Needing some guidance... 5

[25yearsmlc]

25, the T session was awful because here I am trying to focus on me and how I'm going to continue on and he's telling me... well, you should just start thinking about getting D'd because this process is probably going to take 2-3 years to even look like it will go in your favor. 2-3 years???

First off I don't like T's who predict the future AND advise you to divorce and hope for the best later. I don't buy it.


And I basically just wait it out while H and OW move in together and quite possibly get married but then have no guarantees that he'd ever want to come back. That is HOPELESS...

Who said you "just wait it out"? NOT US! WE SAY GAL and move forward but keep the road home paved and smooth. You are the one who makes that out to be a HOPELESS nightmare instead of a lifestyle choice that gives YOU some freedom and some peace...

And I hated that he said it because then it makes me wonder what he's telling my H. And, no, it was not a breach of contract. He asked my H if he could share these things with me.


Maybe it's not a breach of CONFIDENTIALITY, but it's a weirdo game b/c as you said, now YOU WORRY about what he tells your h that you said. That's not cool. Are you comfortable with that?

And, yes, H is the one that said he "distanced" himself. So in my situation is the distance helping?? I don't know. But there's nothing I can do about it.



but your h knows it and that matters. He had the insight to notice that as he's distancing himself he's not making it easier. So don't make that easier on him. Meaning don't give him the cold shoulder when he's around. That just cements the distance b/c he won't feel safe.


Brit, I focus on this because when a person says I see you're making changes BUT... it pretty much wipes out any hard earned changes that have been made. Basically saying that it doesn't really matter.


wow that's^^ the most negative spin on his WONDERFUL comments you can come up with. Sorry I don't buy it. He sees the changes and maybe he fears they are not going to last or that they are not real. That's what the "BUT" means.

and you saying they dont' matter if they don't get him back reveals that a part of you only did it as a tactic, which reeks of temporary measures and a quick reversion to the past IF he were to trust them...

And I know what everyone is going to say... but you have to make these changes real. Something that he will believe can be totally different in a future R. I get that. I want these changes more to make me happy not for H to notice anyway.

okay so good. What's the downside there? No immediate reward? Ah but there IS an immediate reward, internally in you.


I am way confused as to what to do with our kid situation. So, 25, you don't see a problem with her continuing to get closer and closer with my kids only to one day not be a part of their lives at all.

Of course I see a problem with it! I just see MORE problems with you mishandling it. Read my comments again b/c I specifically said I'm NOT OKAY with her meeting them so much.

But unless you can prove some damage to them, at least in your h's eyes since I doubt you can in a court, which means it won't be enforceable,

then it's pointless.

You can appeal to his fathering and how you believe the kids are confused and hurt and feel torn by conflicting loyalties, etc. And can't they wait to "blend" families a bit longer or a lot less? ETC...I rarely see the request work but yes on occasion...and always by showing the WAS that it's hurting the kids. NEVER ONCE by the LBS demanding it.

Setting out unenforceable boundaries that he sees as unreasonable or nasty, may lead him to ignore you and or see you as uber mean spirited to demand them anyhow, ("w only wants to control/hurt me") WHAT will do what FOR YOU?


Just confusing the hell out of them and putting them in awkward positions because they know its wrong.

I'm not sure what "they know" versus what you are telling them. But I am sure they are confused. Telling them their dad is wrong is also NOT the thing to do. They can figure that out on their own and trust me when I tell you this next comment...

YOU telling them that their father is "Wrong" or "bad to do this" will backfire ON YOU. The mother being the messenger of bad news about their dad will hurt your children and YOUR r with them.

I spoke to a child psych about this very topic and your kids know they are mixtures of you and your h, so condeming him, condemns a part of them. IN time, they will BLAME YOU for their dad leaving...the more acrimonious it is, the worse for you and your r with your kids.

Worry less about being seen as "right" or as the victim in this, and more about being seen as a loving caring gracious woman, who retains her dignity in the face of adversity.


H and OW cuddling on the couch and the kids walk in... don't say anything but emotionally I know it affects them. They know we are still married and they ask everyday when daddy is going to live with us again.

LET HIM ANSWER THOSE QUESTIONS...Gently REFER the questions to their dad.


Sometimes I just feel like my mind is being warped here because everyone is telling me that I should just be ok with something that is so morally wrong.

you are mishearing it, repeatedly, which is revealing.

"Everyone" is NOT telling you that you "should just be ok" with it. NO one did, in fact. We just reminded you that you are not in control of it.

Think hard about the difference between those two things and how you cannot seem to distinguish between us saying "it's bad but you have to realize you cannot make people do what you want"

and YOU saying "everyone is telling me I should be okay with something SO morally wrong"...


And finally someone tells me, no, this should not be happening and you should protect your children. Of course, you still want H in their life but right now he can't be trusted. So, yes, I agree with her. I feel like such an awful mother for letting it go on for this long. And, yet, everyone here still seems to think that its ok.

See above comment....


I AM SOOOOO LOST!!! I cannot believe that MY H is the one who is putting us through so much heartbreak and insanity. If I say something to him that I don't want her around the kids anymore until we get this resolved, he will ignore me and tell me I'm crazy. So whatev... I have no control.

TRUE, which is what we have been telling you.
We gave you options for how to word it.

But we didn't give you "angry" options or punitive ones, that we know won't work. THey might even backfire.

We gave you suggestions about appealing to his best side/self.



These are only my children. No big deal. I'll just pretend like I don't see it like everyone else in is family does.

JKS why twist our words? Come on...and I will remind you once more, your MIL said she feels sick to her stomach. Why do you ignore her pain? IT's real. You are not the only one suffering in this.


What an awful week this has been.

I'm sorry it has stunk for you so much.

((( )))