Needing some guidance... 5

[jks]

25, the T session was awful because here I am trying to focus on me and how I'm going to continue on and he's telling me... well, you should just start thinking about getting D'd because this process is probably going to take 2-3 years to even look like it will go in your favor. 2-3 years??? And I basically just wait it out while H and OW move in together and quite possibly get married but then have no guarantees that he'd ever want to come back. That is HOPELESS... And I hated that he said it because then it makes me wonder what he's telling my H. And, no, it was not a breach of contract. He asked my H if he could share these things with me.

And, yes, H is the one that said he "distanced" himself. So in my situation is the distance helping?? I don't know. But there's nothing I can do about it. Brit, I focus on this because when a person says I see you're making changes BUT... it pretty much wipes out any hard earned changes that have been made. Basically saying that it doesn't really matter.

And I know what everyone is going to say... but you have to make these changes real. Something that he will believe can be totally different in a future R. I get that. I want these changes more to make me happy not for H to notice anyway.

I am way confused as to what to do with our kid situation. So, 25, you don't see a problem with her continuing to get closer and closer with my kids only to one day not be a part of their lives at all. Just confusing the hell out of them and putting them in awkward positions because they know its wrong. H and OW cuddling on the couch and the kids walk in... don't say anything but emotionally I know it affects them. They know we are still married and they ask everyday when daddy is going to live with us again.

Sometimes I just feel like my mind is being warped here because everyone is telling me that I should just be ok with something that is so morally wrong. And finally someone tells me, no, this should not be happening and you should protect your children. Of course, you still want H in their life but right now he can't be trusted. So, yes, I agree with her. I feel like such an awful mother for letting it go on for this long. And, yet, everyone here still seems to think that its ok.

I AM SOOOOO LOST!!! I cannot believe that MY H is the one who is putting us through so much heartbreak and insanity. If I say something to him that I don't want her around the kids anymore until we get this resolved, he will ignore me and tell me I'm crazy. So whatev... I have no control. These are only my children. No big deal. I'll just pretend like I don't see it like everyone else in is family does.

What an awful week this has been.

[jks]

Also, I do think it does make it so much harder for H to end his R with her when he gets everyone so emotionally involved. They all love her. Don't tell me I'm mind reading... because you have to remember that this woman has been in our lives way before any of this happened. So I know how everyone feels about her. I was there when she was at the house and hanging out with everyone. And, something that H's mother said to H's aunt... I've never seen him happier.

I asked H's mother about this and she said, well, obviously he's not really happy because he's so confused but in the way of him being more relaxed and not as frustrated... I do see it. But to put out there... I'VE NEVER SEEN HIM HAPPIER???

So what about our wedding day?? What about the first 3-4 years of our marriage? He was just as happy. He was in love. I have videos and letters from him to prove it. So she pretty much discredited our entire R. I'm so sick of everyone looking at the last couple years of our M and thinking, well, this is it. This is how it's always going to be. Really? Because it was ALWAYS that way? No, it wasn't.

Everyone seems to forget that my H and I were actually a really good fit with each other and have had some really great moments together. He's comparing the last 4 or 5 years to something with someone that is brand new and fresh. Which then just helps him justify it all and everyone else is right on board.

[labug]

Sometimes I just feel like my mind is being warped here because everyone is telling me that I should just be ok with something that is so morally wrong.

I don't think anyone is telling you it's OK, but that you have no control over it.

It's a bad situation, no doubt, but you can either accept that, take control or your life and create something better or continue to be the victim and be unhappy, angry and resentful. As 25 says, play the cards you're dealt.

Which would be better for you and your kids?

[jks]

Another thing that Leni said is, part of DB'ing is doing what works. It sounds like your H started to rethink his decision and come around more when the kids were out of his life more. He saw more value in his family.

I really am not reading what she said incorrectly. I wrote down a lot of what she said word for word. And she did state that it was emotional abuse to a child. She said she works with children all the time and this is psychosematic... meaning, it will start to show in their behavior.

[25yearsmlc]

Sometimes I just feel like my mind is being warped here because everyone is telling me that I should just be ok with something that is so morally wrong.

I don't think anyone is telling you it's OK, but that you have no control over it.


BINGO!!!


It's a bad situation, no doubt, but you can either accept that, take control or your life and create something better or continue to be the victim and be unhappy, angry and resentful. As 25 says, play the cards you're dealt.

Which would be better for you and your kids?

THAT IS what I mean and believe most of us mean...huge difference between your spin and ours.. HOW COME?

[scaredsilly]

Jks, I'm so sorry for the pain you're feeling. All the anger you feel about his family is similar to how I feel about my H's family. There's no OW involved (that I'm aware of) but they have dropped me like a hot potato after 15 years of telling me I was "family".

I'm trying to get over the anger and just put my relationship with them into the category of "acquaintances", now and in the future, whatever that may be.

Am I disappointed? Absolutely. But I have decided I gave way too much to them and have all kinds of expectations tied to those gifts. I need to stop that with them and really, everyone in my life. I need to stop giving to be "loved".

Love yourself and your kids. That's the only real unconditional love there is.

[jks]

Just tired. It takes everything I have to not look at this in a negative way. To stop the pit in my stomach. To focus on something else. Anything else to stop this pain. I'm exhausted from the constant emotional turmoil I'm in. Every direction I turn I feel lost, trapped, and hurt.

I have very much lost it this week emotionally.

[25yearsmlc]

25, the T session was awful because here I am trying to focus on me and how I'm going to continue on and he's telling me... well, you should just start thinking about getting D'd because this process is probably going to take 2-3 years to even look like it will go in your favor. 2-3 years???

First off I don't like T's who predict the future AND advise you to divorce and hope for the best later. I don't buy it.


And I basically just wait it out while H and OW move in together and quite possibly get married but then have no guarantees that he'd ever want to come back. That is HOPELESS...

Who said you "just wait it out"? NOT US! WE SAY GAL and move forward but keep the road home paved and smooth. You are the one who makes that out to be a HOPELESS nightmare instead of a lifestyle choice that gives YOU some freedom and some peace...

And I hated that he said it because then it makes me wonder what he's telling my H. And, no, it was not a breach of contract. He asked my H if he could share these things with me.


Maybe it's not a breach of CONFIDENTIALITY, but it's a weirdo game b/c as you said, now YOU WORRY about what he tells your h that you said. That's not cool. Are you comfortable with that?

And, yes, H is the one that said he "distanced" himself. So in my situation is the distance helping?? I don't know. But there's nothing I can do about it.



but your h knows it and that matters. He had the insight to notice that as he's distancing himself he's not making it easier. So don't make that easier on him. Meaning don't give him the cold shoulder when he's around. That just cements the distance b/c he won't feel safe.


Brit, I focus on this because when a person says I see you're making changes BUT... it pretty much wipes out any hard earned changes that have been made. Basically saying that it doesn't really matter.


wow that's^^ the most negative spin on his WONDERFUL comments you can come up with. Sorry I don't buy it. He sees the changes and maybe he fears they are not going to last or that they are not real. That's what the "BUT" means.

and you saying they dont' matter if they don't get him back reveals that a part of you only did it as a tactic, which reeks of temporary measures and a quick reversion to the past IF he were to trust them...

And I know what everyone is going to say... but you have to make these changes real. Something that he will believe can be totally different in a future R. I get that. I want these changes more to make me happy not for H to notice anyway.

okay so good. What's the downside there? No immediate reward? Ah but there IS an immediate reward, internally in you.


I am way confused as to what to do with our kid situation. So, 25, you don't see a problem with her continuing to get closer and closer with my kids only to one day not be a part of their lives at all.

Of course I see a problem with it! I just see MORE problems with you mishandling it. Read my comments again b/c I specifically said I'm NOT OKAY with her meeting them so much.

But unless you can prove some damage to them, at least in your h's eyes since I doubt you can in a court, which means it won't be enforceable,

then it's pointless.

You can appeal to his fathering and how you believe the kids are confused and hurt and feel torn by conflicting loyalties, etc. And can't they wait to "blend" families a bit longer or a lot less? ETC...I rarely see the request work but yes on occasion...and always by showing the WAS that it's hurting the kids. NEVER ONCE by the LBS demanding it.

Setting out unenforceable boundaries that he sees as unreasonable or nasty, may lead him to ignore you and or see you as uber mean spirited to demand them anyhow, ("w only wants to control/hurt me") WHAT will do what FOR YOU?


Just confusing the hell out of them and putting them in awkward positions because they know its wrong.

I'm not sure what "they know" versus what you are telling them. But I am sure they are confused. Telling them their dad is wrong is also NOT the thing to do. They can figure that out on their own and trust me when I tell you this next comment...

YOU telling them that their father is "Wrong" or "bad to do this" will backfire ON YOU. The mother being the messenger of bad news about their dad will hurt your children and YOUR r with them.

I spoke to a child psych about this very topic and your kids know they are mixtures of you and your h, so condeming him, condemns a part of them. IN time, they will BLAME YOU for their dad leaving...the more acrimonious it is, the worse for you and your r with your kids.

Worry less about being seen as "right" or as the victim in this, and more about being seen as a loving caring gracious woman, who retains her dignity in the face of adversity.


H and OW cuddling on the couch and the kids walk in... don't say anything but emotionally I know it affects them. They know we are still married and they ask everyday when daddy is going to live with us again.

LET HIM ANSWER THOSE QUESTIONS...Gently REFER the questions to their dad.


Sometimes I just feel like my mind is being warped here because everyone is telling me that I should just be ok with something that is so morally wrong.

you are mishearing it, repeatedly, which is revealing.

"Everyone" is NOT telling you that you "should just be ok" with it. NO one did, in fact. We just reminded you that you are not in control of it.

Think hard about the difference between those two things and how you cannot seem to distinguish between us saying "it's bad but you have to realize you cannot make people do what you want"

and YOU saying "everyone is telling me I should be okay with something SO morally wrong"...


And finally someone tells me, no, this should not be happening and you should protect your children. Of course, you still want H in their life but right now he can't be trusted. So, yes, I agree with her. I feel like such an awful mother for letting it go on for this long. And, yet, everyone here still seems to think that its ok.

See above comment....


I AM SOOOOO LOST!!! I cannot believe that MY H is the one who is putting us through so much heartbreak and insanity. If I say something to him that I don't want her around the kids anymore until we get this resolved, he will ignore me and tell me I'm crazy. So whatev... I have no control.

TRUE, which is what we have been telling you.
We gave you options for how to word it.

But we didn't give you "angry" options or punitive ones, that we know won't work. THey might even backfire.

We gave you suggestions about appealing to his best side/self.



These are only my children. No big deal. I'll just pretend like I don't see it like everyone else in is family does.

JKS why twist our words? Come on...and I will remind you once more, your MIL said she feels sick to her stomach. Why do you ignore her pain? IT's real. You are not the only one suffering in this.


What an awful week this has been.

I'm sorry it has stunk for you so much.

((( )))

[25yearsmlc]

ps

while my h went to Alaska to "explore" and "get rich" and left us behind, my mil and bil CALLED ZERO times when h was not here...in two years.

My fil, divorced from the mil decades ago, and a gruff Vietnam vet, DID call to check on us. Go figure.

I'll always shake my head at the pathological level of conflict avoidance my h's family has.

I think If he'd stabbed me to death, I THINK his mom might have said
"Son, MAYBE that was an overreaction..."

[25yearsmlc]

ps 2

our children are the ONLY grandchildren my MIL had. She never called--

why? Didn't she wonder how her grand-daughters were doing without their dad?

b/c it would be awkward? OR she didn't care? Or she thought I'd turn them against her son, which was not true but even if it were, SO? They are your only descendants!! So she died, and never really knew her grandchildren.

When my older d spoke at her funeral, and mentioned not really knowing her grandmother but still believing she was loved by her

my h was SHOCKED that our D "didn't know"....I thought, "how would she Know?"

But that's what I got in my two years of h being away from me and our 2 d's (son was at college. BIL called HIM...or so I heard).