so defeated and scared silly

[scaredsilly]

p.s., cv,
found this on the pema chodron site and it really spoke to me:

"...there's nothing wrong with negativity, but our problem is negative negativity. By which he means, there's nothing wrong with the essential arising of any emotion or life situation, for that matter. But where it gets problematic is what we make of that, how we make matters worse with how we work with our mind: resentment, bitterness, blame, and on and on.

Wishing to be free of that kind of really self-imposed loneliness, self-imposed suffering that we create with our minds. The fact that our house burns down is not self-imposed. The fact that we get an illness isn't self-imposed. What we do with that and how that escalates into such intense misery and feeling of separateness and feeling of aloneness and alienation. This, we do this with our minds. We do it to ourselves. We torture ourselves. "

i love it!