy.
I have no idea if my W is making her way "out"... From what I see though, given enough time and detachment, I think they stop seeing us as the enemy.
^^^^^^ This has been my experience as well...I am again her confidant in a lot of things. I haven't seen the alien spew monster (at least directed at me) in a long time (knocks on simulated wood, hey, its all I have at the office...).
HRM, going back to your interaction with H where you told him that he could leave...give it time for him to process that, you took his stick away....When I told W that, it threw her completely off track, and it took a couple/few weeks for the aftermath to show...luckily it helped nudge her towards the mlc tunnel exit (so far), rather than the house exit...
I hope your H sees the tunnel exit, but give it time...and that word we hear SO MUCH of here...patience.
You're a great person, you can do this!
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
GALbaby~Listen to Snodderly, she's a very wise woman. It really is amazing some of the things they do or say that sound like a toddler or a teenager, and yes sometimes it's hard not to laugh when they act like it! I truly believe the good man is in there somewhere, and that's why I told H that when he asked me during our conversation why I would want to be with someone so selfish and who has hurt so many people. I can see through the body snatcher, the depression, the confusion, the fear, right into the good man who's being pushed so far down it's hard to tell if he will ever emerge.
snodderly~ Yeah, the food thing is so unbelievably crazy it's funny! Tunnels have a beginning, a middle and an end, sometimes I wonder just how deep this tunnel is...
seeking answers~I noticed that too, it does seem as if they are looking for a fight. During that conversation he said he thought I was trying to start a fight about the AC (hello, projection much?). I was just trying to save money, I'm evil like that. lol
Kaffe~I totally agree that they aren't consciously doing all of the button pushing and fight picking. I also believe there are a lot of times he really truly doesn't know what he's going to do from minute to minute. There are moments I can clearly see the confusion in him. Regarding the on the way out thing, I've come to the conclusion it will take as long as it takes and I will focus on the positives, no matter how big or small. I think your W recognizing anger in her e-mail was a good thing. Time will tell. I also think it's hard to keep seeing someone as the enemy when they won't fight with you and keep saying positive things. I mean really, is that someone you really want out of your life and you want to blame for all your unhappiness? Just my thought, who knows, I'm going to keep being me, I like me, and other people in Normalville seem to like it. LOL
T~Hello stranger! Thank you for your encouraging words. I hope H sees the tunnel exit soon too. I have always been a patient person, but sometimes MLC makes me feel like I met my match, but that won't stop me. H once told me I'm the most patient person he knows, I'm going to prove him right. Even on the most down of days for me my hope and faith endure...some might say I'm crazy, but that's ok, they don't define me.
Home Front Update~ In an effort to both give space and GAL I went to dinner and a movie with a friend after work. I didn't get home until about 12:30, again, usually don't stay out that late on a work night, but I have off work today (use it or lose it time) H doesn't know that. When I got home I was pleasantly surprised... H had turned on the AC and the fan in my room and shut both of the doors so it would be cooled down for me when I got home. I thought that was a very sweet thing to do! This morning I heard him getting up to go to the gym, it was just before 5:30. I got up and when I heard him leave the bathroom and head back to his room I came out of my room. I said, "Hey, I just wanted to thank you for turning on the AC in my room. That was very nice, I really appreciate it. Thank You." He said you are welcome twice. I went back into my room.
I'm guessing tonight he will probably stay out late since he seems to do that after I have either been out late or not home at all. Who knows, I'm just going to enjoy my day off! I already hit the gym so that's out of the way. LOL
HRM your thread made me cry because I can relate so much to it and it's NOT just me going through this. I had the exact conversation with H (well through text since he spent the whole phone conversation talking about how I was keeping him from his life and moving on). Our H's are close in age (33) but the only difference is that H already moved out to an apartment 2 months ago... but H is here every day from 6-12p, and here every weekend 'for' S(5) but on his own at nights (in an unfurnished, no bowls/plates/forks eating out of a bag sitting on the floor every night setting). Guess I should start my own thread in MLC
How are you so patient? I mean does it just come to you? I am more fiery, and I am desperately trying so hard to not be. I think I need to start to apply Snodderly's wisdom. - I didn't think about MLC's acting like 2 year olds. IT is true. My S never went through that period, but I secretly have considered my H's MLC to be training for when S is a teenager.
Me& h + S M: 13 t: 14
H moved 2/12. Own apt 05/12, EAs, PAs, gfriends, oh my! I'm done. 12/12
"I get knocked down, but I get up again.. you're never gonna keep me down" Chumbawumba
LIO~I have always been pretty patient, but this has me pretty well tested. Trust me I do have my moments of intense anger, hurt, frustration, etc, you know the sobbing, praying mess on the floor moments (never around H though). I can tell you God is the only thing getting me through this. I don't know what you believe or what other people for that matter believe, and I'm obviously not trying to offend anyone, but I firmly believe there is a God, He has a plan, and He will get me through this, no matter the outcome. There is too much evidence in my life to support this for me to think other wise. Have faith, and never give up hope.
I have been extremely blessed by the people in my life. I have a wonderful, growing network of positive friends and family members in my life, as well as a great pastor, a wonderful counselor, and all of the fantastic, supportive people on here. Yes definitely apply Snodderly's wisdom, she knows what she is talking about.
It is amazing to pull yourself back out of the pain and look at what they are saying and doing and see the toddler/teenager in them. Surely there has to be no better training for dealing with either age/stage then the MLC. LOL As everyone will tell you, take care of you, detach, and find the humor! After all laughter is the best medicine. If you have any other questions LIO never hesitate to ask, it's nice to be able to help other people through this journey, I'm lucky to have so many helping me. Also if you need to vent, this is one of the best places to do it. And never underestimate the power of the deep cleansing breath!
Tales of the Traveling Toothbrush (how's that for a name AJM?LOL)~Still firmly planted on the far side of the sink. Must be as far away as possible from my toothbrush.... something catastrophic could happen...
I have definitely had moments of anger, crying, upset, bartering... ugh. I am embarrassed to say. Even as late as last night (let my frustration out at his sudden 'secretiveness' and attitude he showed last night. Which I wouldn't have known about if I would have just kept dim).
Are you setting and enforcing boundaries? Does H do anything around the house, or pay some bills? or? Every time money comes up for us, I hear about the 'divorce'.....
Me& h + S M: 13 t: 14
H moved 2/12. Own apt 05/12, EAs, PAs, gfriends, oh my! I'm done. 12/12
"I get knocked down, but I get up again.. you're never gonna keep me down" Chumbawumba
I didn't get that, at all.
lol