I goofed this morning...she woke me up with a touch and told me about her day. It was only about 630am so I said "where are you going now?" Clearly she was dressed for work, so she had something she needed to do. Even if she was meeting someone for breakfast, what does it matter. I could have asked "do you have an early meeting?" or something similar....I don't think that has the controlling aspect to it like "where are you going" does. Anyway, small error....and I did just wake up, so I'll give myself a break.
It appears that she is willing to have some open dialogue with you.
So why don't you just tell her...???
I have noticed that when we have conversation, when I am in a partially awake state of mind, I tend to be an asshat. And I would like to ask, that anything that is important to us, or that I absolutely have to remember, be addressed when I am fully awake. Leaving me a note works well too
Quote:
I have been thinking a little about boundaries. I think in the last year, I tried to set 2:
1) Inform me of evening plans/changes 2) Stop using D talk as a weapon in arguments
Really, neither of these have been held up. She's continually rolled over both. All of a sudden, she seems to be paying attention to #1 now, but if she's really planning on moving out in 2 weeks, perhaps she's just trying to keep the peace until then. I don't know, but I'm going to spend some more time thinking about what boundaries do I want now and how can I hold firm on them.
Boundaries.....
Sticky subject there.....
She hasn't respected your boundaries, and you get run over by them....
When I read them, they look very controlling to me. BECAUSE you are trying to control the actions of another person....
Boundaries are for you. They should be in place for your protection, not to place restrictions on anyone else. They should be in place to protect your personal emotional space. To limit the amount of pain that another person can inflict onto you.
Before you can put them into place, you really have to know who YOU are ...
What you can allow inside...
What you are willing to tolerate...
What you can, and cannot live with...
Do you know that right now ????
So let's 'breakdown' your boundaries.....
#1- Inform me of evening plans/changes
I may be wrong, yet it appears that you are doing the majority of the Parenting during the evening hours...
Yes ?
If that is the case, then #1 is pretty easy, and actually it should be unspoken...
YOU should be making the plans for the evening. No questions, no BS.
And YOU can communicate to her, what YOUR plans are....
Wife, I am planning dinner for the kids at 5:37pm. After dinner, we are planning on going to Billy Bobs Barber Emporium to learn how to shave a Sasquatch. We should be home around 9. Please let me know if you are planning on joining us.
Wife, I am not planning on being home this evening, I have made plans and should be home around 10.
You aren't being an ass or anything, you are simply taking control of the things that you are already taking care of. The only difference is, that you are showing confidence in YOUR actions.
Be respectful, and tactful when you interact.
So really, there is no boundary to put in place, or enforce...
I was once told that...
Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell, and they look forward to the trip....
Sometimes.....you have to be the change that you want to see...
#2 ?----Stop using D talk as a weapon in arguments
That one is pretty easy.....
I will no longer allow myself to live in a marriage, where I am threatened with a Divorce when my values differ from my partners. If you feel the need to continue this, then I feel we should proceed with your wishes.
You aren't giving an ultimatum to her in any way. You are simply stating what you can, and cannot live with. It is about YOU....the way boundaries should be....
You are merely giving HER the choice to do things different...
