I can't change what I wish for. Now that my eyes have been opened more about how things could be, my expectations have been raised. But that doesn't mean I wouldn't be happy with smaller improvements.

So was our sex life once decent? Good question. I would say it was somewhat lacking because she was never fully participating, which I didn't really understand at the time because of my inexperience. But now that we both know more, there is no reason why she too couldn't go farther than before. Only dead people have no room for improvement.

With regard to frequency, yes I've been told before that with real sex, that I wouldn't want it as often if it were real sex, etc. You're sounding like my wife when she used to say I shouldn't need it that much, and insisted that once a week should be enough. I've had intercourse, and like I said, only a few times was I able to convince her to have sex twice in one session or in one day. I did not find it a problem with energy or attention. In fact, I wouldn't mind a partner who would like it 5 or more times on a Saturday, if that puts my "compromise" for once a day in perspective. But unlike what's described as "addiction", I don't let my desires cut into work and family responsibilties and other pursuits. At least I'm in control of myself! But I don't buy that somebody can't find the time to have sex once a day. I don't know anybody who doesn't find the time to eat and go to the restroom every day.

I don't expect YOU to care about my frequency, but it is very much an issue for me in the sense that I'm kind of climbing the walls at about 48 hours (after skipping a day). Then I can pretty much go into an immediate fantasy or warm thoughts of sex at the mere sight of a woman. That's very much UNLIKE the situation as I understand it with many more normal or LD people, who could go a week or more and not really miss it, yet be fully responsive when a more HD partner takes the initiative. Sure, I could take the role of being passive in the hopes that my partner would initiate, but after 48 hours, I would quietly be thinking "jeez, come on, can't you figure it out already!"

But you're not the first on this forum to downplay or minimize what I might mean when I say I'm HD. Like another person on this forum who wrote that at my age I will soon need Viagra and might lose interest in sex. Well, who knows, but that would sure be a big change from what I'm currently experiencing.

What did our marriage counselor say? My wife quit therapy when it came to these issues. Yes, that part of it seems selfish and unloving, but these issues also genuinely stressed her out. So you have to be careful to not automatically attribute behavior to the most negative possible causes such as selfishness, when it also involves shame, guilt, and other issues on the part of the other person.

What the heck am I doing in a sexless marrage and why do I come here? I thought this was the sexless marriage section of an anti-divorce forum. What's a more appropriate place?

I seem unable to get out of my situation? I'm not dead yet, so don't count the chickens. I'm in the process of deciding my next move after trying many things over the years. Unlike people who bail out immediately, I think I've done the right thing by trying many things first and maintaining a good marriage in my other ways in the meantime. But I totally agree with you, it's a huge problem.

And, sure, when I say I want a really vibrant sexual partner, you have to understand that I don't really know what I'm talking about because I've never had anybody like that. It's just what I picture in my mind. You say a willing lover. Sure. If she were willing to listen and entertain even half of what I'd like to do, that would be a totally new adventure for me. And I would hope such a person had things she wanted to do sexually too that I wasn't anticipating. That would be a new experience for sure. Oooh, now there are some new fantasies! Time to get on with some other things today before these thoughts take over my mind and body.... ;-)