TIME for a change

[25yearsmlc]

Hi folks, hope you are having better traction than me...

PLEASE BLAST ME WITH 2x4's AS I CONTINUE TO MAKE THE SAME STUPID MISTAKES OVER AND OVER AGAIN. I think part of the problem now is that I feel like I'm on a timer, because I honestly am going to file on 8/27 if nothing significant changes because I am not going to go on living in limbo any longer...


this^^ "problem" is 100% your own creation. Get off your useless timer and change YOURSELF and then, in some amount of time, requiring patience which you sorely lack (and stepfathers need a lot of) that problem would be "SOLVED"

so maybe you'd stop freaking out and pursuing and trying to force and control the outcome so blatantly and often.

You can end your limbo based on when you must, NOT based on a legal deadline.

Saying "after 10 months still not reconsidering" WELL OF COURSE NOT= she has not seen your interactions veer at all.

You still argue with her about the marriage and you still pursue. YOU ADMIT you make the same mistakes so why would she think you OR marriage to you, would be different?

Why would she change her mind?

AND STOP reading into things like her song choice b/c it's snooping and mind reading and imo, your guesses are off base a lot. She may have regrets about marrying you, or leaving you, or leaving her first h or the OM she knows now

OR NONE OF THAT....pointless to wonder and counter productive to comment on it. TOTAL PURSUIT and then to add to your pursuit, you break the basic RULES again-

you cannot argue your way back into her heart.

CHANGE YOUR BEHAVIOR BEFORE YOU GO AROUND EXPECTING HER TO HAVE SECOND THOUGHTS...

Your goal of reconciling is premised on how things would be better but you are not different enough yet. Not visibly to her. (Not all that visible here...like you said, you keep on doing the same mistakes.)


So, as I've previously said, my W continues to listen to "I messed up/take me back/reconcile" type songs over and over again. Examples: Remind me, best I ever had, unchained melody, I told you so, etc...

Today I sent her a picture that said: "Listen to the lyrics of a girl's favorite song... You will realize that the lyrics are probably how she feels. "


SOOO, you wanted to show her how SHE feels about you? Does that seem reasonable to you now, in hindsight?

Next time you again want to pursue, Why don't you ask us here BEFORE you send it to her? Seriously...


W: You been tapping into my playlist again? lol

Me: no tapping for me but your listening history and mine both show up. lol How are you doing and how is <sister>?

W: Yours doesn't show up on mine. So what song made you send that picture? <sister> is in surgery now having her tube removed. I'm with her in Concord. I'm fine. Going back to work tomorrow. Yay. lol

Me: It should on the iphone app, maybe you need to upgrade. Remind me, best I ever had, unchained melody, I told you so. I'm glad you and <sister> are doing better. I didn't make the picture btw... lol

W: Those songs are just good songs to sing to. Pretty slow songs, ya know. Just seems that most slow songs are about breakups lol. Smartass

she explains that it's NOT about you the way you think...so then you argue or second guess to pursue some more...


Me: What did I say that was smartass? lol So you haven't had any second thoughts at all?

W: I'm happy

Me: So am I, but you didn't answer the question. I finally figured out why I am the way I am by the way. It's quite interesting when I map to all my past behaviors. It would be really cool if we could talk one day.


This is all about YOU. You were not interested enough in what she just said, which is that she is HAPPY, to reply to that and it's key. It ought to mean something to you since you claim to love her.
But you wanted to make YOUR POINT and pursue and get your way...far more important than what she actually said to you.

when you get a chance to have another conversation, LISTEN and validate. Try saying-
"I'm glad you are happy" and mean it.


W: I'm glad you're happy

So that's a freaking home run right!!! I think I violated 13 of the 37 rules in about 5 minutes. GEEZ I CONTINUE TO BE AN IDIOT OF THE HIGHEST LEVEL... What I meant by "figured myself out" is I have the classic nice guy syndrome. I've read the book twice and it's honestly scary. Totally maps to the gift giving/resentment cycle that led to my verbal abuse, the entire "nice guy" scheme maps to my every behavior.

I know many will say this is mind reading but all logic and deduction says it's not.


If it's your mind, read away. Beware of censoring your rationalizations though.

1) She has had second thoughts, some of her past behaviors point to this and she verbally mentioned second thoughts earlier in the year. She flat out won't say she hasn't because she and I both know that she has/is having second thoughts.

2) I don't buy the music explanation because the songs she listens to over and over are mostly about reconciliation.

AAARRRGH PLEASE REAR BACK AND SWING HARD I AM SUCH A BUMBLING IDIOT!!!

Only recovery is just to stop and go dark again right? I obviously want to dig myself a further hole and press the issue in that I know she's had second thoughts... I AM SO SICK OF THIS CRAP AND MINDGAMES AND I SUCK AT IT TO BOOT :-(

Thanks in advance for any constructive criticism and good luck to all in your respective sitch's!!!

Break your cycle. You're making yourself nuts. AND It's counter productive.

You could, in theory, have interactions with her that are healthy but you don't seem able to.

that's why I said "given that the only option YOU SEEM to have is pursuit, go dark" b/c pursuit isn't working.

Too bad you don't learn from your mistakes and have friendly conversations...like a friend.'

Friendship is a part of any good m and friends don't always read into things or expect "gifts wrapped a certain way or they'll be ignored"...which you do.

So, can you have an adult talk or must you go dark?

If you pursue her every single time you talk to her OR ARGUE about the wonderful nature of how the marriage could be, while repeating past behaviors,

then stay dark.