Grace, Love, Compassion, & Faith - Looks Like What

[25yearsmlc]

my ex BIL divorced my sister after 22 years and 3 kids. Theirs was a one sided marriage in which my older sister did the vast majority of the giving and almost all the parenting and worked full time as well...

on their first post divorce anniversary he actually did a classy thing (for me to concede this is huge).

He sent her roses and said, "it's still worth remembering".

And you can tell yourself that too Val. Like you said, it was a very happy day for you. Friends and family and for awhile, someone loved you, in their way.

It'll happen again and it WILL be better.

As Oprah says, sort of,

"this, I know to be true."


ps fwiw

my sister remarried a new man. The guy has his flaws as we all do. But he worships my sister and is good to her. He "gets" her and is so grateful she's in his life. I have asked her if she'd go back to h#1, the love of her life, if things somehow happened.

She said "now that I know what it's like to be THE priority in someone's life, I'd never go back to what we had..."

She had parental regrets but she is happier now than she probably ever could have been with h#1. He was just wound too tightly and btw, "Speaking of Karma"

he's in mc now with his w#2, whom HE describes as "high maintenance."

When his mom died, he called my sister before he called his present wife. They both cried togehter on the phone and THAT is sad. And I feel sorry for him at times.

But my sister's happiness now, is real.

POINT BEING, Her ex h did her a favor leaving, Val. And the more I hear details about your past m,

the more I have to wonder if maybe that's what your ex w did for you...

[scaredsilly]

val, i read your sitch but rarely comment. however, i just wanted to tell you that i'm 62 years old. i know my time here is limited.

but YOU! at 29...you have so many "best days of my life" ahead of you! you will be so happy again! trust me on this!

happy anniversary!

((()))

[needgrace]

Big hugs today Val (((((((( )))))))

25 is right, it will be better...

you will take this growth and confidence with you and it will be amazing when you share it with another. both for them and for you.

ss is right, there is so much of your life ahead of you. and it is so amazing how wise you have become at such a young age. this time has refined you so that you can shine, no matter what, but it also has refined you so that you can shine in all your Rs too.

you do not need to doubt that you can sustain loving someone throughout the good and the bad...you can love deeply and fully... you have proved it.

hope you celebrate you today, your ability to love and your growth!

[Valeska19]

Tomorrow is my w's 2 yr sobriety in OA. It's laying on my heart to write her a letter saying congrats.

I don't expect it change anything. It just doesn't feel right to ignore it..

... But then again, maybe I shouldn't. I'm not in her life anymore. Because of that.. Maybe the letter is inappropriate.

I don't want to ruin her day with my presence.

IDK.. Thoughts?

[25yearsmlc]

can't say it'd "ruin her day" with your presence so no, I don't buy that part.

But it does seem as if you are reaching out to her. Why do that?

I mean, is this a form of pursuit at all? It's not commemorating YOUR R with her. It's about a personal achievement of hers which you assume she has maintained...and in truth, you thought was related to her ultimate choice to leave. So,

Are you sure you won't expect something from her in response,

and

or

that she won't see it as pursuit? If she does see it that way, do you care?

[2thepoint]

Tomorrow is my w's 2 yr sobriety in OA. It's laying on my heart to write her a letter saying congrats.

I don't expect it change anything. It just doesn't feel right to ignore it..

... But then again, maybe I shouldn't. I'm not in her life anymore. Because of that.. Maybe the letter is inappropriate.

I don't want to ruin her day with my presence.

IDK.. Thoughts?

How do you know she is still sober? And frankly why do you care one way or the other?

It feels like pursuit and a little like you are grasping for a reason to reach out. I'd let it go but clearly the choice is yours to make.

[~ kd ~]

Personally, I don't send birthday cards to friends. So I would not send one to my W.

But if I saw a friend on the street and remembered their birthday was recent, I'd give my best wishes. So I SHOULD do that with my W, because I have no further reason to not be her friend.

If your goal is to continue to not be your W's friend, then do nothing.

If your goal is to be your W's friend, be her friend. And do with her as you would with any other friend. If you would send another friend a card, then do so with her.

Just do so with no expectations. And what ever she got out of it, that's up to her...

Right now... doesn't look like she's coming back to you... so who cares if she thinks it's pursuit... what's she gonna do? leave you?

[needgrace]

interesting question and comments.

i do congratulate friends on achievements, in fact it is something i have been trying to do more of recently...

if i were in your shoes, i would want to consider if I had expectations

and also if i am ready for where this card may lead.. (of course, one can never know for sure, and a good friend on here told me once that sometimes you have to test yourself to figure out where you are)

[Valeska19]

Thanks Everyone. I didn't end up sending anything. I guess I'll explain my thought process.

.But it does seem as if you are reaching out to her. Why do that?

I mean, is this a form of pursuit at all? It's not commemorating YOUR R with her. It's about a personal achievement of hers which you assume she has maintained...and in truth, you thought was related to her ultimate choice to leave.

This really stuck out to me.. because you're right. There is a big part of me that blames her "sobering up" for the D.

I'm working on that.. because it's selfish of me to allow my hurt to overcome the awesomeness of someone trying to be better.

If I'm honest, I just don't believe her changes based on her actions. There is just too much pain there still and letting go and forgiveness is a process.

But what I believe about her and everything in regards to that is moot now.

I just thought to myself. "If I don't 100% believe her changes AND I'm not 100% happy that she is working her program - than I should keep my mouth shut". Because I'm saying something that I "want" to be true.. but don't "believe" to be true.

And that goes against who I am and who I continue to try to be.

I will always remember the day and should I even reach that 100% - then I can say something.

How do you know she is still sober? And frankly why do you care one way or the other?

You're right.. I don't know if she is still sober or really anything about her. The truth is that I haven't seen her in 8 months and not had a normal conversation in 16. (Man - how sad).

BUT I will always care about her. My love for her ran very deep and just because she doesn't want to be with me... only changes how I love her - It doesn't change the fact that I still love her.

I will always want the best for her. I will always want her to conquer the demons because I saw how it held her back for 9 yrs.

If your goal is to continue to not be your W's friend, then do nothing.

If your goal is to be your W's friend, be her friend. And do with her as you would with any other friend. If you would send another friend a card, then do so with her.

Just do so with no expectations. And what ever she got out of it, that's up to her...

Right now... doesn't look like she's coming back to you... so who cares if she thinks it's pursuit... what's she gonna do? leave you?

I do want to be her friend. I think I could get past the D and keep her in my life...

..but I need to remember that she has made it clear that she does NOT. She says so in both her actions and her words.

So the bigger question is why should I reach out to someone who continues to show me that she wants nothing to do with me??

Whatever her reasoning - I have made my intentions clear. She will either move back towards me or she won't. I truly believe there is nothing I can do.

and also if i am ready for where this card may lead.. (of course, one can never know for sure, and a good friend on here told me once that sometimes you have to test yourself to figure out where you are)

I did wonder where the card would leave or how she might respond. I wouldn't call it expectations or pursuit per se.. but it is something...

... and because it is there and I just can't send it - 100% just for her. I didn't.

I ended up just praying to God. Telling him what I wanted to tell her and asking him to help it become truth in my heart.

Thank you everyone... for continuing to push me to become a better Val.

[keep_going]

Hi Val,

I have not posted to you in a long time - I took some time off from the bb, but just spent some time catching up with your sitch and life in the last few months.

I just want to say that I admire your growth and strength. I wish I had that kind of insight when I was your age...

There is so much about the feelings that you share with us that resonate with me.

I still struggle with some of the same things as you - forgiveness and co-dependency. I have been focusing on these more intensely in the last few months. I am now going to CoDA - a 12 step program that has really helped me identify and deal with my issues more directly and clearly. I really would recommend attending a meeting if you can. They are all over the place and I am sure you could find one in SF.

As you very well know, the healing we are going thru takes time and you and I have now been on this rollercoaster for a while.

You know you have come such a long way from where you started so don't forget that. You are a source of inspiration for me.

I will keep checking back on your thread.

(((hugs)))