Piecing - Round 1

[GH31]

Denver_2010,

I saw this in a previous thread you wrote, possibly over a year ago (the bold and underlined bits are mine):

I did not defend my W when my family criticized her about an issue that I will not go into here. I told my W that she needed to just get over it. I yelled at my W. I showed my W anger. I threatened her with financial superiority and control. I did not spend time with my W and/or my SS. I did not communicate to her. I did not tell her that I cared what was going on in her life. She told me numerous times that she was 'lonely'. I did not care. I thought my W was spoiled bc I provided for her.

I did not respect my W. I did not live up to my marriage vows. I sat and slept on the couch, watching t.v., expecting that things would fix themselves. Literally convincing myself that I did not care if my W left or stayed.

For 7+ years my W loved me despite my failings, despite my flaws, and despite how I made her feel that she was not good enough for me. She was faithful to me during all of that time. Despite everything.

My W had threatened to leave me a few times, and I always called her bluff. I honestly never thought that she never would. I thought that she needed me. I did NOT believe that I needed her.

My word Brother, I could have written this. In fact I think I did.

I was this man - in fact I wasn't worthy of the title of "man". I was a very nasty piece of work. I said and did virtually all of the things you mention and I absolutely deserved for my wife to leave me. I shouted at my wife, used the worst words in the English language to namecall her to her face, grabbed her in the middle of the street when we fought etc. I used to love conflict. How utterly depraved and twisted is that?

I had a troublesome childhood and some abandonment issues and I was one of these "my way or the highway" types. I was an island and "didn't need anyone" etc. My wife and I had separate finances until relatively recently; this was how my own controlling and authoritarian Dad treated my Mum and I became him.

When I read stuff like this I become really ashamed of the man I used to be, but shame is a good thing. It helps to prevent us repeating similar errors of the past, especially if we have conditioned ourselves with new responses to old triggers.

It also reminds me of how much I really do love my wife and my two children.

Please forgive your wife. It will be tough Denver, and it will a process, not an event. Waves of extreme hatred, bitterness and resentment will come and you'll want to rehash everything.

Don't.

Affairs act like a drug in the cheater's blood and the putrid chemicals that infect their brains render them incapable of empathy, sound judgement, rational thought and all the best attributes of being a human being. These faculties are "switched off" - often for a couple of years.

It sounds to me like you have a really good shot at this. Please also address the issues that made you into an angry, bitter and cruel man to begin with - make peace with anything from the past that has tormented you all this time.

Enjoy her as much as you can and if you want any other info or sources I used to lead me out of the horrible abyss I found myself in, let me know.

All the best,

GH31