I probably blew it.

[DaddyLongShanks]

I'm all right when I don't have to deal with her. If she would just leave me alone, I could detach.

If you have to detach to protect you, block her number, texts and emails. Do not talk to her unless it is regarding transactions regarding children. Seperate yourself as much as possible and work on your GAL. It feels good once your headed right. I would make a goal to not talk to her for a complete week.

Then what I've had to do, was find a way to reset my mental frame of reference after I've had to speak to her. "Get her out of my head" per say. It's tough, but can be done.

[BklynMom]

Time is on your side. Go slow and plan carefully. Take care of Robb and you kids and wait for your Wifey to catch up to the party

[robb]

She called me twice this evening on my cell, I didn't answer either time. Texted and asked her if she called, she said yes that she was just checking her phone. I didn't reply.

[~ kd ~]

If there is an OM, then little is likely to change until he's gone. And then it may take a while after he's gone, as she will mourn that loss for a while.

In the mean time, she is likely to not want to really connect with you, because she'd probably think she's cheating on the OM.

Bizarre, yet that often seems to be the case.

Third time's a charm?

You mention you are frustrated. Understandable. Yet you feel you may have blown it, so you sound like you're not ready to be done, yet.

You're doing a pretty classic "man" thing and running away into the cave and ignoring your W. That may not be the best idea.

She could have called any number of people, I'm sure, to check her phone. Yet... she chose to call you.

So my best guess is, she's trying to be sure you are still there for her (just in case) or she really is reaching out and trying to connect with you, yet... you've shut her out... because you feel hurt...

Often we talk about the pursuit / distance dance here. And how that can be a crazy cycle that should be stopped.

I wonder, in your case, if perhaps you need to let her catch you.

Do you really believe you have always "been there" for your W? Or is you holing yourself up in your man cave a pattern for you, when she just wants your attention?

[robb]

Kaffe, it seems if I jump when she beckons, I'm too eager and end up getting disappointed, so I am trying to be cautious and not appear overly eager and waiting for her call. I actually missed both calls (not on purpose) but I didn't call her back just because I had seen she had called.

She told me a couple of weeks back that I hadn't given her a chance to miss me.

[Vorlon]

Robb,

[edited by dbmod: reference not recommended nor allowed] It is a straight up, no BS, direct forum. They don't make nice just for the sake of it but will give it to you straight.

Your wife's comment about why God won't tell her to go home is a total cop out. She simply doesn't want to grow up and honestly why should she. You have put up with her behavior before. People treat us as we allow them too. She is getting the love drug from the OM and you have proven you will wait for her until the OM gets tired of her. Then she goes back to Plan B (you). All the while she can come home anytime and enjoy being a wife and mother. Then when that gets boring she goes back to the OM.

Sounds like the perfect life for her. You don't make a big enough fuss to cause her any trouble so why stop. I know people here don't advocate exposure but w/o exposure there is no consequence. Other forums strongly advocate exposure. Who's right, I certianly dont know but like most things it depends on the situation.
So if this is the way you want to live then fine, go home and quit complaining about it. She'll probably come back in a year or two any way. You'll be what 55/56 by then and then maybe you can have a few years of a somewhat tolerable marriage until she does it again because she'll want to see if she still has it before she is too old or some other BS excuse. Like my other post...It all up to you, its your decsion to make or not. But it is still a decsion.

Good luck my friend. I may come off as a hard a@# here but it is simply because your story touches a nerve for me. I see you being taken advantage of by being too much of a nice guy or just by a manipulative women. Take care of you and your daughter and do what is right for you no matter what people like me on the internet say, even though we all know everthing said on the internet is 100% true!! :-))

Vorlon


[EDITED BY DBMOD TO ADD: Exposure is NOT recommended, it can never be 'undone', and may well end your marriage.]

[~ kd ~]

Fair enough, robb. It's not like you needed to call her back to find out what was up.

I have reason why I don't think exposure it appropriate, although I do know that it can work in some situations. My concern always is the concern of potential domestic violence as a result of exposure. I'm not stating stats here, rather my direct experience with families / friends where violence including murder / suicide that was related to exposure.

Still, any path you choose is of course your decision, as Vorlon mentioned. Exposure MIGHT work for you.

Have you actually done LRT at any point? Not sure from your posts if you had ever fully detached. Is that a path that you are willing to follow, as well as the "after the last resort technique"? ie. Move forward with D

[Cadet]

What consequences you suggest Cadet?

My point is a boundary is only as good as its enforement.
Other than that it is an idle threat that becomes meaningless.

You must have something that YOU can CONTROL.

She is having an affair with OM. I have caught her and confronted. I ended up telling her she has two weeks to end it and make a damn decision.

So that is my question is this a threat or a boundary?

You could file for divorce, be no contact or do something else that might end you up in jail.

I would guess that none of it will end her crisis but you may be able to end her affair.

It is not my place to tell you what to do, that is your decision.

[labug]

^^^good advice.

I think this is an ultimatum, not a boundary so you've painted yourself into a corner.

[robb]

I really wish I could have no contact with her, it would help me GAL tremendously. Daughter is on her daily about coming home, I don't say anything to Wife about it. Daughter refuses to go stay with her at apartment because she knows it is not the right thing.

If it wasn't for children, moving on would be so much easier. She has been very nice to me the past few days, just wonder what's up.

I will try and update more tomorrow.