Need help with detaching and hoping to reconcile.

[lillystillinlove]

Copy and Paste from the newbees and vet "bootcamp" thread. Created new topic per advice from LABUG.

I'm new to posting at this site but have done a lot of reading on various techniques to save a marriage but this one, by far, seem to be the best option for my situation.

I've read DR and I've been working my way through this message board and have gathered a lot of good information. I have done a lot of the self work stuff prior to finding the book. But, I'm having trouble with interaction with my H in stressful situations, it's really hard for me to contain myself, my anger and disappointment. I am losing ground with my H toward reconciliation and now we are at the point of him moving out at the end of the month. He needs space and time (found out move date 7/9/12)

Here are some basics Me:43, H:49, S:6, T:17 M:16, Bomb:1/27/12 a little more than an EA, pretty confident she is out of the picture but...

He's moving out the end of 7/12, not yet asking for a D but I suspect it's coming, he's been walking me down this path very slowly.

Adding to info as of 7/12/12

I didn't respond to the email about the place he wants to rent, too hard. Going to couples session today where I intend to focus on logistics and other stuff. He seem calmer knowing he leaving home in a few weeks. I'm having a hard time with reactions to difficult situations. When I saw him after the email Monday I had a hard time containing my emotions, I could only say I have to leave for a while I'm not sure when I'll be back. Since then I've been able to maintain composure in his presence.

How should I handle providing my "story", it's pretty lengthy and I'm not sure if it would get rejected.

Hoping for help
Thank you
Lillystillinlove

[lillystillinlove]

Well the session was a little rough, when we got down talking logistics of H moving out he got very defensive. The Dr was able to cool his jets a bit but he took my questions as an attack. Basically he's gotten to the point of moving out but hadn't thought about how it was going to work. He doesn't want our son to know what's going on but he wants to be able to take our so to his place overnight and slowly increase the time spent there. The cover story will be it's a new property that he is remodeling and that they will start off by "camping out" over there and make it a slow transition for our sons sake (ya right). On to the next subject, I bring up that I'm concerned that his place will become the fun zone and our home with me will be the gulag. After some back and forth he seemed to become incredulous and asked do you really think I would do that to you? I didn't want to say what popped in my head so I said I wanted to talk with the Doc there because I didn't want it to escalate because I knew it would. He prodded me to say what I was thinking so after even more prodding I said I don't know what you would do because you have done a lot of things recently that I never thought you would do. That's where the session ended. I am on the hook to email him my question so he can think about them and we can discuss them. He is on the hook to give them some thought and not be defensive, to approach them at face value not as an attack.

So to boil this down a little, I when to a place I didn't want to go to and reacted poorly. Certainly not in a detached manner. Anyone have some advice???

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board.

I would start out with POSTing your story here, that way you get it all out of you.

Do not tell it to you H as that will only add more pressure to the sich.
Let us be your sounding board, not him.

Get out and GAL.
DETACH.
Believe none of what he says and half of what he does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your H is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

[labug]

It won't get rejected, but when you post please break it up into paragraphs like you did in the first post. So much easier to read.

[lillystillinlove]

My Story

Here we go...

It begins around the time of the birth of my son, 2005-early 2006, I think I was battling post partum depression but I think I recall starting to come out of it, I was keenly aware of all the changes my pregnancy had put my body through but again I recall feeling as though things were getting better, about 6 months after that my bad knee finally gave out so surgery was required, as a result (mistake) I was paralyzed from the knee down from nerve damage, back down into depression I go. Physical therapy etc... helped but I’m still not at 100% (back pain and neuropathy in my foot). Within the next 6 months after that I elected to have a hormone based IUD, hoping against hope the ability to be spontaneous would help our sex life. I recall with a Technicolor memory the medical assistant taking my vitals asking if I could be pregnant and I broke down crying saying you have to have sex to get pregnant and we are not having sex. Yes still in a depression and now I have a hormone based IUD. Since that time our sex life never improved and I knew it was me, absolutely zero libido. After therapy and many Dr.s visits, yes I was still suffering from depression but every other thing check was normal for me, I developed HBP as a result of my pregnancy (my assumption without being corrected by Drs and hypothyroidism, well managed). The only abnormality found was low vitamin D. Status Quo very little sex and at a loss as to what to do. So now I’m on meds for HBP, thyroid, hormone based BC and depression. My husband expressed the pain our lack of intimacy caused (not just the physical part either) but I was stuck, depressed, lazy, stressed, fat, almost house bound, not being the best mother and certainly not being the best wife I could be. I continued to go to drs, came off depressions med to see if that would help all without success. We still talked kissed hello and goodbye, said I love you several times daily. As he pulled further and further away and harder to reach out to. Years tick by and circumstances become excuses...

I felt every time I thought I might initiate sex he sensed it and complained, no confirmation on that just my perception. I never said anything.

August 2010 he has his gall bladder. Needed recovery time, convenient excuse.

January 2011 He blew out his knee skiing... H says things really took a turn for him around this time, he mentioned MLC when I initially found out a year later but it hasn't come up again.

April-May 2011 my birth control is due to be replaced. Scheduled for June. Cancelled due to my grandmother passing. Rescheduled for October 2011

June 2011, my grandmother passes away. The last few months of 2011 I noticed a definite change in attitude from my husband. October 2011 he comes to me and says you need to get out of the house do something go to the park with our son, staying inside the way that you do is not healthy (FYI, I telecommute and I know).

October 2011 replace birth control.

November 2011 he goes to his HS reunion alone.

December 2011 H somehow works some magic and “I” decide that, yes it’s a great idea if we spend the holiday season with our great/wonderful friends that live an hour north of us, our son loves to be around their 2 daughters, we all always have a great time together. While there H and I had a huge fight, I (well all the adults) had been drinking. I don’t recall a lot of what I said, I understand it was vicious, I do remember saying to my husband I miss you and I want you back in my life which I repeated the next morning. We had tense words and although I wanted to leave I was convinced that for the sake of our son’s happiness we should stay and we did. During the next week I became more aware of the “crush” he had developed on our mutual friend over the past few months, yes the wife in the family we were visiting. I was not concerned because I KNEW he wouldn’t act on it and if he did, I KNEW my friend, one of my closest friends, would shut him down. Somehow it was agreed that they should come to our place and stay for the week of New Years. New Years Eve, the last night I received a true heartfelt kiss and I believed the “I love you" he said to me.

January 2012, 2nd Grandmother passes away. We fought about our situation, I asked if we could meet with someone to help us, all he could say was, I already have an appointment with a psychiatrist, I want to talk to him first. We surprise his parents with a quick visit to see them, his father’s 75 birthday, it was noted by them we were having problems, he spent a lot of time on the phone in the basement of his parents home. Naively I assumed it was business.

January 26 2012, I meet with my therapist, new one, for the first time, explain what is going on, mentioned the crush.

January 27 2012, He meets with his Psychiatrist and then lets me in on the information he’s been holding back from me. This would be the Bomb. Because now had more confidence that he wasn’t the bad guy, basically the Doc said I would have left her a long time ago. My closest friend and my husband were having an emotional affair, well on their way to having a physical affair, by all accounts there wasn’t any sex but is was heading that way, that is the extent of my knowledge on the situation. Now my brain starts to understand the drastic change over the past 6 months or so and my heart is broken beyond repair. I have never experienced a pain and feeling like that. I couldn't stop crying, there was a lump in my throat and pressure on chest for months.

This had been going on since Aug/Sept time frame, all the decisions to go visit them or spend time with them had to be mine, the sudden withdrawal from the status quo and hiding in the basement while we were at his parents to speak on the phone for long periods of time to the OW. The full on bitterness from him… Why tell me now you ask, her husband found out and confronted mine, said if my H didn’t tell me he would.

I’m reeling, suffocating, shattered, devastated. Begging to try again, I know what I’ve done, I’m sorry for my part. I asked if he loved me, he said “I love you as the mother of my son, but I don’t have love for you in any other way”

I’m angry, how could H do this, how could she do this at all, how could H do this to her husband, his good friend. What the hell were they thinking? Did you ever stop to consider our mutual children, even just once say we can’t do this, we have to fix our individual marriages because our children and our families are more important? Did you ever stop to consider the spouses, our children, the lives we had created? We were all friends, very good friends, people we had known for years, we watched their children grow up, and we even agreed that if we or they were “gone” we would care for the other’s children and intended to set that up legally. What about all the other people this hurts, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???

So, it’s over or so they say. February 2012, now we are in couples counseling and I am in individual counseling it took him a long time to find an IC, my suspicion is that he felt he didn’t need it but had to make sure he checked all the boxes before he left, to assuage any guilt Then a cell phone number is found, I call, the phone is only for my H to call, the message says “Hello to the most devastatingly handsome, perfect fit for me, light of my heart, love of my life, sorry I can’t take your call, really, really sorry. Please leave your messages of your love and devotion, I love you”

Yep… I started investigating and informed her husband of my findings. They both say they haven’t been in contact since but how can I trust what either of them says, well he figured out what I was doing and locked me out of everything, it’s still that way.

I know all of my actions to date have been pushing him further and further away, I’ve read so many books and articles I’m cross-eyed. I came across Divorce Remedy and this site. I've read Divorce Remedy cover to cover and like what it says but I need help putting things into practice, especially when it comes to interacting with my H. A lot of the self improvement work is well underway. I’m on medication for depression again and this time it’s helping (highest allowable dosage, it better help), I’ve lost 45lbs (stress and meds), started exercising (had to stop due to shin splints but will be starting again soon), reconnect with an old friend, became better friends with a few others, started an art class (really enjoying that), much better mother, I no longer speak to the OW’s H, stopped snooping, organized, not really lazy anymore (I am every once in a while, can’t give that up completely), the house hold is better cared for, I also found a Dr that believed that my issues were real and is treating them so I feel better physically, discovered the damage and side effects my IUD caused. June 2012 had birth control removed, which is helping a lot, oh and the libido is coming back, not that it does me any good now. H has noticed all the changes I’ve made and is angry about it because it had to come to this for me to change, too little too late, from his perspective he sees what I’ve done for myself and seen how quickly it happened and is confused/disappointed that if it was so easy why now and not before. I can’t win at this point.

Recent days, 2 weeks ago he wanted to talk about the possibility of him moving out so he could have time and space to think. Anxiety attack right in session, last week on the fourth of July we had people over. They leave and we go off to sleep… separately (did I mention that, ya he’s on the couch by his own choice, and will not touch me.) I came by later, after he was asleep, to get water, stepped on a phone, picked it up and take it upstairs to check it out, extremely suspicious, the area code and exchange are for the location she OW lives in, I call, right to voice mail with the generic (electronic) greeting. Text that say ilyg (I love you G) the OW pet name for my H is G, at least that is my suspicion because she called him that in my presence a lot, and a picture text of a fortune in a cookie it said “Patience will bring you what you desire.” I confronted, I yelled (vicious again), he said it’s not his but he doesn’t know how to prove it, he understands why I’m so mad, says he would be too, said in the reverse situation he would feel the same but probably act worse. I destroyed the phone. We already had a session scheduled for Thursday the 5th so we discussed the phone and petty annoyances. No further discussion on moving out. He almost left that night but his devotion to our son is strong, he couldn’t talk himself into it.

Monday 7/9, I receive an email regarding an apartment he wants to take at the end of the month. He says our son will like it because of all the amenities, he hopes I understand he needs time and space. I burst into tears upon actually seeing him, I left to clear my head; I just couldn’t deal with another blow.

The 2 previous posts will bring you up to date as of 7/9/12.

Sorry for the length

When do I stop crying? How do I not cry in front of him? How do I keep a calm pleasant demeanor? How do I be a friend to him? Please help me…

I know there is a lot to take in. If you have questions please ask.

Thank you.

[lillystillinlove]

I feel like I had a small victory yesterday. H was angry because I forgot to tell him about an event with our son sooner than the day of. He felt that I was being vindictive because of my concerns with our pending separation and the fun parent/warden parent potential. By the time we were actually able to discuss it I had my wits about me. I explained that I understood how he would feel that way and I'm sorry that it happened but that it wasn't intentional I've just had a lot on my mind (duh) and I wasn't trying to undermined his relationship with our son. He calmed down pretty quickly because I didn't take a defensive position and wouldn't get drawn into a fight. That felt really good. Now I just need to remember to do that...

[lillystillinlove]

Still waiting to have other posts posted but I thought I'd update. I think I mentioned I have questions for H on how his move out would be handled. I finally provided him with those questions and a few nuggets. His apartment is available on the 26ht of this month, so 10 whole days... Not the happiest camper but what can I do. When I hear back from the questions I'll post the Q&A and get feed back.

In the mean time. Can someone give me the scoop on Retrouvaille, I've come across it a couple of times on this site so I started researching. It sounds like it could be beneficial if he agrees to go. There is a weekend here in September but not one again until the new year. I'm thinking sooner that later is best...

Thoughts anyone?

[lillystillinlove]

Patiently waiting for posts to go up so I thought I'd write. I'm just stewing about the what ifs and convincing myself that H moving out is just the next slow step on the path to D. I think he wants to see how our son does and if H can live with those consequences he's gone. I guess this could be considered mind reading but it's hard not to do. I'm not sure if I mentioned this but I am in contact with the OW's H or he's in contact with me. The OW is moving out too, she's signed a year lease but won't tell her H where. I'm not too concerned about physical contact, she lives over an hour away but contact by phone or email is harder to put aside. I know I can do nothing about it but it pisses me off to no end that they could be continuing some kind of relationship.
I've drafted an email to her giving her my 2 cents focusing mostly on my son and her daughters and how could she continue any contact knowing the damage they are doing and letting her know that I am still grasping for reasons for why she CHOSE to do this to me, her close (to the point we called each other family) friend. I personally couldn't fathom doing that to anyone much less a friend, throw children into the mix it would be impossible. All this brings me right back to my H, asking the same questions. Who is this person, take me out of the equation and how could he do that to our son, those girls and his very good friend, her H. I sit in wonder sometime trying to reconcile it and it seems impossible.

I spoke with my counselor yesterday and it was a good session, I felt strong after leaving. She's very encouraging and seems to follow a lot of what is spoken about here. No guarantees, stay calm and collected in your interactions with H, give him the space he's looking for right now. Be clear about expectations when it comes to our son, just the facts, nothing more. All advances should come from his side. I doubt I'll see any but I have my fingers crossed.

I think H is finally understanding why I was preferring to email, for me I'm able to say what I think I need to say, I don't get interrupted or thrown off point, I can take my time and adjust my language... Except for when we are at our joint session we have only talked about his move via email. He actually expressed that he understands. He may be softening a little, he actually asked me to join them (H & S) at the movies and even thought I instantly thought that he only asked because I wasn't ready and couldn't get ready in time to join them, I kept my cool and said thanks but I think I'll stay home. I learned a lesson though, always be ready JIC I may want to go, if he asks again!! Take that! So I'll stop my rambling now, can't wait for the feedback.

[dbmod]

^

[lillystillinlove]

Hi all, looks like almost all of my posts came through. The one that provided a detailed account of my situation did not. I'll see if I can give the Cliff notes version and let you ask if more information if needed.

6.5 years ago our son was born, around that time I became depressed and due to a variety of reasons it remained that way until recently. During this time my sex drive was very low. This led to my H becoming angry because of the way the lack of intimacy and affection made him feel about himself. This resulted in an EA with some physical affection with a very close family friend. We are coming up on the 6 month mark of my finding out. The EA etc... started about 10 months ago and ended 6 months ago. H is still very angry, he moves out on the 26th of July to see if the distance can help him reduce that anger and provide us the opportunity to repair our marriage.

I love my husband and I want this marriage to work. For a long time after I found out I smothered him with doing too much (begging, pleading, yelling, all of that crap). I've pulled back considerably and he does seem calmer.

We are both still angry. My biggest problem right now it reactions, I have a hard time containing myself in the heat of the moment. This is something I never really had an issue with but under the stress of our current situations a few things have changed. H is at a loss in how to deal with me when that happens because it's nothing he (or I) have ever really experience from me. I think if I can get that under control we can have more constructive conversations.

We each have an IC and we go to MC. I don't know how successful the MC is but it is the only place we talk about our relationship so I'm reluctant to give it up.

My IC was very good at getting me GALing and trying to detach prior to my finding DR and this site, so I'm doing ok in that area. The ironic thing here is that he is angry about the turn-around I've made. It's been pretty drastic. His problem is that, to him, is seems like it happened so easily. He wonders why this couldn't happen years ago.

The rest of the posts will bring you up to date.

If anyone can help me work through this it would be greatly appreciated.

dbmod - thanks for getting the posts out there. Sorry for the length of the "my story" post. This one is significantly shorter.

Thank you