Something The Boys And I Have Noticed

[sunshinelewis]

Tad I understand what it is to listen to your children vent about their parent and to feel their pain and hurt.
Unfortunately for you, you have a young one and share custody.
YES I said Unfortunately! At one time after my divorce I would have given anything to have contact with my xh. I didnt have a custody issue so I had NO REASON to talk to him. I was sad that we didnt talk.
NOW....I see that I was VERY FORTUNATE!!!!
Because him forcing NO CONTACT helped me move on faster.
That is what they mean by detaching. It REALLY DOES help.
You cant imagine it at the time but it is a BLESSING in Disguise.

Tad it took me 3 years! to really and truly not think about what my xh was doing. When my son lived with him, I was fixed on trying to win him back, but other than that, I didnt care.
It took 3 years though to get to that point.
I havent thought about my xh other than in a Fatherly way in a LONG time. AND believe me I wasnt about detaching. I thought I was going to die when he left. I was way worse than you.
BUT look at me now. It DOES get better Tad. The less you hear about her or see her, the faster it happens. BUT regardless it WILL HAPPEN!
One step at a time Tad.
Be thankful that you dont have to deal with a baby issue.
What helped me was when one thing hit me, I got thru it and moved onto the next.
She moved in with xh.....made it thru it.
They got married.....shew hard, but made it thru it.
They got pregnant.....wow, made it thru it.

YOU WILL TOO!!!!!!!! One step at a time! Stop Rushing yourself, it will come.

As far as the empty nest.....Listen you are putting the cart before the horse. You could be Married before then Tad.
The world could end. Jesus could come back tomorrow.
Stop thinking of what is gonna happen months from now.
Deal with today, then tommorrow and etc.

I know you see her Life as a ray of sunshine. BUT it really isnt.
You are not with her OR inside her head.
I thought the same thing about my xh getting married.
NOT FAIR I thought. How come he did this and I am still suffering and he has a Happy Little Home.
Not Always True!
You will be better in the long run than she EVER WILL BE. Unless she gets Help.

Enjoy being alone awhile Tad. Something I didnt do but am now experiencing. I love me and my life now.
Imagine that. lol

Hugs Tad.....Lots of Hugs
Renee

[sunshinelewis]

edit:

just to make sure you understood me.

"when my son lived with him, I was fixed on winning him back"

Talking about my SON not xh.

[seeking answers]

How can somebody be so hateful and that angry? It baffles me. What the hell are they angry about?

Tad, the trouble with MLC is that you can't win. Your X could tell you what the problem(s) is/are and you could go about addressing them. As soon as you did, it would change again and there would be something else to be angry about an on an on...

Truly, if someone is as angry as you say your X is, how can you truly think she's happy? Angry people are not happy, they're miserable and will drag you with them if you allow it.

MLC is not a short trip. Her om will be the brunt of her anger soon enough if he isn't already.

Get a different perspective. It's your choice. You can keep wallowing in this or you can look at the other side and count your blessings. You had the best years with your X, the sane ones where you had a good life and were blessed with your sons.

Keep at it Tad. You're definitely showing signs of getting there!






























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[Kimmerz]

I know Tad....it's truly amazing the anger these people have. It seems to be a monthly thing with XH....I get a good dose of spew over things that never required spew in the first place.

Sometimes I feel he tries to get into my good graces so he can just scream at me again later. And guess what his excuse for hurtling insults and scathing texts were last time? He was just trying to help!

It's very hard to understand this extreme anger when we get it full force. But I agree, happy people don't go around spewing and stewing at anyone. I know this because aside from this horrible betrayal and heartache I've had over this, I am and have always been a happy person. Sure I get irritable and tired, but I don't go out searching for my next victum to tear to shreds cause life has dealt me a crappy hand! I like to be friendly to people, it's just my nature.

[job]

Tad,
If your xw was happy, she wouldn't be constantly poking at you. The anger that she exhibits, tells us that she's still not a happy person and she is going to continue to lash out at the one person she feels safe with and that is you. However, you can change that by not reacting to her antics, as well as not having much contact w/her. Your son is old enough to have some kind of relationship w/her, whereby the two of you should have little contact about things.

Let me just say this, mlcers don't like to be alone too long and that's why they tend to have someone waiting in the wings for them. Some rush divorce and marry quickly and others don't. They think that the issue is us and the marriage they had w/us, but unless they face their demons and actually do the hard work, the next marriage will be a disaster.

She's not a happy person, so please don't judge this book by its cover. If she were happy, she wouldn't be acting out the way she is. Don't drink the kool-aid and fall into the same pitcher w/her...you have a lot of life ahead of you and only you can find a way to make yourself happy now. Leave her out there to swing in the wind...there's nothing you can do for her.

Tad, it's time to really focus on yourself.

[AntoniaB]

Oh man Tad, the post you wrote that was entirely about you....BRAVO. With that post, you took all the focus off her and put it entirely on you, and I don't know if you can see it, but there is real progress there. You are going to think there isn't because it's a post that is really steeped in depression. But you can't change what you don't acknowledge (I think Dr. Phil said that?) and by acknowledging where you are--this sort of land of depression and sadness and not wanting to be in any relationships and not knowing what to do--you can begin the process of navigating your way out.

The post after that one that you wrote, the one where you respond to individual things and break down stuff--see how that post goes back onto the XW a good bit, on your perception that she's moved on and happy and you're so stuck? Ok...you got that out of your system, now leave it alone. Because any time you start comparing your progress or what you see as your lack of progress to her, you take the focus off you and put it back on her. And that ultimately is very destructive to you moving on.

You are very hard on yourself. You are very self-deprecating and you put yourself down a lot. You say you're not the best writer? I think you express yourself well. And I'm a published writer so I know what I'm talking about ;-)

You put yourself down a lot. Your self-esteem is pretty poor.

Try to find ways to reverse your comments about yourself. When you say you're a loser, you need to summon the courage to yell at the part of you that feels that way and argue with it and say no, I'm a survivor. If "winner" is too tough to conceive of, then just say you're a survivor and you're developing resiliency.

But again, I have to say that the post where you focused entirely on you, though you may have felt it was sad or painful to write, well, there is true honesty there in terms of your deep core feelings about yourself. THAT is the place you need to keep going back to to work on improving your self-esteem and confidence.

My doctor gave me a great tip. She said when we are really mired in deep depression, that sometimes we have to resist the urge to fix everything. She said "imagine you're in a snowstorm, and the snow all around you is the chaos and anxiety and depression, and instead of trying to ESCAPE the storm, your only job is to get your footing. That's it."

Just get your footing Tad. If all you can do is get through your day, go to work, and be sad, then whatever. It's something. You have to stop being so hard on yourself.

And the other thing I'd suggest is if you're on anti-d's and you're feeling a lot of low lows, perhaps consider medication switches. Sometimes those things have to be adjusted.

I'm not anti-d's anymore, but I am under the care of a naturopathic doctor who prescribes herbs and vitamins in supplements and if I take them they do take the edge off for me...sometimes we need to be on some form of medication for longer than we'd like to get through, but we do what we have to.

[AJM]

How can somebody be so hateful and that angry? It baffles me. What the hell are they angry about?

If you figure that out, you're just as crazy, Tad

Stop trying to fix crazy and the answers will come. Be still. You'll be surprised how the answers come to you when you really don't want them to. Try it. Put it in a box in a closet and let it sit. Plenty of times to take the pictures and memories out later, but for now, be still.

You're doing better at this than you think you are. You'll look back and wonder why you spent so much time worrying about things you can't control or understand. Like worrying about a supernova 7 light years from here - you can't do anything about it but wonder right now. Let that go, be still, and focus on you and the boys. You'll be surprised...

AJ

[job]

Tad,
Please listen to AJM!

You won't find the answer for why they are so angry and at what. They don't even know why they are that way. The best guess answer I can give you is that they are angry at themselves, the world and beyond. They aren't happy people and they haven't realized yet that they are the only ones that can make themselves happy.

The best advice that we can give you is to sit still and quietly...the answers will come when you least expect them. While you are doing this, turn the focus back on to you and your sons. Enjoy the time you spend w/them.

[seeking answers]

Tad,

Snodderly gave me the advice long ago to sit quietly and I would get answers. When I took her advice I found out that she was spot on! The answers do come.

Sitting quietly does not mean that you stop moving forward with your own life and what you want to make of it. It just means to focus on you and those answers will come, a lot of times when you least expect them. Kind of like a watched pot never boils thing.

[tadpole1025]

Thanks everyone. I appreciate the feedback. Antonia, you are correct when you say that my self esteem is low. It has always been low. It's even lower since the crazies began.

I found myself thinking this morning "maybe it is a good thing that she isn't getting married for another year. Maybe it'll give her a year to wake up." Who am I trying to kid though? Maybe she is already out of the tunnel and has "moved on."

You say you're not the best writer? I think you express yourself well. And I'm a published writer so I know what I'm talking about ;-)

Thanks. I actually wrote a short story about a year before the bomb. Believe it or not, it was a thriller and the two main characters in it were divorced. Oh the irony....

Tad