i'm good. i'm fine. more than fine.

[BFloat]

it's not always rosy..

although the majority of my days are happier.. there are still moments of sadness? regret? i'm not sure...

there are days when i feel like the life i have today no longer fits who i am. this home.. the daily routines.. they are things that were created based on being married. there are occasions when i'm standing in my home and everything looks familiar..and yet i feel so far removed.

maybe i need to move to get the fresh start i need? but i'm not quite sure what i want. perhaps if H found a permanent place and moved his stuff.. i could begin to create new memories here? dinner parties? evenings w/ friends and a bottle of wine?? i'm trying so hard to find my place...

i had to see H yesterday to have him sign some insurance papers. i really felt fine. i even had him take S to have his hair cut while D and i went to the pet store etc. it was very much like what we use to do. afterwards.. i had H walked outside to the area where i had parked the car (not my usual area). H didn't help w/ the kids to the car but he stood around and made a phone. i didn't think anything of it. but even after he made the phone call, i was surprised to see him standing around watching me put the kids in the car and then drive away. he stood there to watch us leave (he use to do this a lot a home.. and wave goodbye to the kids).

that image of him standing there made my heart hurt. not because i wanted him.. but it was a reminder of the life that no longer exists. and in that moment i felt so sad... knowing we both had to move on.

there you go. i have made the decision that if H does not file by the beginning of next year.. then i will file the D papers myself. many days i am happier.. at peace.. but there are days where there is that underlying sadness that i wonder if it will ever go away...