New to separation. Am I doing the right things?

[Accuray]

Are you kidding me? That was an awesome, positive e-mail. She told you that she cares about you, has been thinking about you, wants to know what you're thinking, and told you EXACTLY what she needs, she teed it up for you on a silver platter.

Your DB'ing is working! Keep doing what you're doing -- I would say that your behavior at the counseling session was probably just what it needed to be.

I would say something like this:

"Thanks for your note. I understand and appreciate that financial security is very important to you -- I know that our financial problems made you feel unsafe in our marriage and I am sorry for that. It wasn't a comfortable place for me either, and I don't think I could return to our former situation.

In terms of what I'm thinking about us -- I want my family and my wife to be together, I want an intact family for our kids. I understand that we cannot go back to how we were living and I appreciate that. I am making it my highest priority to turn around our financial situation, and I am committed to doing what it takes. I realize that talk is cheap, and that our financials can't be turned around overnight. I had some growing up to do in this regard, and I'm sorry things had to get this bad to make me see it.

In any case, I would be happy to talk to you any time. If you want to call and talk about how you're feeling, or talk about what I'm thinking, I would welcome that. If you don't feel you're getting what you need in those conversations, let me know and we'll figure out how to make that better.

RoughEnough"

Take that with a grain of salt -- I get my DB buddies to help me edit my e-mails and their usual response is "don't send that!" so maybe you should get some other opinions.

In general I would:

1) validate her concerns about financial security
2) reinforce that you want to reconcile your marriage
3) reinforce that you want a new marriage, not your old one back
4) tell her that you know what you need to do

I would avoid:

1) asking her for anything
2) talking about your feelings
3) getting into any detail about your 180's
4) getting into any detail about changes you've already made -- let them accumulate and let her "discover them"

Remember, no need to respond immediately. She's thinking about you while she waits for your response -- that's a good thing. If you think your response is going to be good, let some anticipation build, but don't torture her with a long delay, play it right!

Accuray