Needing some guidance... 5

[25yearsmlc]

I just got off the phone with Leni, one of the DB counselors... I feel soooo much better. Still angry but I know what I need to do now. She told me that I need to enforce this boundary of my children not being around OW while we are still married.


If the reason you give your h is that the CHILDREN ARE CONFUSED and damanged in some way, or feel disloyal, you may get somewhere.

If it's about him being wrong, I don't think you will get far. You'll look punitive. A lot of courts won't enforce this either, as long as no damage is done to the kids.


Because apparently no one else in H's family is responsible enough to see what's wrong with it.

NOT necessary to say this^^^^ at all....Take that tone and keep it to yourself. Seriously, it's not helping you.

She said... you tell your H that if he wants to see them then he can come to your place to visit them because he has showed that he cannot be trusted. She said what him and his family are doing is called emotional abuse to a child.

Wow, I don't want to disagree with a DB coach but I question what you say she's telling you exactly.

the "Abuse" is that he's introducing them to OW? I've never heard a judge call it that.

Is there a unique angle to this sitch I'm missing JKS? I mean are they calling her "mom" or is someone demonizing you or what? (NOT that I agree with him introducing her to the kids, but I question the use of the word "abuse" b/c I'm thinking of it legally, which may not be what the coach meant).



No child should have to go through this. They continually feel like they're betraying their mother and they will show signs of this sooner or later. Which they already have.

IF you have some empirical data or at least anecdotal evidence or signs that the kids are suffering, make it ALL about that.

IMO, I'd say No condemning. Just SHARE your concern for the kids and appeal to your h's best qualities as a father/man,

so you give him something to live up to, rather than shaming him...further away...

So this week I will be enforcing this rule when I get them back. This is my first step to doing something different. I finally feel like I am getting control back and I'm sick to my stomach that I let it go on for this long. Leni said she is too.

Do what works...no cheeseless tunnels that make you look vindictive or as if you are disguising your anger in fake maternal concerns.

Be the mother you really are and make it all about them. Also if you want him to see the kids -how do you make it ONLY in your home?

You really want to look as if you are trying to force him to be around you? I mean, that's when you need to GAL.

So, what's your strategy for helping him to see the kids AND not have OW around. How will that work? Maybe you can get another session with a DB coach to get some details...

Are you in effect forcing him to move in with her to then have his own place?
I seriously doubt a court would intervene.

That's not my only concern...but it's my biggest.