Navy I really wish it had been you that delivered a lot of those statements to your W. Thats ok though they've been said and it's almost just as good if you take ownership of those statements.
Based on what she knows you might consider IC with her to find out why you stuck out this long with someone who treated you like that. From previous comments I think you have an inclination, but I think she may help you out.
The following describes me; but if it fits go with it. I was terrified of losing W, I didn't think I could do any better. I thought that was a good as it got for me. So I always bent over backwards for her, if she was mad I did all I could to apologize.
Now i can't explain it, but constantly over apologizing, keeps the offended party from moving on. It's hard to explain. You cant be totally callous, but overly apologizing just keeps reopening the wound, and the other person can't move on. They get stuck in victim mode.
I like you have made some pretty bad mistakes. My W has had a hard time letting them go. Unfortunately when that happens it slowly poisons your marriage. The key of course is for them to allow themselves to forgive you.
Easier said than done, when someone sees themselves as the grieved party for so long it eventually becomes unforgivable, and no amount of apologizing will do. I think this is where you are.
In order to move forward your W must decide she HAS to forgive you. Yet she's so far gone that IMHO the only way she ever will is if she realizes that by being unforgiving she stands to lose more than to gain.
Here is the status quo:
She can't forgive you, so you become nicer in order to please her. She gains a nice Navy and can keep blaming you for her own unhappiness.
Here is what I think you should be:
She can't learn to forgive, so you stop putting up with her, and she loses her marriage, the father of her children, the attention of a loving husband, and stability.
She may realize she doesn't want to throw it all away over a grudge, she may not.
Either way it sounds like your counselor has a good plan, she's in essence holding your W accountable.
