and if you insist that only a dangerous fool would continue to make love
then tell that to Vernetta my DB coach. She's the one I quoted. She said
"That's an intensely personal decision and don't let anyone decide it for you."
At the time my neighbor suggested I "cut my h off" b/c he had left the home...but it didn't feel right or loving to me although I admit I had a lot of mixed feelings.
That's why I had to discuss it with my DB coach and my MC.
Can't you see any difference between a man who dates a hooker, or 234 of them, and a WAS who dates one person whom they may have believed/known to be married or celebate, for years?
Sure, you can still get tested if you want -b/c there is always SOME risk, but one size does not fit all.
I think the dogmatic approach Chatter suggests, and the tone, is not keeping the road home paved and smooth...but creating an obstacle course of punitive statements and challenges that are NOT designed to do anything but shame someone. That won't last as a way or restoring a marriage.
TO ME, the approach does not sound like DBing. I don't believe you care if it is.
No offense, I just think you're presenting an alternative and maybe that's fine.
But this is DBing, so admit when you are going off on your own, and don't mock me when I quote what I learned from the sources at Div Busting. I stand by Vernetta's comments and adopt them as my own.
ALSO- personally, I know for a fact that making love can help a couple feel connected and can HELP lead to reconciling and that
cutting someone off, sexually, is often a symptom of other problems and no one misses the crossed arms of a judgemental spouse.
I also know 2 women who've gotten STDs from their partners.
I'm not a fool "recklessly advising sex with a whorish spouse" (GET TESTED IF YOU WANT)
but I'm also not so dogmatic to assume only my way is right; nor do I use the "safety concerns" or "teach them a lesson" to disguise a vindictive approach...
It may make the LBSer feel better and self righteous, in the moment,
but it will rarely lead to a lasting, restored marriage.
I still think that's a goal here. Save yourself, and hopefully, save your marriage. Put aside your ego and lose the anger.
Distinguish between self respect and false pride, (which I think Starsky showed in his distinctions between boundaries and ultimatums). It's hard to do, but mandatory.
OH AND BTW I said nothing here that I did not first hear from my DB coach.
If a DB coach recommends continuing to have unprotected sex with a spouse known to be in an active affair, then I guess all I can say is that I strongly disagree.
