WHG: And so we file...

[sayitaintso]

I imagine I won't be too far behind you and I'm sorry it came to this WHG. You are one of the first sitch's I followed and I've always respected the shitt out of you for how you have handled everything w/ your w, your son, and your step-kids.

The future is bright for you brother!

[workinghardguy]

Well, that's done. Legally separated as of today. Kept it together during the signatures. Even kept it together when I had to go back because we missed a page.

Lost it pulling out of the parking lot. And pretty upset as I type this. SS and SD will be over in about an hour so I've that much time to get myself put back together.

Tomorrow's another day. A step in the process, a page turned.

But it still suxx. Lots.

[labug]

Yep. (((whg)))

[workinghardguy]

I think what's doubly frustrating me is that I believe what motivated the filing now is her new guy friend. And it's not that she has a guy friend, it's that she's just repeating the exact same patterns.

She met me when she was divorcing her first husband. I can't remember if she had filed or was about to when we met. But she had been moved out from him for about three to four months and living with her dad and two little kids.

And here she is again. This was all about "being on her own", but now she meets this individual and so on.

No, I don't know if they are dating or not. She has told me they aren't but I don't put much stock in her words. If she is it would bother me, mainly because I really don't want me son around this guy on a permanent basis. He's going through a divorce right now too. A divorce brought about because he brought a mutual friend into a threesome with his wife and him, and then started sleeping with the mutual friend outside of the threesome too. Apparently that was the bridge too far. And yes, that sounds judgmental... and he's free to do what he wants, I just really don't want my son around it.

And I know... I don't get to have a say in it. So then this and counseling are the only places I really get to vent. So that's what I am doing.. venting.

I'd like her to get the help she needs and says she wants. That was her stated purpose. She's following the easier path of just repeating past behaviors I guess hoping for a different result? I don't know I can't mind read.

I can't control it or really influence it, but it is frustrating.

[workinghardguy]

Guess today could have been worse. Still sad and heartbroken. Up too late because I just don't want to go to sleep.

Docs are signed and filed. Now the fourth month waiting period starts. Five months to the day that she moved out we are separated. And if we get a court date right at the end of that four month window then I'll get to have the divorce as my birthday present. Yay me.

Went over to my mom's tonight and had dinner. S is attending a day camp near her so he's been staying with her all week. He's always in such a good mood. Lots of squeezes and fun helped, but I just couldn't pull myself completely out of the melancholy.

I know it will pass, I hope it will pass. Tomorrow's another day. And if my family is meant to be pieced back together then that is what will happen. If it isn't meant to be, well, then it isn't.

I sat today and tried really hard to remember good times with my W. It was hard. Guess that tells me something. Not that all I could recollect were bad times, but I also couldn't recollect really good times. There were some... our son being born, the last getaway when we found out she was pregnant, when I proposed, our wedding day, Christmas times. But there were far fewer than I would hope.

I remember who she was when we met. Who she was the first four years or so. And I contrast that to who she is now and they are just so different. I don't get it.

[OneLessWife]

Hey WHG how are things going, remember we care about you and want to be there for you. SO how are you doing my friend.

[workinghardguy]

Thanks for checking in OLW.

Things are going ok... I'd say that's about it, ok. Been a hard couple of weeks. I've been pretty up and down, especially the last week. Depressed as well I think.

This weekend marks the time last year when everything started falling apart in fast motion. So I'm reliving all that stuff right now and it hurts. And put on top of that the D filing and my S really starting to express hurt and regret over this and it's just hard.

Trying to keep up my GAL, but my heart's barely in it right now. Next week a Meetup group is getting together again after a hiatus and I'm forcing myself to go. I know I'll be glad once I go, but right now it's just sort of... eh.

W came over last weekend for a bit. S hadn't seen her all week due to a day camp he was at and was really missing her. He called and asked if she would come see him. She did. She also brought her homework along and asked for my help. I had volunteered awhile ago to help her, particularly with math, if she needed it. I soul-searched for quite a while before doing that. She was appreciative and I was able to help her.

Haven't seen SS and SD much unfortunately. W's work schedule and summer mean they are largely somewhere else most of the time. That's getting really hard. I did get a whole day with SS though this past week when our youth group went to the EAA airshow and he came along.

W is camping this weekend with her "new friend" and taking the kids to waterparks. It's her friend's son's birthday and the whole family (son, dad, grandma, grandpa, my STBX, my SD, and my S) all went. W has repeatedly swore to me that her and her friend are just that... friends. Both divorcees going through divorce and are someone to hang out with.

If you remember for a few weeks she was randomly dropping by here to hang out because she was lonely and her friends had abandoned her. That's ended since she struck up this friendship.

I can't say I'm super-excited about it, but I don't really get a say so I'm just trying to focus on other stuff and my own life.

I had a date offer last week. Really it would've been more of a "hook up" I think than a date knowing the gal and the friend who set us up. I cancelled though... just didn't feel right. Still the idea of trying to do the whole introduction and kabuki dance just seems so exhausting. So I apologized to her and told her I just wasn't ready to go there yet.

I did buy a new vehicle. My six year old minivan was closing in on 150,000 miles, had a bad tranny, and the check engine light had come on. So it was time to replace it... and I decided to do a new, new car. I've never bought an actual new car in my life. My W always got the new car and I bought some used thing.

But I decided that down the road I really don't want to be "minivan dad" So I dumped for a relatively fuel-efficient SUV/crossover thing. I like it. And I splurged on the remote starting option for those Wisconsin winters (and lately the summers too!).

So... sorry if I feel a little downtrodden, guess I just am. Some days are better than others but all this stuff is just getting drug up now. I know it's only going to get worse before it gets better. We drove through the town where we took our last family holiday last August. September is the anniversory of the bomb drop, anniversary of our wedding, my dad's passing, and 9/11 all in a four-day period. Then Halloween, my birthday, and the holidays.

I know I'm supposed to be living in the present and not looking ahead. Take it one day at a time... just right now it all seems so... sad. I'll get over it, but I wish I would hurry up and do that already

[Ctflor]

I'm sorry, WHG. (((WHG)))

She is losing a WHGG. Working Hard Good Guy.

I hope you find some peace and happiness for yourself as this path continues to where it is going. I have walked that road of separation and divorce, and I know it is not easy, but it does get better. With time.

It's good to see you do something special for you. Be kind to yourself, WHG.

[workinghardguy]

Ended up with some unexpected time with my S and SD tonight. STBX got home from her camping trip and right away called me. I was actually napping so I missed her calls but called her back eventually. She asked if S could come over for a while. She said that all weekend he was saying he missed his dad, wanted dad to be there with him, and wanted to see me. I could tell that this fact really chapped her, however I see it as a good sign that my S is asserting his feelings.

I did have plans for getting some stuff done around here, but I missed the kids too so I agreed. When I got there STBX had to toss in a few barbs, which is actually unusual for her so I can tell it was really bothering her. She told me that she thinks all this "dad talk" is just S's way of manipulating her and making her feel bad for the D. Umm... yes, yes it is. And she tossed in that she thought he was going through video game withdrawl, inferring that S didn't necessarily miss me, just getting to play with electronics.

I didn't rise to the bait. First I know she's bone tired... a weekend of camping and waterparks with kids is draining, period. And second I could see that what my S was saying really was eating at her. It seemed to be that going down that road was just rubbing salt in the wound. She can offer all the defenses and justifications she wants, but the sense I got was that she was trying to convince herself that these were the reasons, more than she was trying to convince me.

STBX was also a bit chappy that I bought a new truck Clearly it surprised her (even though I had mentioned needing a new one for some time as the tranny and engine were dying on my old van). I think it more surprised her that I didn't tell her ahead of time. But why would I? None of her business, we're legally separated now.

So S and I hung out. Made some dinner, took the dog for a walk, read some new books. Then I picked up SD and we all went to see Ice Age 4 after cruising in the new ride for a while

[workinghardguy]

I will also add this... when I picked up SD, STBX was doing laundry and in a foul mood. After the movie was over and I dropped the kids off she was still in a foul mood. I shared a bit of news with her that one of the students we had when we worked together passed away from a car accident. That brought her out of her funk for a minute but then I could see her slip back in.

I almost asked her what was wrong, but I caught myself. Not my problem anymore and frankly I don't really want to know or listen. I already blew up my to-do list taking the kids to the movie, I didn't need a 10-minute litany of her issues.

So I said good bye and left. It's feeling better each time I just leave and let her sit with her problems. It used to tear me up to do it. Then it hurt to do it. Then it bothered me. Now I just shrugged my shoulders when I got in the truck and simply felt sorry for her, but no real regrets.