Needing some guidance... 5

[jks]

I just got off the phone with Leni, one of the DB counselors... I feel soooo much better. Still angry but I know what I need to do now. She told me that I need to enforce this boundary of my children not being around OW while we are still married. Because apparently no one else in H's family is responsible enough to see what's wrong with it. She said... you tell your H that if he wants to see them then he can come to your place to visit them because he has showed that he cannot be trusted. She said what him and his family are doing is called emotional abuse to a child. No child should have to go through this. They continually feel like they're betraying their mother and they will show signs of this sooner or later. Which they already have. So this week I will be enforcing this rule when I get them back. This is my first step to doing something different. I finally feel like I am getting control back and I'm sick to my stomach that I let it go on for this long. Leni said she is too.

[25yearsmlc]

It is odd to me that your h's T would call and schedule an appt with you to tell you what your h said and where he is at.

I also thought this^^^ was awkward at best and a breach of confidentiality at worst.

It does suggest a few possible paths for you though...knowing the T is your h's, then you can "fake it til you make it" when talking to the T,

and use the interactions you have to somehow convey to the t that you are in fact moving right along and letting go and moving forward in your life-

NOT necessarily by divorcing your h--- OR telling the T- but by being upbeat and listening...using the sessions as information gathering on your end...


or, perhaps, forgetting all that and only making YOUR growth, your focus...

options...

--
Or don't go at all because right now you are working on you and not focusing on your h, right?

It may have hurt and reinforced some negative feelings but I'm w/ bug, nothing has really changed.

This is all part of a long process J and at times it feels like it will never end but you are doing great.

AMEN...

PS but the process DOES move along at its pace, as we do at ours.

And you do grow and you do backslide

and you do learn and you do pick yourself up and dust yourself off

and you get up, again, whenever you fall.

AND it gets better...

You will be happy again. A lot of the question about "WHEN" that will be, is up to you.

((( )))

[25yearsmlc]

I did speak with H's mother this morning. I asked her if she feels like this is right... does she like having OW at her house and invited to all of the family functions? She said, no... she hates seeing it but doesn't know what to do. I said, it's your house, why don't you put your foot down and tell H that as long as he's still married and WANTS to be married that he can't bring her over and around the family?


JKS, despite what the DB coach said, I'm not clear on what power you have in this sitch. Your mIl says she's NOT happy with the sitch and maybe she fears that by forcing your h to choose, he'll be more likely to move in with OW, right?

I mean, I have a son who is in love now and I often wonder what I'd do if they married and had problems later on. IF he brought an OW to our home...I do think I'd want to meet her ONCE...

(But what would I do if I believed he was NOT happy in his marriage before OW...what then? )

ANYHOW I just don't know how far you will get by pushing the "condemn them!" route. I can see it backfiring too. And the in laws not wanting to discuss much with you either.

Just think out a strategy for efficacy.

B/C DBing 101 is,

Do what works, don't do what does not work.



He's making it so much harder because he's getting everyone emotionally connected which then just makes it impossible for him to end his R with her.

No I don't think it makes it harder for HIM to end it BECAUSE he takes her around them a lot, But it makes it super awkward for them to pretend you are not on earth when they are around her. It makes it hard to erase you and they don't want to and they have grandkids to think of too...

And if they insist he not bring OW around, they'll probably see much less of him, AND less of their grandchildren AND OR he may move in with her b/c they'll be pushing him into OW's arms more....

I can see some legit reasons for your inlaws to feel stuck in not knowing what to do. Not just weakness on their end, but genuinely not knowing what to do.


She said, she knows she needs to say something because it makes her sick to her stomach everyday. I told her if she has a problem confronting him about it then tell her H to say something.

JKS be VERY careful here. Tread lightly.

Beware of how pushy you may become in this situation. You are condemning their son, and telling them what to do, in their own home, and you sound morally indignant about it.

That can be a super big turn OFF, and you do not want to lose yourself in self righteous anger, which does NOT help you or your kids.

Sometimes this is not about being right, but about being happy.

This is not the time to backslide and lose your hard earned progress.


I just think H isn't really living with the consequences of his actions. He gets the best of both worlds and its so easy because his family has accepted his mistress with open arms.

Whoah...your MIL just said it makes her sick to her stomach...why describe it as "open arms"? You are revising things...NOT helping you...

and do you really think he's proud of himself? You think he is "getting the best of both worlds" by what? How?

HE misses his kids, he's living in his parents home, he knows he's messed up the marriage and

now he'll have to regain your trust AND HOPE your changes are real

AND that he doesn't have to face a ton of anger from you, [i]which you clearly feel...[/i]

how great is all that? I guess I just don't see it that way.

Plus, don't forget,

it's NOT YOUR JOB to show him the consequences of his actions.

Life does that.

If you want to keep the road home, paved and smooth, remember that^^^.

I am NOT saying be a doormat! Keeping the road home paved and smooth is not the equivalent of doormating.

But this dictating to others is not going to work for you in the long run. It's out of your control

but you are clinging to an illusion that you can tell others what to do and make them do it.

What can you control? Oh yeah... Back to YOU...


I know I have to stop focusing on what he's doing and what his family is doing but this affects me and my children so much. SOOOOO MUCH!!! And H told the therapist that he sees now that I've made some huge changes and that he now could see how things could be better between us.

um, why isn't that GREAT news? Just curious...


But he's also distanced himself from me so much that he doesn't know if he can come back from that. Awesome!

Did he SAY that he's "distanced" himself so much OR is that your take on it?

And if he did say it, it's not rocket science to fix it. IF you are too distanced, then close the gap.

But you can't be standing in the doorway of the home, arms crossed,

telling him how WRONG/SINFUL he is, if you want him to come home.

The home has to be a place he wants to be. What would that HOME look like?

[25yearsmlc]

I just got off the phone with Leni, one of the DB counselors... I feel soooo much better. Still angry but I know what I need to do now. She told me that I need to enforce this boundary of my children not being around OW while we are still married.


If the reason you give your h is that the CHILDREN ARE CONFUSED and damanged in some way, or feel disloyal, you may get somewhere.

If it's about him being wrong, I don't think you will get far. You'll look punitive. A lot of courts won't enforce this either, as long as no damage is done to the kids.


Because apparently no one else in H's family is responsible enough to see what's wrong with it.

NOT necessary to say this^^^^ at all....Take that tone and keep it to yourself. Seriously, it's not helping you.

She said... you tell your H that if he wants to see them then he can come to your place to visit them because he has showed that he cannot be trusted. She said what him and his family are doing is called emotional abuse to a child.

Wow, I don't want to disagree with a DB coach but I question what you say she's telling you exactly.

the "Abuse" is that he's introducing them to OW? I've never heard a judge call it that.

Is there a unique angle to this sitch I'm missing JKS? I mean are they calling her "mom" or is someone demonizing you or what? (NOT that I agree with him introducing her to the kids, but I question the use of the word "abuse" b/c I'm thinking of it legally, which may not be what the coach meant).



No child should have to go through this. They continually feel like they're betraying their mother and they will show signs of this sooner or later. Which they already have.

IF you have some empirical data or at least anecdotal evidence or signs that the kids are suffering, make it ALL about that.

IMO, I'd say No condemning. Just SHARE your concern for the kids and appeal to your h's best qualities as a father/man,

so you give him something to live up to, rather than shaming him...further away...

So this week I will be enforcing this rule when I get them back. This is my first step to doing something different. I finally feel like I am getting control back and I'm sick to my stomach that I let it go on for this long. Leni said she is too.

Do what works...no cheeseless tunnels that make you look vindictive or as if you are disguising your anger in fake maternal concerns.

Be the mother you really are and make it all about them. Also if you want him to see the kids -how do you make it ONLY in your home?

You really want to look as if you are trying to force him to be around you? I mean, that's when you need to GAL.

So, what's your strategy for helping him to see the kids AND not have OW around. How will that work? Maybe you can get another session with a DB coach to get some details...

Are you in effect forcing him to move in with her to then have his own place?
I seriously doubt a court would intervene.

That's not my only concern...but it's my biggest.

[Brit45]

I'm interested in whether you've had two sessions with T or one? Because you came back from the session with T very upset, angry, and thinking there was no hope and then you drop in that H has said he sees your changes and think it could work?!

So are you only concentrating on the negatives? Why didn't you put just as much stock if not more into H's positive statements as you did his negative ones about the sitch?

IMHO and feel free to tell me to get my nose out...you can't talk to anyone in H's life about your M. It's not fair to them or him and it's not something a person of character and class does. Those are his parents. He will always be their baby bit even if he's sitting on death row. When I was at my LOWEST I made sure MIL never saw me crack I was dressed great, house clean, losing weight, and making jokes. I knew it would get back to H. Do you want them to think of you as well adjusted and happy or as controlling and unhappy?

If a person (and I was a walk a way do I remember) is doing something they already feel bad or guilty about and other people tell them it's wrong they will stand by their decision, defensively, bull headed, etc because it's like a teenager rebelling and they can't tell you what to do.

You say you can't help yourself from trying to influence his decision to have an OW because it affects you and your kids so do much, but you know what will also affect you and your kids so so much? If you drop the rope. Allow yourself to be free mentally of worrying, trying to control the outcome, and if you be and happy and whole no matter what happened 5 years from now.

How would things change right now if someone told you I've seen the future you never get back together? The more you try to create an outcome the less likely it is to happen.

You want an H that chooses you no one you forced to be with you.

[scaredsilly]

Brit, you are so wise for such a young woman!

[Brit45]

Just read back sorry for the auto correct mistakes..I typed that on my iphone. I meant boy not bit and obviously a lot of my do's should be so's
and the last sentance should be not instead of no.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

You want an H that chooses you no one you forced to be with you.

jks, what's your arrangements for the kids? is there an exchange?

One of my favorites is when H drops the kids off have two wine glasses out in his view. Make him think about what YOU'RE doing.

Make sure you look great when he shows up. start dressing differently,do your hair differently, smell nice and listen to music you usually never listen to.

Have a picture blown up and hang it where he can see when he drops the kids off.

And of course be in a happy mood when he drops the kids off.
NO one wants to be with a miserable person.

gr8

[labug]

I am getting control back and I'm sick to my stomach that I let it go on for this long.

Here's the nut-you are a controller who feels out of control and it scares the shite out of you! I know, been there, done that.

Let that go, I know it sounds undoable but it isn't, it just takes work.

Talk yourself thru it, Why do I feel so afraid? Why do I feel so angry? What is it that scares me about this? What is the worst that could happen if I drop the rope?

You can't control him, you can control you.

And J, I know you feel overwhelmed right now but this is where growth happens. Don't back down from yourself now.

[vera be fierce]

I am getting control back and I'm sick to my stomach that I let it go on for this long.

Here's the nut-you are a controller who feels out of control and it scares the shite out of you! I know, been there, done that.

Let that go, I know it sounds undoable but it isn't, it just takes work.

Talk yourself thru it, Why do I feel so afraid? Why do I feel so angry? What is it that scares me about this? What is the worst that could happen if I drop the rope?

You can't control him, you can control you.

And J, I know you feel overwhelmed right now but this is where growth happens. Don't back down from yourself now.

Seconded, from another recovering controller. You sound like you feel like you need to punish yourself for not doing something sooner. Much like you can't control anyone else, you can't control the past. You can only control yourself, going forward. We've all done things that we wish we could have done differently.

Drop the rope on your past, get your footing now, and look forward. You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for. You can do it.