Hi RegretfulLA, We have looked into why the affair happened. This was very difficult because at the time the affair was developing and evolving I really had no Idea these things were lacking in our marriage. From what I was able to discover, I was missing an emotional connection with my H. On the outside I come across as a very confident strong person. But in reality in the inside I am very insecure and have low self-esteem. Maybe my perception was just a very good cover-up for what I was really feeling? Anyway when the affair started the overwhelming feeling I had for the attention I was getting from OM was so strong I just could not stop it. It was almost like a drug, I wanted more and more of that attention because it made me feel so complete and good about myself. I was losing weight, and my H was noticing. And the strange thing about all of that was he was more attentive to me and I liked that as well. I do not want to say it was a “Have my Cake and eat it too” but I liked all of the attention I was getting on both sides.
Now that I look back at it I was getting the emotional boost I needed from the OM and the physical from my H. Until my H started to back off due to my sudden change in behavior. This is when the physical Affair started with the OM. He just knew what to say and what I needed to hear at that time.
So to answer your question I do not think I was getting what I needed emotionally from my H. However when this came out he was very defensive. Throughout all of this I have come to realize that my H’s way of showing me affection was to Work Hard long hours, fix things around the house, and just be present. From my point of view I took this as “He would rather work than be with me” “Or he would rather not be home” He was so hurt that I just did not realize he was doing these things for me and our family. You know In the back of my head I knew this but I still needed to verbal “I Love you” or the reassurance, and he never gave that to me. I think over the last 20 years of knowing him I can count on one hand how many times he actually said “I love You” He thought by him doing the things he was doing was good enough. And he still feels this way.
It is sad. If we were better communicators then we would not be in this mess. I am by no means blaming him…..but when I come out and say I need those reassurances, I feel very disregarded when he tells me I just should have known how he felt by his actions. Even though I have told him I need to hear the words and feel his touch…….
