WHG: And so we file...

[workinghardguy]

Yeah... I know. Her share has probably grown about $1500 so far and grows around $250 a month.

Where I wrestle is if somehow this D doesn't happen then I never send that money away. If we do D she gets it. I'd like to think she'll stick most of it in a retirement account and if we end up recon some day then we can reconnect the funds. But I also know her... and what's most likely is that the money will be gone in short order and even if we do recon there will be nothing left.

[~ kd ~]

The most common answer is, filing D changes nothing but a legal, marital description.

You have kids and so the two of you will forever be in each other's lives... to death do you part, as they say...

You'll still need to figure out how to live your own life, emotionally unattached to your W's behaviours, and be the best person and parent you can be.

[chatterbug]

Well you need to back track to when she moved out for all the status of accounts. Also back to when you got married as you will be able to work on keeping that.

You need to track expenses.

You need to track extra money to her and from her.

As this will all play out down the road.

Prepare now if you have not. Best to start on splitting it based on when she came

And down the road if you do reconnect. Do a pre-nup.

[figgeroni]

you can always ask in the divorce that her share of the retirement ends the day she moved out

[sayitaintso]

I understand how you feel about considering filing for D. I do not see my w coming back and have considered it as well as she has made no further movement towards filing.

Anyhow, you stated you don't want it so I would continue doing what your doing and re-evaluate in a month or so.

I want my heart to match my brain before I make that decision and right now they are not there yet, how about you?

[workinghardguy]

I don't know where my heart is... If the D would actually make the hurt stop then I'm there, but it really won't. It just changes the legal standing.

I wish I knew why the past two weeks have just been so hard. I feel like I'm back six months ago. Not necessarily in the attachment part... that's still better. I don't get phased by her mood swings or issues anymore.

But it's just hurt so much the past two weeks... more than in a really long time. Maybe it's because I've seen so little of her in the past few weeks. Prior to that we were still in contact often because of the kids. I just wish I knew what had changed because I'd really like to go back to my prior state.

Or maybe it's just another stage of grief... moving towards acceptance.

But I do feel stuck. I know the mantra is to hold on for at least one more day longer. That today isn't the day I'm going to give up.

Just without much hope. So I don't know where my heart is... I don't think it's fully there yet though.

[2thepoint]

Or maybe it's just another stage of grief... moving towards acceptance.

A friend who is divorced tells me that even when you think you have moved past all of the emotional pain of separation and drawing up divorce papers, etc. The pain tends to come back again with a vengeance once the divorce is final or near final.

I think it is just a part of the process.

Hang int here!

[workinghardguy]

Guess this was all just an academic exercise... W wants to meet tomorrow morning to finally notarize the papers.

Guess that saves me the work, right? C'est la vie.

Tuesdays are my "home" nights that I try and catch up on stuff. No kids, no activities... bad night for that I guess.

There's always tomorrow.

[labug]

So sorry, WHG, you've been on this journey for quite a while. Even tho you knew it was in the works, the finality must be difficult.

[workinghardguy]

Amazing what a walk with the dog can do for your attitude

Thanks LA... but there isn't finality, right? As 25 has said, "It ain't final until the WAS says 'I do' to someone else"

That doesn't mean I'm going to sit here and pine away counting the minutes until she may return. But it also doesn't mean the fat lady has sung.

Life goes on. Really no other choice, right?

On the walk I recalled the comments from a woman I was talking to last week.. "you're good looking, you seem like a really nice guy, you have a really good paying job, and why are you single? You must just be taking time off." LOL... well, yes, sort of

The walk made me realize I've gotten sloppy the past few months. Maybe it's been depression, old habits, whatever... but I look at the goals I had and some I've certainly done. I have more GAL. I continue to improve my R with SS, SD. I am loving all the time S and I get together with no one to answer to.

But I put back on all the weight I lost. I stopped exercising when W moved downstairs in January where the treadmill is. Then when she moved out I made the excuse of trying to figure out how to do this with a new schedule in place of childcare, etc... When the reality is I just stay up too late and eat crappy because I can

I started changing that back last week, but need to continue. I need to continue cleaning up the financial mess my W left in the wake of her departure. I'm on top but need to make more headway.

I'm going to go down to the notary tomorrow morning with a smile and positive attitude. Maybe I'll even buy myself a coffee and bring her one too. This is what it is. We both own parts of it. Somewhere recently I've started to lose my compassion for her.

Time to get back to living my life. For too long I think I've mistaken and held on to this lack of filing as my "lifeline". As things really aren't going to go to hell in handbasket before they might ever get better.

But I guess they will. And that's fine. Countless of others have survived and thrived... I can too.