I did speak with H's mother this morning. I asked her if she feels like this is right... does she like having OW at her house and invited to all of the family functions? She said, no... she hates seeing it but doesn't know what to do. I said, it's your house, why don't you put your foot down and tell H that as long as he's still married and WANTS to be married that he can't bring her over and around the family?
JKS, despite what the DB coach said, I'm not clear on what power you have in this sitch. Your mIl says she's NOT happy with the sitch and maybe she fears that by forcing your h to choose, he'll be more likely to move in with OW, right?
I mean, I have a son who is in love now and I often wonder what I'd do if they married and had problems later on. IF he brought an OW to our home...I do think I'd want to meet her ONCE...
(But what would I do if I believed he was NOT happy in his marriage before OW...what then? )
ANYHOW I just don't know how far you will get by pushing the "condemn them!" route. I can see it backfiring too. And the in laws not wanting to discuss much with you either. Just think out a strategy for efficacy.
B/C DBing 101 is,
Do what works, don't do what does not work.
He's making it so much harder because he's getting everyone emotionally connected which then just makes it impossible for him to end his R with her. No I don't think it makes it harder for HIM to end it BECAUSE he takes her around them a lot, But it makes it super awkward for them to pretend you are not on earth when they are around her. It makes it hard to erase you and they don't want to and they have grandkids to think of too...
And if they insist he not bring OW around, they'll probably see much less of him, AND less of their grandchildren AND OR he may move in with her b/c they'll be pushing him into OW's arms more....
I can see some legit reasons for your inlaws to feel stuck in not knowing what to do. Not just weakness on their end, but genuinely not knowing what to do.
She said, she knows she needs to say something because it makes her sick to her stomach everyday. I told her if she has a problem confronting him about it then tell her H to say something. JKS be VERY careful here. Tread lightly.
Beware of how pushy you may become in this situation. You are condemning their son, and telling them what to do, in their own home, and you sound morally indignant about it.
That can be a super big turn OFF, and you do not want to lose yourself in self righteous anger, which does NOT help you or your kids.
Sometimes this is not about being right, but about being happy.
This is not the time to backslide and lose your hard earned progress.
I just think H isn't really living with the consequences of his actions. He gets the best of both worlds and its so easy because his family has accepted his mistress with open arms. Whoah...your MIL just said it makes her sick to her stomach...why describe it as "open arms"? You are revising things...NOT helping you...
and do you really think he's proud of himself? You think he is "getting the best of both worlds" by what? How?
HE misses his kids, he's living in his parents home, he knows he's messed up the marriage and
now he'll have to regain your trust AND HOPE your changes are real
AND that he doesn't have to face a ton of anger from you, [i]which you clearly feel...[/i]
how great is all that? I guess I just don't see it that way.
Plus, don't forget,
it's NOT YOUR JOB to show him the consequences of his actions.
Life does that.
If you want to keep the road home, paved and smooth, remember that^^^.
I am NOT saying be a doormat! Keeping the road home paved and smooth is not the equivalent of doormating.
But this dictating to others is not going to work for you in the long run. It's out of your control
but you are clinging to an illusion that you can tell others what to do and make them do it.
What can you control? Oh yeah... Back to YOU...
I know I have to stop focusing on what he's doing and what his family is doing but this affects me and my children so much. SOOOOO MUCH!!! And H told the therapist that he sees now that I've made some huge changes and that he now could see how things could be better between us. um, why isn't that GREAT news? Just curious...
But he's also distanced himself from me so much that he doesn't know if he can come back from that. Awesome!
Did he SAY that he's "distanced" himself so much OR is that your take on it?
And if he did say it, it's not rocket science to fix it. IF you are too distanced, then close the gap.
But you can't be standing in the doorway of the home, arms crossed,
telling him how WRONG/SINFUL he is, if you want him to come home.
The home has to be a place he wants to be. What would that HOME look like?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
