well, brit and bug, it was a great day! we stayed in the boat and the water all day. it rained several times, but we just got in the boat and covered up with a tarp and stayed warm and dry. it was just the two of us and about 100,000 other people! it was nice.
H spent the night, the night before and the night of the event. we had a little issue when, after we ML, i asked him if he had been with another woman...i know, i let my anxiety get the best of me. he told me he didn't like to get asked that question that it made him feel his integrity was being questioned. we got through it, though, and i told him i wouldn't ask it again.
the next morning, we had a R talk. i told him that we have so little time together that i always feel as if i'm walking on eggshells and have to be perfect. i told him that if everything doesn't go exactly as he's expecting and something triggers him, he feels like he has to pull away again.
i let him know that i can't go on living an isolated life here in this house and in this town because it adds to my insecurities about him. it also contributes to this artificail relationship we have now.
i told him that i will be in my hometown for 6 weeks while he comes back to the house to stay. we will be exchanging our lifestyles, me with family and friends and him isolated.
i told him that for us to move forward, i want him to think about us living together when i get back so we can have a more realistic, day-to-day relationship and work things out without all the stresses of separation.
i also told him that when he goes out of town in october (he works out of town 5-6 months of the year, coming home on weekends when things are normal), i would be able to go with him 5 days a week and he wouldn't have to drive home on the weekends.
this was one of his complaints about our life before; that i wouldn't travel with him when he had to be out of town.
well, he said, "you know i will hold you to that now that you're saying it".
he seemed to react positively to the living together when i get back. he said he will see how he feels being around this house by himself (he's never by himself now so he doesn't have the lonliness i have) and being around all the picture of me and our life together. he has some yard work he wants to do, too.
he mentioned he'd like to have some people from the office come to a fish fry and asked it that would hurt my feelings! of course, it won't because what always hurt my feelings was him not being concerned about me out here while he had so much to do with his family and friends. now, i will have lots to do and i won't be isolated and abandoned. but it was nice of him to ask.
he left to go out of town on sunday night until tomorrow. he's been calling me a lot more, texting me all kinds of things; business, family, funny things.
so, i guess it's a positive movement. i think he was trying to show me what it's like to be alone and without him and all the things he does.
i told him that it has registered but it can't continue, at least not for me. i won't live like this much longer. if i come back from my trip in september and he's not ready to live together again, i will seriously think about moving forward, not with D but with making a life for myself more in my hometown (800 miles away) with other people and family.
i think sometimes you just have to let them know you've had enough. we'll see...
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
WOW I am really happy for you. It sounds like you have a plan and I really like that you said you'd be willing to travel with him, something he was upset about before. It seems like you two might be on your way to piecing. good luck and i'm glad to hear you had a good time!
Thank you, Brit. It's day to day but I've at least let him know that I'm not willing to continue my life in limbo much longer.
I also stopped the discussions about the past. I told him that I want solutions, not blame. I said we both have needs and we can negotiate so we are both getting our needs met.
I'm really not far from being the WAS. From all I've read on here, it seems to be a natural evolution.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
Yes yes yes to the no more blame!!! Once I stopped feeling guilty everything shifted. Good for you!! Will you still post while you're away? 5 weeks is a long time with no Capt SS
most definitely! i don't think i can make it through the day without the people on this board. i need the inspirations and the stories so much. all of you help me make it through each day!
having friends and family around will give me less time to be on here but GAL will be good for me.
it will be so nice to have a better frame of mind for this trip. the last time i went home, it was after i had spent some time with H, out of town, while he had to work. he was VERY cold and distanced from me. he even called me "evil" one time and that's when i came home and decided he was too angry for me to go back and put myself through it more.
i went home to see my sister but i didn't let anyone else know i was in town. i was too depressed to even be around anyone but her. i couldn't even be with my cousin, who i like so much.
it was just too hard to pretend to be happy.
i've come so far since then! i'm excited to see ALL my family and lots of my old friends. i've told friends i'm coming up and we're getting together for jazz club outings, dinners at my condo, card games, music festivals, etc.!
life does go on and get better, with or without H. i still would like to see us R but if we don't, i will make a life for myself, thanks to all the great guidance i've been able to get from everyone on here. i shudder to think what i'd be like had i not found this site.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
you're right, of course. it's so hard for a controller, like me, to not think about how the future is going to turn out and to try to make it happen. i'm a fixer.
any suggestions on how to get those kinds of thoughts out of my brain?
Brought this over from Brit's thread.
For me it took admitting it and facing my fear of the unknown. I have to be OK with not having all the answers and allowing things to just happen. Often the result is better than I could have imagined.
It takes such a load off when I can do this. But first I had to recognize my controlling traits. I'm constantly amazed when I really pay attention that my control mechanisms are sometimes so subtle that most people might not notice but I know what outcome I'm trying to force.
I think a lot more about my words and actions.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Hi bug! So nice to see you here! I'm going to try your suggestion more. It's amazing to me how very much I try to control the outcome. Even in a reply to a text message I will think about how what I say will get me what I want! It seems to be "uncontrollable"!!
But, i read that Pima lady this morning when I was feeling angry about how H will choose text over calling and speaking to me. It makes me feel so unimportant in his life.
The great thing is I thought about what I read and then stopped that feeling of anger, thought about my true hurt feeling under the anger, and then thought about H's true feelings under his desire to not call on the phone (fear, pain, etc.). So, I began to breathe deeply and pull in all of our suffering and the roots of this suffering, and push out all of it so we can heal and recover.
I'm not sure if I did it all correctly but it really took away my anger towards him and replaced it with more kind feelings about him. And, I was not afraid anymore!
I found out about all of this reading on these boards. Had I not gotten the bomb, I would still be suffering and scared and angry! Tell me there's not a higher power without a plan here! Everything is happening as it should!
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
