Wife back in home, things better than ever!

[Denver_2010]

DENVER,

my "fav co counsel" and uber articulate friend, I'm SO pleased you have reconciled AND posted to us!

You are right, the hard part is coming now. IT's sometimes plodding.

PLEASE see about attending Retrovaille. True, I am a believer, but you would not have to be, to get a lot out of their program. (Some folks fear that it's too religious but I did not get that at all. YES- they do discuss forming a spiritual connection but that doesn't seem as if it would bother you).

Retrovaille is so very good for Piecing b/c you DO need some new tools for a new stage and to keep on choosing forgiveness.

and b/c life throws curve balls at us a lot and keeps on doing that. (We were barely into piecing when my MIL got a terminal diagnosis)

I think it's a well timed experience if you can get to one soon. Like in the next few months. Their follow up program is excellent as well.

I am just glad you started a new thread. I was a little concerned I might have to pay out the bet that the last one wasn't going to be the last one...

Sounds good for you, Denver. Your summary sounded a bit compressed and maybe given the time line your sitch has been, it is a bit fast.

I hope that neither of you will miss any of the work that you both have to do... together... to piece and make this, round two, the M that you both want and deserve.

Cheers!

I too got a "compressed" sense but I don't want to negate the process you have been through.

When I think of 9lives, and the discussions we all were having last year, (God, was it last year or the year before??)

I can see what a long road it has been for you.

But build on this...and let it build so that a "big fight" does not end all this work.

Go get the tools my friend. Don't you both deserve it?

Oh, and how is SS handling all this?

-----I'm so very glad you posted....

(((( ))))

Thanks 25! And thanks to everyone for the congratulations!

25 and KD - Yeah, the process over the past couple of months has been very compressed. I ask for D in early May and she is moving back home in the middle of June! It's crazy!

I was very hesitant about the idea of reconciliation at all at first, and definitely about W moving back into the home when she first brought it up. But it is hard to explain the complete 180 turnaround that she has demonstrated. I guess she has just convinced me that she is in this for real and for the long term. I just decided that if we were going to do it, that we should just go full steam ahead.... as long as she was SURE that it was what she wanted. So far so good. Like I said, I don't see any hesitation on her part whatsoever. I don't quite understand how or why she turned so drastically and so abruptly, but it seems to be legit. I think that this is one case where the 'last, last resort technique' seems to have worked.

And also, as 25 pointed out, I think that the past 2 months have to be taken in context with the entirety of what W and I have gone through over the past 18+ months. As many of you have pointed out, we have been through A LOT. And we really have been working towards getting to the point of piecing since February of 2011... albeit with some pretty serious setbacks along the way.

W and I have spent a lot of time in the past several weeks talking about what we have gone through, how we have grown, and how our R seems to be much more even between us, neither of us seemingly having the upper hand so to speak, as things always were in the past. We have discussed that how all of this has been a process that we had to go through in order to be where we are now. Even the really bad stuff.

We have talked about how we want to provide SS with a stable family situation for his last 5 years in our home (hopefully LOL) because we haven't provided that to him in the past. And, btw, he is handling it fairly well 25. Thanks for asking. He does have some concerns bc he is seeing that W and I are placing more rules on him than he has had in the past 18 months. She and I both feel that he has gotten a bit out of control and needs to be reigned in a bit. We are being careful and slow about it though bc we don't want him blaming me, or blaming W for coming back to me, for his new found restrictions.

Nonetheless, if this experience has taught me nothing else, and it has taught me tons, it has taught me that life can change on a dime. One minute you have everything that a person could ever want, and the next you are left broken on the floor having lost everything.

By far, my biggest concern is becoming complacent and/or forgetting the things that I've learned. I try to remind myself every day of the things that I need to do so as to not repeat the mistakes of the past.

I do sometimes struggle with my own anger over some of the choices that she made during our S. I'd be lying if I said that I didn't. Most of the time though, I am able to easily redirect by reminding myself that this experience has made us stronger and smarter. And that it took everything that has happened, everything, to allow for us to each grow as people and realize what we REALLY want for our lives.

25 - Retrovaille is something that I've considered, but W is not too interested in it. We attended another religious based M retreat back in March. It is called "A weekend to Remember" and put on by an organization called Family Life (if I remember correctly). Even though W was not fully committed at the time, it was a fantastic experience. W told me that she would like for us to attend that again in the very near future.

For those of you who look at this as a success story, well, I guess that it is... at least for now. But I know now that a happy M is something that is never just accomplished... it is something that must always be attended to and worked on.

I'd also say that while mine seems to be a success, I have seen many of my peers' (the BITS) M's fall as I have been going through this process. While I am a big proponent of never giving up, and a big proponent of maintaining a belief that you can succeed here, I do know that the odds are against it. So take what you can from my story, as well as all of the other good ones, but remember that each situation is different, and that nothing ever goes exactly according to the plan that we have when we first come here. That is my experience and my advice anyway.

Denver

[Breakdown]

Congrats! Keep working it!

[bustingout]

Congratulations Denevr!

[JustStunned]

Denver, Outstanding!! Congratulations!

I do not envy the work ahead. No one ever drowned from sweat, but you know that already. Keep moving forward toward your goal.

Do you smell smoke?

[Denver_2010]

smoke?

[BklynMom]

Hip Hip Hooray!!!

Great news!!!

[Broken74]

Hi Denver, wow man Congratulations... I haven't shed a tear in a while but reading your update made me do it. I am on the same path, my W is with OM and we aren't really communicating at all. Filing the papers I feel is the last play I have. It really helped me to see another case of the LBS filing the paperwork to shake them lose. Thank you so much for posting this, you have made my week. I will be following in your footsteps praying for the same results.

[Denver_2010]

Broken74 - I will try to take a look at your sitch this evening. I don't know how long you have been doing this, but I would not suggest filing, or threatening to file, until you have exhausted all other options and efforts. My choice truly was the last, last resort... and I was at a place emotionally where I felt that I could accept either outcome. Just something to keep in mind.

Denver

[zig]

congratulations to you and your wife and son, Denver.

i wish you and your family many many happy years together

zig

[Denver_2010]

Thanks Zig!