yesterday, h texted me that he was going to try to get things lined up for me to get a new car, for today or early friday morning.
we are selling a piece of property and since i've sold my car, i don't have one for my trip to my sister's that i've been planning. i wanted to get up there in time for a festival this weekend.
our closing on the property has been moved several times but is scheduled for today at 4pm. i will have to do banking to get all the funds available without a "hold" put on them.
H and i had discussed moving other money around to buy the car and not having to wait for the closing but it would have involved a lot of effort and penalties for balances going below the minium.
so, when he texted me yesterday, i texted back that i just didn't want us to have that added stress of moving money, getting the dealership lined up, rushing, etc. i said i was really fine with not going to the festival and would have lots of time for other events.
he had asked me to be ready to help him with it but when i said i'd rather wait, "if that's ok with you?", he said ok.
well, my H is an A-type personality and really pushes ahead with his agenda and solves problems. he got the dealership to get him the pricing he wanted and faxed to him. then he emailed it to me but when he called, i was not available.
when i called him back about 90 mins. later, i could tell he was miffed about not being about to reach me.
he then texted me, "never mind, SS".
i see this as him forging ahead and not regarding my desires and then gettting angry at me for not being available.
i texted him that i can't take anger from people now and that i hadn't done anything wrong. i said perhaps i didn't make myself clear enough that i wanted to wait until after we had the closing and i had that money in hand.
he texted back that perhaps he didn't make it clear enough that he wanted my help and needed me to be available and that he was excited with the pricing he got and wanted to talk about it with me. he said he felt "lost" when he couldn't and then "came down" off of his high.
several things i see here, some positive, some not so.
first, i don't think he really listened to what i said after he indicated he wanted me to be available. i think this has been one of our problems in our M. it's his way and i'm supposed to be his support system and to follow orders (he's a manager at work).
secondly, he at least admitted his FEELINGS and stepped back from anger. to me, that's a good thing. however, he mentioned again that maybe HE hadn't made it clear enough that he wanted me to be available and ignored the fact that my desire to wait came after that.
lastly, it was very kind and thoughtful of him to try to make this happen for me so i could get to my sister's in time for the festival.
so, my problem is:
i think he gets excited about something and goes full steam ahead, reguardless of what my wishes are. is there a better way for me to make myself heard?
when i experience something like this with him, it really makes me wonder if he and i would be able to make a R work in the future. i've pretty much been living the life he wants and supporting his choices and desires but now i'm wanting things that are different than what he wants and i think it feels like betrayal to him (he's mentioned that these things are "broken promises").
i wonder how to effect compromise and sharing with someone who has had my devotion to their goals for 15 years? also, how to get him to accept that people change and with those changes, come changes in goals and desires.
hope i'v made this clear...i seem to be having problems in that area!
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
Boundaries is exactly what I was thinking. Mach did a great post on boundaries to Breakdown in his boot camp thread this morning.
I think he crossed a boundary with you. There is no need for you to be upset that he's angry unless you feel the boundary was unfair or unclear. It would be ideal for the 2 of you to get granular with this. Just ask the question, How could we have done this better?
The issue is, if he constantly overrules you, do you want that in a R? Can it be worked out so you both get your needs met. Take this as an opportunity to turn things around.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Well, great minds think alike! I did exactly that. I sent him an email at work this morning: Me- "I've been thinking about how to avoid the hurt feelings and confusions that happened yesterday in the future. Any ideas?"
H- "No I don't, sorry!"
Ha! I think he's feeling sorry for himself. About 20 mins later, I called him. I was upbeat (hey, what's up, buttercup!") and asked him how things are going. I could hear him choke up and he said he was "worried about my job".
He had someone coming into his office so her couldn't talk but I texted him later to see if he's free this evening and we're meeting for dinner.
I think, deep down, he knows he overstepped. But he's not the type to admit mistakes easily or say he's sorry. I think he will but it will be more likely if I don't push and just let him see that after he makes a mistake like this, and I let him know he's gone too far, I can not be angry and still be pleasant. If I show him that, maybe he will let go of anger more readily, too, and stop being the "victim"?
Ya think?! I'm playin' it by ear, here! ;-)
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
Ps. This was on navy's thread by greenblue90 and I love it:
"Now i can't explain it, but constantly over apologizing, keeps the offended party from moving on. It's hard to explain. You cant be totally callous, but overly apologizing just keeps reopening the wound, and the other person can't move on. They get stuck in victim mode."
This has been me!!! But... I'm done with that! I'm a pretty good catch and I'm feeling too good about myself and my direction in life to keep apologizing!
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
SS, this sounds much like the analogy I posted about the iced tea, where I requested iced tea and H brought a frozen lemonade instead. In spite of the fact that you told your H what you wanted, he did something different, overriding your stated wishes.
What would you have advised ME to do? Sounds like you might be able to apply the same approach.
LOL! cv, you're still around...stalking the one who gave you so much trouble!
well, when the time is right and he brings it up (because he was the one who overstepped and yet, got upset), and i think he will, i'll let him know that i didn't feel listened to.
he'll either take what i'm saying and use it in the future or not.
then, depending on what happens, i'll have to decide if i can continue to live with someone who is like that, or not.
he's better than you H (i think) in that he's open more to the problems he creates. it's just that he's not open at the time. later on, he brings something up and will ask if it's inside the parameters i've requested.
it's kind of sad what little boys they are and how they have to be handled with kid gloves. i do know that i'll get nowhere with anger. i also know that i will have to be willing to forgive and look for solutions. if there is no solution or he refuses, again, i will have to decide how important it is to me.
is he good on the big things and poor on the small ones? are the small ones becoming big ones for me? as i said above, it's all playing by ear right now. we're in a rebuilding stage.
i wish i had concrete answers but there's so much flux in our relationship right now and in the people we see ourselves as and/or want to become.
i hope you're doing well.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
p.s., cv, found this on the pema chodron site and it really spoke to me:
"...there's nothing wrong with negativity, but our problem is negative negativity. By which he means, there's nothing wrong with the essential arising of any emotion or life situation, for that matter. But where it gets problematic is what we make of that, how we make matters worse with how we work with our mind: resentment, bitterness, blame, and on and on.
Wishing to be free of that kind of really self-imposed loneliness, self-imposed suffering that we create with our minds. The fact that our house burns down is not self-imposed. The fact that we get an illness isn't self-imposed. What we do with that and how that escalates into such intense misery and feeling of separateness and feeling of aloneness and alienation. This, we do this with our minds. We do it to ourselves. We torture ourselves. "
i love it!
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
You didn't give me trouble, I know you meant well. I don't like when people only tell me what I want to hear. What good is that? Besides, who was it that said "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer (Lincoln, I thought)?" You offered me a very appropriate "opposite" to my sitch. You and Adinva both.
Quote:
we're in a rebuilding stage.
Are you two reconciling? I thought I was caught up on your sitch but must have missed that. That is great if you are!
I think you have a great attitude about your sitch. I think all of us have to decide if the little things are really big things, and vice versa. No one else can tell us either.
Your quote was deep, but much easier said than done. I'm hard-pressed to think that a person whose house has burnt down is mentally making it worse than it is. It would be horrible and long-impacting. I get the essence of it, but it just seems rather simplistic. Some people are naturally more like that than others. I was reading an article this week on a "condition" where people are inappropriately happy all the time. Basically, chemically wired that way, only it's the opposite of depression. I would agree that most people can chose a better attitude, just like most people have the capacity to lose weight. It is, however, easier for some than others because of.... well, sooo many things.
To your statement, "I was really fine with not going to the festival," it's not the same as "I really don't want to go." So if your H is an acts of service guy, he would still be programmed to your preference to go and trying to make that happen. You inadvertently rained on his parade by eliminating his opportunity to be a hero and provide. In his defense, I believe he probably still thought he was doing something for you, that you had originally said you wanted and could be interpreted as still wanting to.
