Tips for the Spouse with the Higher Sex Drive

[25yearsmlc]

Sure, what you say makes a lot of sense. I would certainly be happy if my wife would want to do anything, even in small stages. I would never expect her to jump immediately to the energy level I'd like to see.

But if you ask what I'd settle for, or what I'd wish for in the long-term, I'd be lying if I didn't admit I'm wishing for daily activity as an average. You say it would make sense if I stop wishing for what I'd like.

No I didn't exactly say that. I said wouldn't it make more sense to wish for something more likely, than something that has never existed with her?

You're sort of saying you wish your wife looked like Gwyneth Paltrow, though your wife is short and brunette, but you WANT to wish for that b/c it's what you'd prefer.

I asked if you ONCE had a decent sex life. Not referring to the "HJ"s but to what you had when you were first married. IF THAT was enough, then maybe you could aim for it since it actually existed.

IF THAT IS NOT ENOUGH, though it was then....then you have a serious problem you keep deflecting from...

which is that you are very very dissatisfied in your marriage, when it comes to sex-

But you won't DO anything to change it b/c you say you already have OR it won't work...


If she were willing to engage only once a week, how do I stop wishing for it daily? What do I do, just command myself to stop wishing?


You compromise. IMO, That's what every happily married couple does.


That's easier said than done for an HD person. Heck, if that were even possible, I'd just wish myself down to zero and I'd be happy with my current situation. Not possible.

It seems you're suggesting that my problem is the extremeness of my desire, and that if only I'd be happy with something like once a week, and I was OK with no "O" on her part, then she'd go for it.

I have never said that^^ but I think you like to believe it. I don't care about how often you want to have sex.

I DO think truly making love takes a lot more energy and attention than self service, so maybe if you were actually making love, you might find it harder to manage than you imagine, but I don't particularly care about the frequency you claim.

What matters is how your wife's utter lack of sex desire makes you feel.



If that's what you think you're misunderstanding my situation and confusing it with what I regard as "garden variety sexlessness", where sex would be back to normal if only the husband became more "reasonable" in his expectations. The problem is getting from absolute zero, even with the smallest steps.

No, I never required her to have an "O". Rarely even brought up the topic, and she never allowed to me to touch her in a way that would allow to try to have one. Contact and intimacy in terms of hugging and friendliness is there, but it's a very clear boundary, exactly as if she were my sister.

What does the marriage counselor you MUST have seen, say about all this? What does your wife SAY about your needs, other than you want it too much? She's not willing to compromise at all?

Doesn't that seem selfish and unloving to you?


As for resume what she was willing to do, the only thing in over 10 years is giving me an HJ. And maybe just once a week. With her clothes fully on --


No I was referring to when you had intercourse. You have children so I know it has to have happened at some point...why won't she at least do that much?

Also, IMO, it's just plain ODD to have your clothes on and do that^^^, instead of cuddling and having real intimacy...wth?



she's not into it being a more nude or sexual thing on her part. Do you really think it's reasonable to continue with that as the only form of sex for years? No sexual participation in any physical sense on her part, except for stimulating me?

DO I THINK THAT IS REASONABLE??
Why do you ask ME that?

I'm the one asking YOU, what the hell you are doing in a sexless marriage and why you come here. No, I do NOT think your situation is reasonable at all...

but you seem to be unable to get out of your situation.

Enough said.



Even if it's with an attitude of love on her part? It's not like she has any health problems that would make anything else difficult for her. It's more like, OK, you can get off, but I don't need to. So I guess I should be happy with that? I don't get to touch her in a sexual way? For an HD person who would like a lot more, this is difficult to sustain. So we had this and we discontinued because it was so limited and frustrating for both of us -- for her because she thought even once a week was a chore. And me because I thought it was ridiculously minimal.

SSM this is NOT about a "HD sex partner and a low sex drive" partner. It's a lot more serious than that. And a lot lonelier.

It's about a wife who isn't at all interested in her h physically NOR is she loving enough to pretend to be, or to want physical intimacy with him even though she knows it is important TO HIM...that's a huge problem.

What you discuss as making love when they're not necessarily in the mood suggests a far, far greater level of physical sexual intimacy and variety of touching.

So, sure, what I'm willing to settle for might be a problem, but it's not the first one. Getting any movement at all seems to be impossible too.

Like I've said before, she doesn't even see the point of sex, which isn't a surprising perspective for someone who has felt no desire for years. Like if I could be happy with just an HJ, why can't I just take care of it myself? Yes, that what's she's told me. And she bought my a Playboy magazine a few times as a well-meant gift. I suppose so I could take care of myself alone in the bathroom. She'd be fine if I could be happy with that.

My larger problem is that after years with such a minimal or nonexistent sexual life, I'm now MORE curious than most people what it would be like to have a really vibrant sexual partner. I can't just make that wish go away.

SSM, I don't get your emphasis on how you "want a REALLY VIBRANT sex partner" talk...

In reality, it seems to me you just want a willing lover.

That's not too much to ask for or expect, from a marriage.