RoughEnough, what you wrote in 467 above is great, that's what I meant.
WRT your feelings that it's not fair if she only loves you if you make enough money, that is not really what's going on.
Her love for you is not conditional, but her happiness is. She will love you unconditionally, but she won't feel safe, loved, and therefore happy unless you make enough money that she doesn't have to worry.
Remember too that you can make more, spend less, or some combination of the two. This isn't about her not loving you, it's about her not suffering
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Ok, I think I got it. Maybe start it something like this:
You’ve mentioned the communication has been minimal. I am happy to talk to you. It’s difficult for me to know where to start sharing my feelings. Do you have any suggestions on how the both of us might get that conversation to work more easily? I understand the problem too and I want to know what you can suggest to make it better?
However I also really like your points in post #2263466. Since I should give her just a little bit at a time maybe some of that can be incorporated down the road?
I definitely think you should take the financial comments head-on. I would merge 2263466 and end with 467, in your own words. Why don't you draft the whole thing and post it and maybe you can get some other opinions. I definitely wouldn't respond and not acknowledge what she said about finances.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Ok, I know there’s plagiarism involved however this is important correspondence, it’s how I feel and it’s what I would like to convey! Before I respond I would value additional editing, changes, etc… I don’t want to wordsmith it to death but sometimes minor changes can make a difference.
Thanks for your note.
From a financial standpoint I think it’s important for me to take the room fairly quick. I will be able to visit our dog regularly regardless of where he goes. I will be just fine and my end goal is to eventually have a place that will accommodate the dog.
I understand and appreciate that financial security is very important to you. I know that our financial problems made you feel unsafe in our marriage and I am sorry for that. It wasn't a comfortable place for me either, and I don't think I could return to our former situation.
In terms of what I'm thinking about us, I want my family and my wife to be together, I want an intact family for our kids. I understand that we cannot go back to how we were living and I appreciate that. I am making it my highest priority to turn around our financial situation, and I am committed to doing what it takes. I realize that talk is cheap, and that our financials can't be turned around overnight. I had some growing up to do in this regard, and I'm sorry things had to get this bad to make me see it.
You’ve mentioned the communication has been minimal. It’s difficult for me to know where to start sharing my feelings. Do you have any suggestions on how the both of us might get that conversation to work more easily? I understand the problem too and I want to know what you can suggest to make it better?
In any case, I would be happy to talk to you any time. If you want to call and talk about how you're feeling, or talk about what I'm thinking, I would welcome that. If you don't feel you're getting what you need in those conversations, let me know and we'll figure out how to make that better.
I think she's made it clear she does not want the responsibility of the dog. I think it would lead to resentment if she has to take care of it. How about foster care until you can have him?
Otherwise, I think your reply is great.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
Thanks for the feedback unbidden and scaredsilly. Believe me, I don’t want to leave the dog and hopefully it won’t be long term. I MIGHT have a family member that he could live with for a while. Unfortunately some tough sacrifices have to be made and if it’s in an effort to save my family, I am going to make them.
I recently made one decision W didn’t initially agree with. W just wanted to “wait”. If I took her advice it would have prevented me from paying her the money I owe her every month and it would have ended up being disastrous. Some of these things are judgment calls that I just have to make.
I actually am listening. On the surface it might not seem like it however a lot of the stuff I am working on is counterintuitive. I am working towards IMPROVING things financially. The utilities alone in my current house are absolutely ridiculous. Can you image how crappy I would feel and how furious W would be if she dropped off the kids and I no longer had running water.
W says “no rush” on multiple issues. I think it’s human nature for most people to avoid making the tough decisions. In other words they think not making a decision is easier. The fact is, sometimes making these tough decisions is what’s needed.
