FYI, a WAS who is gone does not say this "And I don't even know what you are thinking about us?"
They don't care what you're thinking about "us", they just want you to accept that they are gone.
Your W really WANTS to come back, but is SCARED that your financial situation will never improve. She is protecting herself by distancing, because she's tired of feeling unsafe.
Forget those questions you teed up above -- you know the answer:
When you are out of debt completely, able to live on a given budget, aren't victim to compensation that rises and falls every month, aren't in danger of losing your house, are able to put together a reasonable college savings plan, and are living within your means, you become "safe". You need to be the master of bills, budgets, savings, etc.
Get a financial advisor or accountant to help, and apply yourself to figuring out how to make this work. W just cracked the door open for you, don't kick it open the rest of the way and sweep her away -- give her a little bit, make her want more.
This is such an overwhelming stage of my life, it will be seared into my mind forever. Unfortunately it will also be seared into our kids minds!
Like most of your comments, the above post is spot on. Your help, guidance and clarity is greatly appreciated. Acc-I am forever thankful regardless of the outcome.
I spent years frustrated thinking it was only about money. In another one of your posts you clearly outlined the reasons behind the money/love connection which makes a lot of sense.
This whole experience is like some kind of drug treatment program. What do they say, “One day at a time”.
I sent W the email yesterday and then I called to talk to the kids this morning and W answered. She brought up the email and said it was a very nice note and that she would respond to it later today. I didn’t really say much in response.
I am not rude when we talk however a lot of the time I am short and to the point, just business. I sense she wants me to open up more, I can tell that she’s getting a bit frustrated by it.
I am usually not lost for words but this whole process has made me guarded. I know I can’t say whatever I want or I would mess things up, no doubt. I am always concerned I would say the wrong things.
Even though W is a bit frustrated by my short responses, I am ok with that. I feel highly confident things would be a lot worse if I was always asking her what she’s up to and letting her know every little detail about what’s going on in my life, which isn’t a ton, just working a lot.
You are right, it's fine for her to be uncomfortable with this scenario. You want reconciling to look more comfortable than this.
She took a step toward you by asking how you're feeling, and I don't think you drove her further away with your response. I'll be curious to see how she responds. It's great if you can suppress the male "fix it" impulse and instead make these dynamics a joint challenge to be discussed.
I'm sure she would love you to beg her to come back, but that would just make her feel more comfortable staying away. Keep doing what you're doing -- make her wonder, make her want to know more. Show her happiness and self-confidence. Bring back the man she married. Most importantly, address the financials!
You can turn this around, you're doing fine although you may not be able to see it. Keep pushing yourself to do what you need to do. This pain and angst is a rare opportunity to have the motivation to improve
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
I think we need to use these next several months to really, truly figure things out!!! I just don’t know what the future holds, but I know that I signed a 9 month lease and so this is probably a 9 month thing... at a minimum.
I think with regards to the house that I really need to understand and be a part of things more. My friend had a great idea - why don’t we meet with a realtor who specializes in short sales, and understands foreclosures and deeds in lieu. She is one of the very few who I tell a lot to because she has been through a lot of what we are going through. What do you think?
Let's plan some time to meet next week and talk more...
So Friday night around 5pm you pick up the kids or I'll drop them off? They will stay with you until Monday morning - I'll ask the sitter to be there at 730am. The kids will be very happy to have additional time with you!
My thoughts:
That hurt!!!!!! Can I go beat my head against the wall now??? BTW, I still plan on reading the CS book you mentioned. We’ve never talked about a timeline on our separation, I guess this is a starting point. But WTF did I expect!! My W to take one step forward and then all of a sudden jump up and down, give me a big hug, say I love you and want to be with me again….Yeah, I did start to get my hopes up a bit but I am also realistic when it comes to not having any expectations.
I would be lying if I said I wasn’t a bit discouraged. I just need to remember that I feel I am doing a good job at this and I will also always continue to be a great father. I need to continue working on myself and stick with DB’ing.
I have a feeling my next response will probably be one of the last notes that has any R talk involved, at least for a while. I think I need to validate her timeline, validate her request to discuss the house and validate the logistics with the kids over the weekend? Since this is another important response, could you help me with it?
Me(M):38 W:42 Together: 14 Married: 11 D: 4 S:8 W wanted separation 5/5/12 Stopped living together 5/5/12 Currently DB’ing
“Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude”. Thomas Jefferson
I plan on moving out of the house in the next couple days
I plan on moving into an inexpensive rented room
I plan on talking with a relative to take my dog for the time being.
I have an appointment with a financial advisor later today.
I plan to work my arse off, GAL, 180’s, hang out with friends and be a great dad
Since the house is in both our names, we need to decide what to do. We have 3 options, short sale (huge headache), deed in lieu or foreclosure. The short sale is actually my least preferred option but I will meet with W and realtor. I am sure the relator will give advice but it’s quite obvious they will push the benefits of short sale for their best interest.
I guess I don’t quite understand your comment about “Start stating what YOUR plans are going to be”
Are you suggesting I state my plans on this board or to the W, or both?
I used to do a lot of hang gliding and paragliding. I would love to get back into it (costs money)
I go to the gym and go to church, there’s not a ton of consistency but I do both.
There’s two big mountains near by that I would like to hike.
I would like to do more reading.
There’s a lot of vineyards where I live. I would like to start touring them.
I would like to get back into bike riding.
I never go to the movies. I would like to start going to movies more often.
I’ve gone camping every summer for years but not once this year. I want to go camping.
I would like to go fishing.
I’ve been thinking about volunteering but I never seem to commit to it.
Thank you for your input. Why are you asking MrBond? Is it the GAL thing?
Do you mind elaborating a little bit? I am trying to read between the lines. The way I learn is knowing the reasoning behind your suggestions. Are you suggesting I get back to her in a week because it’s important for me to be busy, unavailable, detach and GAL?
Yes it is the GAL thing and it's also to show that she doesn't rule your life. Start building yourself up again and enrich your life. Start dictating the terms of when YOU want to meet.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Great points. I will implement them. The detaching part, that’s a very difficult one!!!!! It’s interesting because I am good at “faking” the detachment. In other words I do well acting detached from W’s perspective. Internally, I am struggling with it. I think about her and our family lot. Getting a second job has helped me get my mind of things to a certain extent but I need help learning how to “fully” detach.
