ever since saturday night when h told me that he was moving and going on "the trip" he's been a nightmare to deal with.
after months- the ranting alien is back- and i guess i;m exhausted.
he's made a point to stay away and also keep s away. every phone conversation has been godawful, with me staying super calm , but when i've got off the phone i've started to cry - NOT because i'm upset that it didn't go well but actually because the whole effort was so exhausting to go through.
each time he's called back within 5 mins to apologize
actually i shouldn't say each conversation - last night we talked for over 20 minutes and had a great talk. then this evening he lay into me really bad- and asked me to lie on an application and when i got quiet and said i wasn't comfortable doing that he got really angry and sarcastic. i managed to calm things down and get off the phone. then when he called back to apologize - he told me off for not accepting his apology and keeping quiet and then took back me having to lie on the form and said he'd changed his mind.
oddly since yesterday i've just been in a 'this is beyond beyond. i'm out of here' mood concerning him
i have somethings to work through here. i know i was more upset today, because just an hour before, i got the same exact treatment from my brother and i was already upset about that. and that wasn't even a direct conversation- i was on the phone with our mom, and he was yelling at both of us!! need to find out what it is that triggers me off the same way with the two of them
i was trying really hard to get the taxes done for us - and that's an understatement!! one of my major shortcomings all my life was that i absolutely refused to even look at any paperwork and just left it to h. i've never seen a tax form in my life!! so i was plodding through it and doing the best i could (and we don't have a simple one this year) and first tried to ask for some help from brother who yelled back and then finally had to call h who yelled even more.
of course, during the apology he did say several times that he really appreciated me doing this (he had announced that he didn't want to deal with it at all) - and i was actually enjoying learning all this new stuff. the apology conversation - i managed to turn it around so that he completely relaxed and we laughed about some other stuff. but after i got off the phone i burst into tears. i'd spent the whole day working so hard at stuff i had no idea what it all meant and i think i was just exhausted from the mental strain of it
ach!! i'm venting bad here!!
on to more pleasant things - that ^^^sh!t up there i just needed to get off my chest
this morning i found out that the company we'd started years ago to sell my ceramics - thought it had always had my name on it - but apparently it didn;t . so i called the irs and started a new one in my name . it gave me a new boost of confidence - just made me feel so good - just quietly good.
and i thought all of you might like to know that i called it ZIg Designs!! the person that i have become and grown into since i started on this board - i just wanted to honor her - as well as all the amazing people here who have helped me become what i am today. it's not going to be the name i use with the public - but quietly there in the background always reminding me ...
so good times - and my own little business. only after i did it i realized that the old company name - the energy of that was somehow holding me back
yesterday i was talking to a friend - who's doing belief work herself - and she helped me to bring up some stuff with working that really helped me get over some things that were holding me back
so now all day(well until those stupid taxes) i've been daydreaming and imagining what i am going to work towards and it felt really good - finally after all these years i am actually getting a little excited and being able to envision going in any certain direction
so i'm glad it's the end of the day and tomorrow is a new day
coz i got things to do and places to go
labug - sorry for my long vent - i want to say i just love the way you always quietly come and ask me if i'm okay - some kind of guardian bug? thank you for doing that ...
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
