TIME for a change

[Denver_2010]

I read your initial post here on DB and have skimmed some of your recent updates. Here are some thoughts and questions for you.

First, what do you want here? I mean what do you really want? Divorce, reconcile your M, find someone else to replace your W, closure? What??

You said that your last physical contact with your W was in Feb. Would you mind describing some of your non physical recent contact again? I know that you have probably posted it back a ways, but I just want a synopsis.

It sounds like your W still has OM. Is this the same OM that you busted her with at the very beginning of all of this? A doctor right? I'm just trying to clarify that this has been a long term thing for her rather than her playing the field. Big difference IMO. The emotional bond, which would be evidenced by a longer term A, is more difficult to break and overcome than the situation where a W is just seeing what else is out there.

A couple of thoughts on some things that I read that you have posted.

You said that you are no longer going to be the 'nice guy' in R's going forward. I get that. I was that too with my W and my SS. Provided nice things for them that they could have never had without me. But I wouldn't say that my mistake was being a 'nice guy'. I'd say that my issue was that I was a 'fixer'... you actually admitted early in your threads that you were the 'white knight'. That was me too. NOT doing that does not mean that you can't be a nice guy. IMO there is a difference between looking at someone and saying to yourself, even subconsciously, that you are going to fix their life, and the situation where you have an evenly weighted R with you W and provide for her, and your family, as any H should. My mistake was looking at things like 'this is mine' and 'this is yours'... I will use what is mine to help you, or fix you. As opposed to, 'this is ours'... in which case, you make decisions, financial or otherwise, together, with each of you having an even amount of say in the matter. See the difference? Hard to explain. Bottom line though, is that your goal should be to lose the 'fixer' mentality. It creates a situation where one party becomes almost like a parental figure rather than a spouse. JMO from my experience.

I see some definite control issues with you. Maybe that has been addressed here... probably has at nauseum. I still see that issue in you just with the little bit that I read. I don't mean that as a 2x4 over your head though. I struggled with it even after I realized it was an issue, still do. But you have to realize that any time that you do something with the intent to influence what your W does, that you are being controlling... at least to some degree. It is a very difficult issue to really cure yourself of. A friend of mine here on this board once told me that when his wife would cook, he would go over to the pan of food, taste it, and then add a little spice or salt to it. What he realized was that even that little action was controlling behavior. He didn't just let his W cook him a meal, he had to influence what she was doing. Hell, if he wanted more spice in the food, he should have cooked it himself! LOL Anyway, hopefully you get my point. And hopefully you have really looked at this issue so that you don't repeat it in the future with your W or someone new.

You recognized that you had a problem with alcohol. I'm glad. Sounds like you have addressed this. Kudos. But make sure that you stay on top of this.

The verbal abuse that you inflicted on your W, I'm sure, caused her a lot of emotional pain. You have to realize that this does not go away overnight... or, in cases such as your's and mine, maybe not even in months. Your W talked to you about 'walls' being up between you and her heart. My W talked of those same 'walls' for months and months. It may be that she will never take down that wall, or forgive you for the hurt that you have caused her. What I can tell you is that your only hope is long term, consistent, loving behavior by you to and for her. Unconditional love is hard to turn away from. Read some of my threads, and you will see me either quoting Truegritter, or you will see Truegritter posting to me, on the topic of unconditional love. That is a concept that I learned a lot about during the past 18 months. It is not easy. Especially when there is an OM. And I do believe that we reach a point where we do have to love ourselves, protect ourselves. For about 99% of my situation, I treated my W with nothing but love no matter how hurtful she was being or how crappy the situation was. I was consistent, and it was for a very long period of time. I did have boundaries that I did my best to enforce. I was good at that at times, and horrible at it others. For me, my boundary was that I would treat her with love and respect, that I would give her the time that she needed to figure things out, that I would be patient. But that I would not be a part of her life if there was an OM. That meant that we had periods where I just wouldn't be involved in her life. I wouldn't contact her, and when she contacted me, I was short and business like.

But my boundary was not that if you have an OM I will file for D. It was only when I was completely out of emotional fuel to keep going... When I could no longer get up in the morning and say to myself 'today is not the day that I give up', that I decided that I was ready to file and accept the outcome either way.

Only you can decide whether or not you have shown her the best of you, consistently and for a long enough period of time, to give yourself a chance with her. Only you can decide whether or not you have any more emotional fuel to keep going. No one can answer those questions for you.

What I can tell you, is what my good friend 2stepboogie told me about D, it will not bring you closure. One day you will be still be married and the next you will not. That will be the only difference. What is in your heart will not change with that piece of paper.

And, it will not work as a tactic. Only if you truly mean it and only if your W has seen the new you consistently and for a long period of time, does it have any chance of making a difference. Otherwise, you file, and you will be divorced.

Sooo... there is my 2 cents. for what it is worth.

Denver