journaling- well ,i've been mulling over it this last hour and i finally came to some realizations
i do have expectations from brother and h. that if i am making the "effort" i expect them to at the least respond in a civil manner
and it led me to uncovering a deeper belief - that i expect to be acknowledged for my efforts,
which of course led to a release - it's ok not to be acknowledged - only I need to acknowledge it for myself - that's enough.
through these 10 yrs i have not felt acknowledged for my efforts by both of them. and they have this weird thing going on - when they see "weakness' in me - i think it makes them both anxious and insecure and in order to deal with their feelings, they project it on to me. in my own insecurity and anxiousness to "get things right" i would take it on and react to it.
the tax thing was definitely that for me - totally unfamiliar ground and i made the stupid mistake of going to them for help.
i was actually talking about it with my mom a couple of days ago - that i have really noticed more and more clearly that when i talk to brother and i'm in a good state - he is fine. but the minute i ask a question that implies that i don't have ALL my [censored] together - he's ranting and raving. and that it isn't so much about where i'm at, but where he's at.
too bad i didn't keep that in my mind today - might have had a different reaction to it all. well, i'm learning as i 'm going forward.
don't care so much of what either of them felt about it - really only care what i felt and how i could change that for the better for myself
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
