TIME for a change

[Broken74]

Wow Denver thank you so much! I greatly appreciate you taking the time to review my sitch and provide such great feedback in a constructive manner. I am still reviewing your sitch in it's entirety but I think you have swayed my thinking on the decision to file.

What I want, is another change for a loving R with my W. I realize that our marriage as it was is dead. If I could get another shot at it, I know we could do it right. I miss her and my stepkids tremendously. Reconciling has been my goal since the bomb including from the day I found out about the OM to present. In my heart I have forgiven her for all her missteps. When posting here I sometimes mention them to give context to my sitch, but in my heart I have sincerely forgiven her.

Since our last physical contact, there were some arguments, and some pleasantries. The arguments were when she made it known she was still seeing her affair partner. Then a couple of months ago she reached out to me when her sister was seemingly on her death bed. Really having been speaking by phone primarily by text, last phone conversation we had was on our anniversary and she admitted she may be falling in love with OM.

Affirmative she is still seeing the original OM I busted her with. First guy she corresponded with on Match.com literally. <mind reading> I think to some degree she was scared of her situation financially for her and the kids as she moved out, and latched onto him for security. In speaking with some of her family through this they have mentioned she has always been the "material girl" and are not so much surprised by the situation.

Your nice guy synopsis is spot on for me too and I though the same way. I always considered it "ours", but in the back of my mind I knew I was contributing 80% with no support from elsewhere for the stepkids. This caused me to harbor resentment and exacerbated my "male privalege" making me think I was entitled to come and go as I please and say whatever I felt without consequence. All of these thoughts and actions were very much wrong. I have always been a fixer too, first wife, other relationships, and especially this one. I fixed her bankruptcy but certainly had/have no chance of fixing her.

Control has been issue for me and still is, I am still working on this. She is still driving a car that I bought at Christmas. When I confirmed OM for certain on Sunday I thought of issuing an "either buy the car or let me know when I can pick it up" type of notice, but have thought better of it. If I hadn't confirmed OM I wouldn't have considered this. I was considering it out of spite and hurt and an attempt to control her in a way.

My sobriety has helped me personally a lot, as per conversations I've had with her she still doesn't buy it, since I don't see her there is no way to prove this to her.

You're right on the verbal abuse. I said some very mean things and some meaner things I'm sure that I don't remember saying in a drunken stupor. In one of her chats with the OM early on she mentioned "someone can only hurt her so many times then the wall goes up permanently". Unfortunately that's where I am with her and I doubt the wall will ever come down.

Our last negative conversation as I recall was in March when she mentioned the OM. Since then I have been showing nothing but unconditional love. I've been contributing to the 529k's I set up for my 3 stepkids. I sent flowers and was willing to do whatever to support her while her sister was in the hospital. Sent flowers and supported her when she said she'd had a hysterectomy. Offered to do things for her. Been giving her the space she wanted. Given she doesn't want to see me and we don't have kids together, there is really no catalyst for us to see each other. I would do other things but they would seem persuing so I don't do them.

As much as I love her Denver I feel that I am running out of gas. I have done everything within my power and tried harder to work this out than anything in my entire life, only to find out she is still with the original OM. It would be easier if she was with someone else honestly. I was babysitting my stepchildren the day that I busted her red handed. One day I have custody of her three children, the next day she filed a restraining order on me because she was fearful of me after I busted her affair. I said nothing mean to her all had nothing but forgiveness and wanted to work on things immediately. She said she wanted to kill me because the OM dumped her that night when I confronted him. The past year without question has been the hardest of my life.

I think you've convinced me to give it some more time. I know she is with OM so I am not going to deal with her at all unless she approaches me. I am going to hang out with my SS on Monday and am looking forward to that, but that has nothing to do with her. I will be LRT'ing and handle any comms from her in a short business manner as you suggested. Hell maybe she'll serve me on the 27th who knows.

Her birthday is 8/14. I should absolutely do nothing for this right? Of course my idea was to send her a card with notification of retrouville session in early September or a coupon for the "husband of her dreams" lol Cheesy and worthy of about 50 2x4's right?

I'm just going to chill and see what develops and reevaluate my feelings as time progresses. I've never made it more than 2 weeks with no contact so will be interesting to see what happens.

Thanks a million for your thoughtful feedback Denver. I am so happy and envious of your outcome. You have given me a new lease on life and hope for a sitch such as mine. You're .02 is worth more than it's weight in gold and I can't express how much I appreciate. Enjoy the spoils of your hard work for my friend, I am pulling for you in your quest for lifelong happiness with your W.

Thanks again and good luck to all in your respective sitch's!