You're right I am still working on both of those sets of feelings, I think for the first it's rejection after trying to do what I thought was right to make them happy. My self esteem issues are another ball of wax that I work on.
The reason I want to R is because I love her and my stepkids. I realize that my behavior (my infidelity when we were dating and verbal abuse during the marriage) I am sure are what led her to justify her decision making. This is how I can forgive her. I pushed her to the brink and into the arms of the OM. She had said she forgave me for my missteps during our dating but that obviously not the case. She mentioned this in chats with the OM and brought it up to me multiple times. The thing was I did change and never looked at another woman during our engagement or marriage. I still need to work on full forgiveness since holding on to ill feelings doesn't accomplish anything. One thing that makes that difficult is that I alone will be cleaning up the financial fallout from this for at least a couple of years if not more, depends on how much I will lose on the house when I sell it. I need to find some good forgiveness books and read them, the last book I read no more mr. nice guy really rang true with me and helped me out a lot.
I think I'm finally getting I can't control any of it, it doesn't matter what I do. I can just be the best man I can be for me, and see what happens.
Thanks again and have a good weekend, new start for me now and new thread to match next week! :-)
me 38 W 30 T 3 M in 05/2010 Separated 08/2011 Stephchildren (all hers) SS17, SS12, SD8 I filed 8/27, she countered I filed response 9/5 Anxiously waiting on the judge!
