You are ABSOULUTLY RIGHT!!!!!! The following email I will post is a spot on testament to your recent comments. I must come to terms with it. I think you understand what I am alluding to, why am I married to a women when my perception is that she only wants me if I make enough money. The principle behind it makes me feel like crap.
If I have a chance to save our marriage, I MUST GET OVER IT, I MUST COME TO TERMS WITH IT .I must except it with a positive attitude and hold no resentment.
You convey your messages in such a clear way. I want you to know that you are helping me TREMENDOULSY. It’s so valuable because it’s helping me come to terms with it and excepting it. Thank you so much for taking this journey with me my friend, I can’t express how much it means to me.
To your point. Please take a look at the email I just received from W. I really need to absorb it.
Hi - I hope you are having fun with the kids... This is so hard! I want you to know that I don't think you need to leave the house immediately, unless something is happening that I don't know about. I guess I don't completely understand why you wouldn't look for an apartment and keep the dog with you? Many, many apartments take dogs. It is easy for me to forget about him, with everything on my plate, but I would hate to see you two separated. Or even, like you mentioned before, rent a basement from someone or a shared place that would take the dog?
I don't want you to be miserable- I don't want that for any of us!!! Our kids deserve the very best parents that we can give them. I just know that unless you can be the family's financial rock and backbone every day, week, month and year from now until forever, that I can't return to what we had. And I don't even know what you are thinking about us?
Don't rush to leave the house, unless you have to, find a place for you and the dog... and the kids.
My thoughts-
From a financial point of view, I think it’s important for me to move out of the house. The reason I am considering renting the room is to help gain financial traction.
Would you consider the email I just received positive? I don’t know what to make of this? I don’t know how to handle it. It could be right in front of me and I might not see it. This is the type of communication I haven’t seen since we separated!
Ok, I don’t have my DB book. I believe there’s some useful questions that MWD suggests. I am wondering if I am jumping the gun or is the timing good to be asking these questions?
If anyone doesn’t mind, please rephrase these questions if there out of text. I want to make sure they are appropriately articulated to W.
The questions go something like this.
What would I be doing differently for you to clearly understand that I am the consistent financial rock?
What would you be seeing from me to know these changes are occurring?
Once again, I don’t think I have these questions quite right and it might be premature to ask, just not sure.
Are you kidding me? That was an awesome, positive e-mail. She told you that she cares about you, has been thinking about you, wants to know what you're thinking, and told you EXACTLY what she needs, she teed it up for you on a silver platter.
Your DB'ing is working! Keep doing what you're doing -- I would say that your behavior at the counseling session was probably just what it needed to be.
I would say something like this:
"Thanks for your note. I understand and appreciate that financial security is very important to you -- I know that our financial problems made you feel unsafe in our marriage and I am sorry for that. It wasn't a comfortable place for me either, and I don't think I could return to our former situation.
In terms of what I'm thinking about us -- I want my family and my wife to be together, I want an intact family for our kids. I understand that we cannot go back to how we were living and I appreciate that. I am making it my highest priority to turn around our financial situation, and I am committed to doing what it takes. I realize that talk is cheap, and that our financials can't be turned around overnight. I had some growing up to do in this regard, and I'm sorry things had to get this bad to make me see it.
In any case, I would be happy to talk to you any time. If you want to call and talk about how you're feeling, or talk about what I'm thinking, I would welcome that. If you don't feel you're getting what you need in those conversations, let me know and we'll figure out how to make that better.
RoughEnough"
Take that with a grain of salt -- I get my DB buddies to help me edit my e-mails and their usual response is "don't send that!" so maybe you should get some other opinions.
In general I would:
1) validate her concerns about financial security 2) reinforce that you want to reconcile your marriage 3) reinforce that you want a new marriage, not your old one back 4) tell her that you know what you need to do
I would avoid:
1) asking her for anything 2) talking about your feelings 3) getting into any detail about your 180's 4) getting into any detail about changes you've already made -- let them accumulate and let her "discover them"
Remember, no need to respond immediately. She's thinking about you while she waits for your response -- that's a good thing. If you think your response is going to be good, let some anticipation build, but don't torture her with a long delay, play it right!
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
I know I am all over the place today. I just need to take a deep breath and relax. I just felt the email from W was a glimmer of hope and I can’t be thinking that way! I don’t want to get disappointed. Once again, I hope for the best but I have no expectations.
I might communicate with my W via email. That way I can make sure things are well articulated. In my previous post I make some suggestions on questions I should ask W however I also want to incorporate Accurays questions. Maybe ask W the following.
“You’ve mentioned the communication has been minimal. I am happy to talk to you. It’s difficult for me to know where to start sharing my feelings. Do you have any suggestions on how the both of us might get that conversation to work more easily? I understand the problem too and I want to know what you can suggest to make it better?
(And then I need to make sure not to offer suggestions)
FYI, a WAS who is gone does not say this "And I don't even know what you are thinking about us?"
They don't care what you're thinking about "us", they just want you to accept that they are gone.
Your W really WANTS to come back, but is SCARED that your financial situation will never improve. She is protecting herself by distancing, because she's tired of feeling unsafe.
Forget those questions you teed up above -- you know the answer:
When you are out of debt completely, able to live on a given budget, aren't victim to compensation that rises and falls every month, aren't in danger of losing your house, are able to put together a reasonable college savings plan, and are living within your means, you become "safe". You need to be the master of bills, budgets, savings, etc.
Get a financial advisor or accountant to help, and apply yourself to figuring out how to make this work. W just cracked the door open for you, don't kick it open the rest of the way and sweep her away -- give her a little bit, make her want more.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
NP, I'm not saying any of this is easy, and I'm not saying "shame on you" for your financials being what they are. I've run up uncomfortable debt in the past too -- it's easy to fall into that trap. You just know now that figuring that out is the key to W's heart.
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
