TIME for a change

[Broken74]

Thanks Denver, 25, nhmom, and Brit,

25yearsmlc, PLEASE DON’T GIVE UP ON ME… As I told Brit, I know it is frustrating to take the time to post to someone and see them continue to flail time and time again. I am trying extremely hard at this I really am, I just continually struggle. I realize the fact it is on FB makes no different, but the fact of the matter is, while I was hopeful that things were fizzling out the OM, it was confirmed Sunday that is the not the case, that absolutely breaks my heart and is the reason for my roller coaster this week. I know I am not detached because this affected me, unfortunately since I love my W the fact that she is still with the OM is upsetting to me.

Denver, thanks again. To your points, I appreciate all of them.

I get that filing is not going to change my feelings. I have decided that I’m not going file, I think I’m going to try and just let that day pass without doing anything, and be prepared for the case that she may file (although I honestly don’t think that’s going to happen. Ironically she never actually mentions or uses the word divorce). I realize that there is little hope in my sitch and am prepared for likely outcome of divorce. I am not giving up yet though.

On forgiveness I feel like I have forgiven her, that is something I work on every day. The OM is what it is, there is nothing I can do about that. I am thankful that my SS wants to practice baseball with me. I know he knows the OM as he was there when I confronted he and my W in October. He is choosing to spend time with me versus him which I take as a plus. I am working to make all interactions with W positive in the future.

Regarding W choices, I don’t know what is driving them. I know I have loved her more than any woman I have ever known. I don’t’ think I fell in love with her because I wanted to “fix” her, but during the course of our relationship (from early in our dating phase as a matter of fact) I did a tremendous amount of “fixing”. I take no offense to your question and appreciate it. Given everything that has happened, the love for my wife is the thing that keeps me going here. I have had plenty of “no drama attached/clean slate” opportunities that have presented themselves, but I am leaving those alone because I love my W and stepkids and want things to work out. I hope my W is realizing she can make it on her own as you did, maybe that will help her.

You’re right on the control factor, still working on that. I purchased the car but she is making the making the payments and paying the insurance on it. It is a liability to me because it is still on my credit (and an emotional liability in the likelihood that OM is tooling around in the car I got for my W to make her Christmas). I’m not mentioning the car or anything financial which is a 180 for me.

The ability to spend time with SS I feel is key and I am going to make the most of it. I am nervous if I ask her permission directly if it’s ok to hang out with him she may shoot it down. Should I just not ask, or maybe ask him to clear it with her? He is 17 years old, I have the texts with him asking me to practice with him.
You are a saint Denver, again I greatly appreciate it. I watched the Chinese bamboo tree last night as I was going to bed. I am going to chill out and keep watering, largely thanks to you helping me get my head back on straight. It has been a rough week and you have helped me through it tremendously. Thank you so much.

25,

Thanks for your time and post! I can feel your frustration but know I am working on me, listening, and have just had a tremdously rough week that has got me off center.

Regarding the thank you text from daughter BDay present, I did end replying with a simple thank you so I didn’t just not respond. I was spun up because I didn’t see why she wouldn’t let my SD call me to say thank you, that was all. When I read that again, you’re right, it did make me upset, not so far as angry I’ll say but upset, yes. Still need to work on that. Trust me in that I don’t like to get upset or angry, I strive for peace and harmony just like everybody else.

My first marriage failed because I married the wrong person and went MLC. I went from 300lbs with no female interest to the best shape of my life in a sexless marriage and my W said if all I wanted was sex was to go find it elsewhere, so I did. Karma is a bitch I fully believe this is part of the reason I am in my personal hell now. My W begged me back, and I went back once for a week to try, I had lost all attraction to her and never looked back.

I don’t go to meetings. My form of alcoholism was binge drinking. I didn’t drink often but when I did I’d get blasted. I didn’t drink at all during our engagement period between 12/2010 and 5/2011. After I took on a tremendous amount of debt for her surgery, new house, car for her etc, I felt entitled to drink occasionally because “I WAS THE MAN” of course… How stupid… The financial stress caused me resentment, I would get blasted (probably 5x total during the marriage), and verbally abused her. This is why I am here. I have had a social beer with my boss 4 times this year to discuss promotions and other job opportunities, I have not been intoxicated since last year.

You’re right about the timer. I am dropping it. I am dropping the rope 25, please watch my actions and not my words. You, Denver, nhmom and Brit have really set me straight today. My first step is to have a great time with my SS on Sunday. Maybe my other SS will come along as well. You’re right about the picture and forcing my viewpoint onto her. It was stupid. I hadn’t communicated with her in a while, and she was literally listening the stuff over and over so I wanted to take a shot… WHICH IS ALWAYS MY PROBLEM.  And you are right it was stupid for me not to say that “I’m glad your happy”. She USED TO BE 100% honest all the time… I do think that consciously she couldn’t say she hasn’t had second thoughts because she has had/may be having them.

I’m going to work on healthy interactions. If things go well with SS on Monday I think I’ll lead in with, “Hope you are doing well, I like SS chances of making the baseball team this year!” I am going to try and be a friend and have adult talk, and not bring up any more R talk or pursuit. I KNOW I HAVE SAID THIS IN THE PAST BUT I ASK FOR YOUR PATIENCE TO WATCH ME BECAUSE YOUR SUPPORT IS REALLY HELPFUL TO ME 

My reaction to the FB was stupid. This fueled my rants over the past few days. I pretty well knew she was still dealing with the OM this only confirmed it. I am over it.

I am growing personally 25, it’s hard to see on a message board. I took a right cross and it wobbled me but I am not done yet. Today is not that day for me. When I speak of the past in my sitch it is always going to show contempt for my wife, I don’t know that I can spin things in any different way. Many screwed up things have happened on both our parts, nothing anybody can do to change that.

I hope you’ll keep following and comment on my sitch as you have feedback. I sincerely thank you for it and it really helps me… I know I am a tool in my dealing with this but I am really giving it my best shot and am going to do better going forward.

NHmom,

Thank you again. I am doing a lot of rereading these days. Thank you for your compassion. As you can see I am having a really hard time this week … I have thought I was “giving up” a bunch of time, but once my head clears I determine I am not done. You’re right the OM, I am just going to work on myself and try to enjoy time with my stepkids when it is available, and further work on forgiveness and letting go of the past. What’s done is done. I am happier with the man that I am and think I get better every day, but I still have a lot of work to do on my forgiveness and dealing with things without getting angry. Thanks for your feedback I greatly appreciate it!!!

Brit,

You are right, I am not going to file. She may do it on that day, but I will not. I don’t’ think she will, which if that happens would be a plus right? Not really I guess since it’s just paper as we’ve said. Thanks again for your insight 

THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH… I will keep journaling and appreciate your support so much I can not express it in words. I AM GOING TO DO BETTER I PROMISE, BECAUSE A SLIM CHANCE AT ANOTHER SHOT WITH MY W IS WORTH IT.

Good luck to all in your respective sitch’s!