TIME for a change

[Denver_2010]

Wow Denver thank you so much! I greatly appreciate you taking the time to review my sitch and provide such great feedback in a constructive manner. I am still reviewing your sitch in it's entirety but I think you have swayed my thinking on the decision to file.

You are welcome. I owe this board more than I can ever repay. So I'm happy to come in and help when I can. Unfortunately, the board reminds me of some really hard times. So I don't come here often anymore.

I'm not trying to convince you to not file, or to file. I just don't want you to do something based upon a false belief that it will bring you closure. Nor do I want you to do something that you will regret. When I chose to make the decision to file, I honestly felt that I had exhausted all avenues to fix my M. I never wanted to look back and regret not trying something or not giving it enough time.

But no one can tell us when to be done. You will know when you are done.

I also feel that I should caution you much the same way that Jack 3 Beans cautioned me. You can read about some of the success stories here and take hope from them. But I've seen the M's of most of the people that I 'grew up' with here on this board NOT be saved. I believe that most of them were success stories in other ways. But they were not able to save their M's. The odds are against those of us who come here. So please don't EXPECT that anything that you take from my story or any post here is going to be a miracle cure. I do think that if you do certain things that you give yourself the best odds of success, but those are still low. I would be remiss if I didn't say that to you.

What I want, is another change for a loving R with my W. I realize that our marriage as it was is dead. If I could get another shot at it, I know we could do it right. I miss her and my stepkids tremendously. Reconciling has been my goal since the bomb including from the day I found out about the OM to present. In my heart I have forgiven her for all her missteps. When posting here I sometimes mention them to give context to my sitch, but in my heart I have sincerely forgiven her.

Forgiveness is very difficult. But essential. Not only for possible reconciliation, but also for yourself. You don't want to carry bitterness or resentment along with you for the rest of your life.

I believe that I have forgiven my W. But I do still have moments of anger towards some of her choices. However, I try to focus on me. What I did to contribute to the breakdown of our M. At the end of the day, the only person that I can, or ever could, control was me. It is not my job to punish my W or teach her any lessons. She has hopefully learned on her own from her mistakes.

And I do think that it is okay to post about what choices your W is making that give context to you sitch. Realize that it is easy to misinterpret what people are truly thinking in their posts. And I think that some people here like to jump on anything that they see as a mistaken thought or feeling.

Since our last physical contact, there were some arguments, and some pleasantries. The arguments were when she made it known she was still seeing her affair partner. Then a couple of months ago she reached out to me when her sister was seemingly on her death bed. Really having been speaking by phone primarily by text, last phone conversation we had was on our anniversary and she admitted she may be falling in love with OM.

Not going to lie to you. That is bad news.

First, you have absolutely zero chance at reconciliation until she resolves her feelings for OM. While my W always told me that she did not love OM and that I was 'home' to her, she did admit many times that she did have feelings for OM. Those were emotional connected feelings. And they are very difficult to overcome as the LBS. In fact, like I said, it is probably impossible. Your only hope here, IMO, is that your W realizes, as mine did, that he is not what she wants for her life. Or, there is always the possibility that he decides that she is not what he wants. The bottom line is that those emotional feelings have to be resolved before she will ever look to you like that again.

Second thing here is that you need to eliminate ALL negative interactions with your W no matter what. If you feel that you cannot do this, don't have contact with her, or end whatever contact that you are in the middle of. Every time that the two of you have a negative interaction it reminds her of why she left you (even if it has nothing to do with why she left you). It validates her present choice.

Affirmative she is still seeing the original OM I busted her with. First guy she corresponded with on Match.com literally. <mind reading> I think to some degree she was scared of her situation financially for her and the kids as she moved out, and latched onto him for security. In speaking with some of her family through this they have mentioned she has always been the "material girl" and are not so much surprised by the situation.

She was scared when she left you. Perfectly natural. My W was too and I know that's why she latched onto OM as well. My W finally admitted that OM was an 'escape' for her from everything that was going wrong between us.

If her choices are driven by financial security only, I have to ask, have you thought about why you want to be with your W? I realize that you love her. But you have admitted that you are a 'fixer'. Is there any concern that there was never anything more to your R with her than you being that 'white knight' and her 'latching on' to you for financial security? Please don't take offense to the question. I am not rendering a judgment or making an assumption. I'm just wondering if you have thought about it.

Your nice guy synopsis is spot on for me too and I though the same way. I always considered it "ours", but in the back of my mind I knew I was contributing 80% with no support from elsewhere for the stepkids. This caused me to harbor resentment and exacerbated my "male privalege" making me think I was entitled to come and go as I please and say whatever I felt without consequence. All of these thoughts and actions were very much wrong. I have always been a fixer too, first wife, other relationships, and especially this one. I fixed her bankruptcy but certainly had/have no chance of fixing her.

Bingo. Very similar to my situation. A strong M is one that is built on equal footing. That can't happen if one person is the 'fixer' and the other is the person trying to be fixed. IMO, it inevitably leads to a unbalanced R. That is very much what happened with me. I can tell you that during my S my W has grown very much in this department. I think mostly because she proved to herself that she could make it without me. The result is that she is much more assertive in what she wants and what she expects in our M. And that surprisingly has made it easier for me to understand her. At least so far.

Control has been issue for me and still is, I am still working on this. She is still driving a car that I bought at Christmas. When I confirmed OM for certain on Sunday I thought of issuing an "either buy the car or let me know when I can pick it up" type of notice, but have thought better of it. If I hadn't confirmed OM I wouldn't have considered this. I was considering it out of spite and hurt and an attempt to control her in a way.

Definitely you trying to control her. However, I will say that if you are still paying on this car, I would end it. It is one thing to pay for some essentials. I continued to pay for my W's health and car insurance during our S. Part of it was because it kept us connected in some way, part of it was because I simply didn't want to deal with changing that stuff, but part of it was also that I wanted to make sure that she would have those things. I knew that she was struggling financially, and I very rarely helped her with anything else financially. I figured it was a small thing to keep her under my insurance policies. BUT, paying for her to have a BMW seems to be a bit much IMO. If that is the case, I would politely tell her that she will have to take over the payments or sell the car. Give her 60 days notice so that she has plenty of time to make arrangements. Again, JMO.

My sobriety has helped me personally a lot, as per conversations I've had with her she still doesn't buy it, since I don't see her there is no way to prove this to her.

Prove it to her through your interactions with your step children. It sounds like you love and miss them. There is nothing wrong with you having a R with them during this time. If that's what they want as well. I maintained my R with my SS throughout my ordeal. I never used that as a tactic, but I will admit that it did allow me to have some connection to my W even when she and I were barely on speaking terms. It was through these interactions where she first noticed that I was changing. Use the opportunity to have brief encounters with your W if you can. And I mean brief like maybe picking your SS up from the house and saying hello to W as you are doing it. No R talk. No arguing. Just a big smile and a 'hello'.

You're right on the verbal abuse. I said some very mean things and some meaner things I'm sure that I don't remember saying in a drunken stupor. In one of her chats with the OM early on she mentioned "someone can only hurt her so many times then the wall goes up permanently". Unfortunately that's where I am with her and I doubt the wall will ever come down.

I was there too. I will also say that my W also said that there was no way that she would ever forgive me. And the walls were there even when we were trying to work towards reconciliation. Realize that this is what makes OM so appealing to her. He has not hurt her the way that you have. As a result, it is very easy for her to get angry with you and to blame you.

Our last negative conversation as I recall was in March when she mentioned the OM. Since then I have been showing nothing but unconditional love. I've been contributing to the 529k's I set up for my 3 stepkids. I sent flowers and was willing to do whatever to support her while her sister was in the hospital. Sent flowers and supported her when she said she'd had a hysterectomy. Offered to do things for her. Been giving her the space she wanted. Given she doesn't want to see me and we don't have kids together, there is really no catalyst for us to see each other. I would do other things but they would seem persuing so I don't do them.

Don't do anything. My advice to you is to just go live your life for now. Don't file for D, unless you are ready of course, don't pursue her, don't offer to do things for her, don't do anything but live your life and do your best to be happy. Maintain your R with your step children if that is possible and is what you want. And let things be for now. There is nothing that you can do to control the outcome of this. So stop trying. And I get it... I fought that concept tooth and nail for almost the entire time. Turns out though that that same advice that I was getting was right. Everytime that I would just leave her alone, no initiate contact, be brief when she contacted me... well, it was only a matter of time before she would start to wonder what I was doing.

As much as I love her Denver I feel that I am running out of gas. I have done everything within my power and tried harder to work this out than anything in my entire life, only to find out she is still with the original OM. It would be easier if she was with someone else honestly. I was babysitting my stepchildren the day that I busted her red handed. One day I have custody of her three children, the next day she filed a restraining order on me because she was fearful of me after I busted her affair. I said nothing mean to her all had nothing but forgiveness and wanted to work on things immediately. She said she wanted to kill me because the OM dumped her that night when I confronted him. The past year without question has been the hardest of my life.

I know. Me too man. Me too. I only found relief during the times that I would just let go. That is all that I can tell you. But again, letting go does not equate to filing for D.

I think you've convinced me to give it some more time. I know she is with OM so I am not going to deal with her at all unless she approaches me. I am going to hang out with my SS on Monday and am looking forward to that, but that has nothing to do with her. I will be LRT'ing and handle any comms from her in a short business manner as you suggested. Hell maybe she'll serve me on the 27th who knows.

Maybe she will. Be prepared for it as best you can be.

Try to make follow up plans with your SS when you are done hanging out with him on Monday. Remember that he is going through a tough time as well most likely.

And yes, a good boundary for you is to not be a part of her life as long as OM is. IMO.

Her birthday is 8/14. I should absolutely do nothing for this right? Of course my idea was to send her a card with notification of retrouville session in early September or a coupon for the "husband of her dreams" lol Cheesy and worthy of about 50 2x4's right?

Absolutely not. Yes, that will get you about 50 2x4's. I would do for her whatever it is that you would do for a close friend. Send her a friendly, non-romantic, birthday card and simply say 'wishing you the best on your bday. Broken74'

Please do not offer her retrovaille. It is pressure and it is pursuit. You have to stop all of that. Trust me.

I'm just going to chill and see what develops and reevaluate my feelings as time progresses. I've never made it more than 2 weeks with no contact so will be interesting to see what happens.

I used to get kicked in the head for my timelines here on the board. LOL... I still think that they helped me get through this by breaking up the long a$s time that I was being tortured. I believe in breaking up your DB into increments of time. Start with 2 weeks of no contact. Reevaluate and then set another increment of time. Repeat.

Thanks a million for your thoughtful feedback Denver. I am so happy and envious of your outcome. You have given me a new lease on life and hope for a sitch such as mine. You're .02 is worth more than it's weight in gold and I can't express how much I appreciate. Enjoy the spoils of your hard work for my friend, I am pulling for you in your quest for lifelong happiness with your W.

Thank you Broken. I appreciate your well wishes.

I will leave you with this for now. Do an internet search for 'the miracle of the chinese bamboo tree'. Tell me what you get from that.

Peace,
Denver

[25yearsmlc]

So got a random text from the W this morning:

it's a thank you from her young d, to you. It's a courtesy.


W: <SD> came home from <her XH> last night and loves her candy land game. She wanted to thank you but it was too late to call so I told her I'd tell you.

I don't really see any reason to respond to this. She didn't ask a question.


B/c it is polite to say "you're welcome" or "glad she liked it" and ending the talk then. THAT Would have been healthy and not pursuit.

But since she was being polite but did not reach out to you, you didn't respond? Can you see how self centered that is? Her politness didn't meet all your needs --so you'll show her, you'll ignore it.

Hey, it's a small thing but you can learn from this^^^...


Is that not utter BS? lol I guess it would have been extraordinary to instead consider letting her call me today to say thank you.

You're kidding, right? Oh No you're not. You say "lol" but right after "utter BS" so you are angry but trying to mask it.

You are angry (again) that she didn't send you a message wrapped the way you wanted it, so you rejected it...



So no response is the best response to this right?

not in my opinion. It would have been rude of her not to say anything.

She conveyed the message to you sooner rather than later, but you call that "utter BS".
and I think

if she'd had the girl call you the next day (you'd be mad about the delay)

AND if your wife did not speak much to you but had the step daughter talk instead, then you'd have been angry at your w for not calling you herself. Either way, you "win" (she loses) b/c you get to be angry again.



Thanks in advance for any opinions on this little gem, and good luck to all in your respective sitch's!

I hope I'm not too late to make a small difference in how you think these things out.

Why'd your first marriage fail? Ever wonder?

Also do you go to meetings to stay sober?

[25yearsmlc]

Hi folks, hope you are having better traction than me...

PLEASE BLAST ME WITH 2x4's AS I CONTINUE TO MAKE THE SAME STUPID MISTAKES OVER AND OVER AGAIN. I think part of the problem now is that I feel like I'm on a timer, because I honestly am going to file on 8/27 if nothing significant changes because I am not going to go on living in limbo any longer...


this^^ "problem" is 100% your own creation. Get off your useless timer and change YOURSELF and then, in some amount of time, requiring patience which you sorely lack (and stepfathers need a lot of) that problem would be "SOLVED"

so maybe you'd stop freaking out and pursuing and trying to force and control the outcome so blatantly and often.

You can end your limbo based on when you must, NOT based on a legal deadline.

Saying "after 10 months still not reconsidering" WELL OF COURSE NOT= she has not seen your interactions veer at all.

You still argue with her about the marriage and you still pursue. YOU ADMIT you make the same mistakes so why would she think you OR marriage to you, would be different?

Why would she change her mind?

AND STOP reading into things like her song choice b/c it's snooping and mind reading and imo, your guesses are off base a lot. She may have regrets about marrying you, or leaving you, or leaving her first h or the OM she knows now

OR NONE OF THAT....pointless to wonder and counter productive to comment on it. TOTAL PURSUIT and then to add to your pursuit, you break the basic RULES again-

you cannot argue your way back into her heart.

CHANGE YOUR BEHAVIOR BEFORE YOU GO AROUND EXPECTING HER TO HAVE SECOND THOUGHTS...

Your goal of reconciling is premised on how things would be better but you are not different enough yet. Not visibly to her. (Not all that visible here...like you said, you keep on doing the same mistakes.)


So, as I've previously said, my W continues to listen to "I messed up/take me back/reconcile" type songs over and over again. Examples: Remind me, best I ever had, unchained melody, I told you so, etc...

Today I sent her a picture that said: "Listen to the lyrics of a girl's favorite song... You will realize that the lyrics are probably how she feels. "


SOOO, you wanted to show her how SHE feels about you? Does that seem reasonable to you now, in hindsight?

Next time you again want to pursue, Why don't you ask us here BEFORE you send it to her? Seriously...


W: You been tapping into my playlist again? lol

Me: no tapping for me but your listening history and mine both show up. lol How are you doing and how is <sister>?

W: Yours doesn't show up on mine. So what song made you send that picture? <sister> is in surgery now having her tube removed. I'm with her in Concord. I'm fine. Going back to work tomorrow. Yay. lol

Me: It should on the iphone app, maybe you need to upgrade. Remind me, best I ever had, unchained melody, I told you so. I'm glad you and <sister> are doing better. I didn't make the picture btw... lol

W: Those songs are just good songs to sing to. Pretty slow songs, ya know. Just seems that most slow songs are about breakups lol. Smartass

she explains that it's NOT about you the way you think...so then you argue or second guess to pursue some more...


Me: What did I say that was smartass? lol So you haven't had any second thoughts at all?

W: I'm happy

Me: So am I, but you didn't answer the question. I finally figured out why I am the way I am by the way. It's quite interesting when I map to all my past behaviors. It would be really cool if we could talk one day.


This is all about YOU. You were not interested enough in what she just said, which is that she is HAPPY, to reply to that and it's key. It ought to mean something to you since you claim to love her.
But you wanted to make YOUR POINT and pursue and get your way...far more important than what she actually said to you.

when you get a chance to have another conversation, LISTEN and validate. Try saying-
"I'm glad you are happy" and mean it.


W: I'm glad you're happy

So that's a freaking home run right!!! I think I violated 13 of the 37 rules in about 5 minutes. GEEZ I CONTINUE TO BE AN IDIOT OF THE HIGHEST LEVEL... What I meant by "figured myself out" is I have the classic nice guy syndrome. I've read the book twice and it's honestly scary. Totally maps to the gift giving/resentment cycle that led to my verbal abuse, the entire "nice guy" scheme maps to my every behavior.

I know many will say this is mind reading but all logic and deduction says it's not.


If it's your mind, read away. Beware of censoring your rationalizations though.

1) She has had second thoughts, some of her past behaviors point to this and she verbally mentioned second thoughts earlier in the year. She flat out won't say she hasn't because she and I both know that she has/is having second thoughts.

2) I don't buy the music explanation because the songs she listens to over and over are mostly about reconciliation.

AAARRRGH PLEASE REAR BACK AND SWING HARD I AM SUCH A BUMBLING IDIOT!!!

Only recovery is just to stop and go dark again right? I obviously want to dig myself a further hole and press the issue in that I know she's had second thoughts... I AM SO SICK OF THIS CRAP AND MINDGAMES AND I SUCK AT IT TO BOOT :-(

Thanks in advance for any constructive criticism and good luck to all in your respective sitch's!!!

Break your cycle. You're making yourself nuts. AND It's counter productive.

You could, in theory, have interactions with her that are healthy but you don't seem able to.

that's why I said "given that the only option YOU SEEM to have is pursuit, go dark" b/c pursuit isn't working.

Too bad you don't learn from your mistakes and have friendly conversations...like a friend.'

Friendship is a part of any good m and friends don't always read into things or expect "gifts wrapped a certain way or they'll be ignored"...which you do.

So, can you have an adult talk or must you go dark?

If you pursue her every single time you talk to her OR ARGUE about the wonderful nature of how the marriage could be, while repeating past behaviors,

then stay dark.

[25yearsmlc]

Eventful weekend... Got a thank you from my SS for his birthday gift (SAT prep book and card with encouragement words about school and test/college preparation).

SS: Hey thanks for the present and the card! I really appreciate it!

Me: You're welcome, I hope you had a great birthday! If you're game for tennis or Japanase one day hit me up. Take it easy!

SS: Or instead could we got to like a regular batting cage and u pitch some to me and me hit? I'm trying to work on my batting cause I wanna try out for baseball again.

Me: Sure man sounds like fun. Let me know when you want to do it and we'll hook it up.

SS: Okay. Only problem is I don't have a baseball bat or any baseballs lol So we'll have to use tennis balls or something and I guess I'll have to find a cheap baseball bat or something.

Me: Don't sweat that I can round up a bat and balls just let me know when you want to do it.

SS: Okay :-)

So that can be nothing but a positive that my SS would like some baseball practice help, that gave me a little boost.

Yes...it's nice he wants to spend time with you.

I am looking forward to being able to spend some time with him regardless of the new information I came across below.

Today come to find out OM enlisted his FB relationship status to "in a relationship" with my W. I am not friends with W and I had OM blocked. To confirm this, I unblocked the OM, and sure enough this is true. W had unblocked me some time ago for whatever reason, she does not advertise her relationship status publically not that it matters at all.

This is the straw that breaks the camels back for me. I called and spoke to her ex-father in law whom I am still friends with.


before I post a long note to you, instead let me just tell you how strange it is to me that you'd give up or give in
or quit or stay

or do anything based on what OM POSTED ON FB!!!!


your wife did not do this. Some guy did. WHO CARES?????

talk about giving your power away to someone else...




Her mother left him about two years ago and has been married once since and is getting married again. I belive that will make number 7 or 8. And this is what I married into. His advice to me was cut bait and run as hard as I can, that if I don't see the forest for the trees at this point I need to get my head examined. I FINALLY agree with him and EVERY OTHER FRIEND AND FAMILY WHO CARES ABOUT ME.

not one bit of this matters imo. Her former father in law, or her dad or step dad? Whatever, he's about the most biased person you could reach out to...so of course you chose him. And your contempt for your wife is again apparent.

So maybe you ought to be just done b/c you lack the ingredient for sustained personal growth and deferred gratification, that successful LBSer have to have, I guess.

I do not begrudge someone who has really tried his best, dug deep and changed, finally just wanting to move forward.

I simply do not believe you fit that category.




The good thing is a few months ago I would have flipped out over this. Not anymore. I am done, finished, finit. Came here to vent on this and I will be adhering to the 48 hour rule before doing anything except speaking with my attorney to get the ball rolling.



It is hard to accept the realization that I have been played for such a fool, but it is what it is. I made my mistakes, but it is obvious that her MO was to milk me dry until she could find a bigger fish to fry. Perhaps the OM will be in for as much of an eventful ride as I got.

his fb post "proves" that you were "played for a fool" AND HER "MO" b/c....WHAT? What are you talking about?

it's one thing to be done, it's another to revise the marital history again.

IF YOU WANT OUT, THEN OWN THAT BUT STOP PLAYING THE VICTIM.


I am removing my self imposed dating restrictions at this point. I have my mojo back and am going to exercise it the fullest to enjoy my life, everyday. I may have gotten played by someone that I thought I knew, but I have learned and that most certainly will not be happening again. I have also learned a lot about myself in this process and will take those lessons to heart going forward.

I wanted to give a heart felt thanks to any and all who have ever read or posted to my threads. I cannot tell you what a tremendous help you have been to me from the bottom of my heart. Although I am not getting "what I wanted" when I started out here, I think I am going to be much better off in the long run as a result. I did the best I could stepping into a stepfather role of 3 when I had no experience. As a result of this, I know that I want a child of my own in the future. If it were not for the experience I had with my stepkids I may have never came to that conclusion. I hope to maintain a R with my stepkids but only time will tell on that. More than likely their relationship will continue with my W affair partner instead.

Man, I can't believe I am done Divorce Busting. I am not only dropping the rope, I am burning it. I was prepared for this to happen on 8/27, as they say life is short I guess I will be thankful this realization came 38 days early.

I will update this thread to the conclusion of my sitch, so hopefully it can serve as a learning tool to others. There is a sense of peace and calm about me now that I haven't had since this entire diatribe of nonsense started. I am really incredibly glad this over, and am looking forward to my new life. I am happy to have permanently departed limbo-land.

Thanks again to everyone and good luck to all in your respective sitch's!

[25yearsmlc]

I wish we had the edit button here Moderators!!!

Alas, no more words from me would matter in this case.


Broken, I hope whatever good insights you may have learned from this experience, stick.

Good luck

[nhmom]

Broken,

You got great feedback from Denver and 25. I hope you take time to read and re-read them.

Based on your posts, your emotions are still a roller coaster, and understandably so. Just think of it as 3 steps forward, 2 steps back. One day you'll feel strong, the next day you feel like giving up.

As it was mentioned above, the D is not going to bring you closure, at least not on the emotional level.

And as long as OM is in the picture, you really don't have a shot. But it's out of your control. She has to end it on her own. If you are still willing to fight for her, don't show her. Your job is now to focus entirely on yourself, on how you can improve yourself (it's an ongoing journey, btw). If she notices, great. If she doesn't, oh well (that's not the purpose anyway).

You keep mentioning forgiveness, but I don't think you fully have forgiven her or yourself. Forgiveness is a process, and it can take a long time. I'd recommend reading some books or articles on that from time to time.

What's done is done. You can't change the past. Nobody can. You can let go. All the things you say you did for her, set them free...think of them as a gift that you gave your W without expecting ANYTHING in return. Just a kind gesture. Now - look forward, look to the future. Are you happy with the man that you are? Is there anything you'd like to work on?

[Brit45]

What Denver said about divorce is what I meant when I said that nothing would change with your sitch from the 25th to the 28th whether you file or not.....your problems, feeling, pain etc will all still be there.

Controlling how you FEEL about a sitch will make a much bigger different than controlling what you DO about a sitch.

[Broken74]

Thanks Denver, 25, nhmom, and Brit,

25yearsmlc, PLEASE DON’T GIVE UP ON ME… As I told Brit, I know it is frustrating to take the time to post to someone and see them continue to flail time and time again. I am trying extremely hard at this I really am, I just continually struggle. I realize the fact it is on FB makes no different, but the fact of the matter is, while I was hopeful that things were fizzling out the OM, it was confirmed Sunday that is the not the case, that absolutely breaks my heart and is the reason for my roller coaster this week. I know I am not detached because this affected me, unfortunately since I love my W the fact that she is still with the OM is upsetting to me.

Denver, thanks again. To your points, I appreciate all of them.

I get that filing is not going to change my feelings. I have decided that I’m not going file, I think I’m going to try and just let that day pass without doing anything, and be prepared for the case that she may file (although I honestly don’t think that’s going to happen. Ironically she never actually mentions or uses the word divorce). I realize that there is little hope in my sitch and am prepared for likely outcome of divorce. I am not giving up yet though.

On forgiveness I feel like I have forgiven her, that is something I work on every day. The OM is what it is, there is nothing I can do about that. I am thankful that my SS wants to practice baseball with me. I know he knows the OM as he was there when I confronted he and my W in October. He is choosing to spend time with me versus him which I take as a plus. I am working to make all interactions with W positive in the future.

Regarding W choices, I don’t know what is driving them. I know I have loved her more than any woman I have ever known. I don’t’ think I fell in love with her because I wanted to “fix” her, but during the course of our relationship (from early in our dating phase as a matter of fact) I did a tremendous amount of “fixing”. I take no offense to your question and appreciate it. Given everything that has happened, the love for my wife is the thing that keeps me going here. I have had plenty of “no drama attached/clean slate” opportunities that have presented themselves, but I am leaving those alone because I love my W and stepkids and want things to work out. I hope my W is realizing she can make it on her own as you did, maybe that will help her.

You’re right on the control factor, still working on that. I purchased the car but she is making the making the payments and paying the insurance on it. It is a liability to me because it is still on my credit (and an emotional liability in the likelihood that OM is tooling around in the car I got for my W to make her Christmas). I’m not mentioning the car or anything financial which is a 180 for me.

The ability to spend time with SS I feel is key and I am going to make the most of it. I am nervous if I ask her permission directly if it’s ok to hang out with him she may shoot it down. Should I just not ask, or maybe ask him to clear it with her? He is 17 years old, I have the texts with him asking me to practice with him.
You are a saint Denver, again I greatly appreciate it. I watched the Chinese bamboo tree last night as I was going to bed. I am going to chill out and keep watering, largely thanks to you helping me get my head back on straight. It has been a rough week and you have helped me through it tremendously. Thank you so much.

25,

Thanks for your time and post! I can feel your frustration but know I am working on me, listening, and have just had a tremdously rough week that has got me off center.

Regarding the thank you text from daughter BDay present, I did end replying with a simple thank you so I didn’t just not respond. I was spun up because I didn’t see why she wouldn’t let my SD call me to say thank you, that was all. When I read that again, you’re right, it did make me upset, not so far as angry I’ll say but upset, yes. Still need to work on that. Trust me in that I don’t like to get upset or angry, I strive for peace and harmony just like everybody else.

My first marriage failed because I married the wrong person and went MLC. I went from 300lbs with no female interest to the best shape of my life in a sexless marriage and my W said if all I wanted was sex was to go find it elsewhere, so I did. Karma is a bitch I fully believe this is part of the reason I am in my personal hell now. My W begged me back, and I went back once for a week to try, I had lost all attraction to her and never looked back.

I don’t go to meetings. My form of alcoholism was binge drinking. I didn’t drink often but when I did I’d get blasted. I didn’t drink at all during our engagement period between 12/2010 and 5/2011. After I took on a tremendous amount of debt for her surgery, new house, car for her etc, I felt entitled to drink occasionally because “I WAS THE MAN” of course… How stupid… The financial stress caused me resentment, I would get blasted (probably 5x total during the marriage), and verbally abused her. This is why I am here. I have had a social beer with my boss 4 times this year to discuss promotions and other job opportunities, I have not been intoxicated since last year.

You’re right about the timer. I am dropping it. I am dropping the rope 25, please watch my actions and not my words. You, Denver, nhmom and Brit have really set me straight today. My first step is to have a great time with my SS on Sunday. Maybe my other SS will come along as well. You’re right about the picture and forcing my viewpoint onto her. It was stupid. I hadn’t communicated with her in a while, and she was literally listening the stuff over and over so I wanted to take a shot… WHICH IS ALWAYS MY PROBLEM. &#61516; And you are right it was stupid for me not to say that “I’m glad your happy”. She USED TO BE 100% honest all the time… I do think that consciously she couldn’t say she hasn’t had second thoughts because she has had/may be having them.

I’m going to work on healthy interactions. If things go well with SS on Monday I think I’ll lead in with, “Hope you are doing well, I like SS chances of making the baseball team this year!” I am going to try and be a friend and have adult talk, and not bring up any more R talk or pursuit. I KNOW I HAVE SAID THIS IN THE PAST BUT I ASK FOR YOUR PATIENCE TO WATCH ME BECAUSE YOUR SUPPORT IS REALLY HELPFUL TO ME &#61514;

My reaction to the FB was stupid. This fueled my rants over the past few days. I pretty well knew she was still dealing with the OM this only confirmed it. I am over it.

I am growing personally 25, it’s hard to see on a message board. I took a right cross and it wobbled me but I am not done yet. Today is not that day for me. When I speak of the past in my sitch it is always going to show contempt for my wife, I don’t know that I can spin things in any different way. Many screwed up things have happened on both our parts, nothing anybody can do to change that.

I hope you’ll keep following and comment on my sitch as you have feedback. I sincerely thank you for it and it really helps me… I know I am a tool in my dealing with this but I am really giving it my best shot and am going to do better going forward.

NHmom,

Thank you again. I am doing a lot of rereading these days. Thank you for your compassion. As you can see I am having a really hard time this week &#61516;… I have thought I was “giving up” a bunch of time, but once my head clears I determine I am not done. You’re right the OM, I am just going to work on myself and try to enjoy time with my stepkids when it is available, and further work on forgiveness and letting go of the past. What’s done is done. I am happier with the man that I am and think I get better every day, but I still have a lot of work to do on my forgiveness and dealing with things without getting angry. Thanks for your feedback I greatly appreciate it!!!

Brit,

You are right, I am not going to file. She may do it on that day, but I will not. I don’t’ think she will, which if that happens would be a plus right? Not really I guess since it’s just paper as we’ve said. Thanks again for your insight &#61514;

THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH… I will keep journaling and appreciate your support so much I can not express it in words. I AM GOING TO DO BETTER I PROMISE, BECAUSE A SLIM CHANCE AT ANOTHER SHOT WITH MY W IS WORTH IT.

Good luck to all in your respective sitch’s!

[Denver_2010]

Like I said before Broken, I have not read all of your threads. It sounds like you have made some DB mistakes along the way. I just want you to know that we all do/did. I know that I certainly did. 25 would be me over the head almost daily! LOL

But don't beat yourself up too much. You love this woman and this is hard stuff. While I agree with what 25 said about the FB thing, I gotta be honest, I would have been angry... which would have been symptomatic of being hurt emotionally. It happens.

The key, as I see it, is to make sure that when you get angry, do it where there is no chance that your W will see it or find out about it. We all get angry and hurt about why we are here. But we can also learn to minimize those instances and learn to control our feelings a bit better.

There is no way through the pain, other than through it.

I will try to check back in next week. I'm leaving town for a few days now though. Talk soon.

Denver

[Broken74]

Thanks again man, my head is on straight now thanks to you guys. I really appreciate you, have a good and safe trip! :-)