Hey all--I finally have my mind clear enough and calm enough to sit and put this all down. I will keep all future post and updates here as well. I don't know how much to go into but I will try and share as much as possible.
My wife and I have been married for 10 years last April. We dated for a year before that and we were friends for another year before that. So a total of about 12 years into our relationship.
Things were great for a very long time. We did lots of things together.
Then, 5 years ago, we had a son. And that is where I believe things started to break down.
When our son was born, she had a natural child birth and there was quite a bit of "damage". She had to be cut as well. We were told to wait 6-8 weeks before resuming normal sexual contact. We did wait.
I should note here that before our son was born, we had a very, very active sex life. She seemed to want it and enjoy it as much as I did. We were probably engaged in some sort of sexual activity I would say 4-5 times a week.
Now fast forward about a year after we resume sex---our sex is now down to once a week or once every other week. It is our anniv. and her parents have our son for the night. We go out to dinner and a movie then back home. We start to fool around then about halfway into "the act" I notice a horrible look on her face. I stop and ask what is wrong. She hems around a bit but she finally tells me that it is hurting really bad. More than normal. I ask what does that mean? "More than normal?" She then tells me that sex has been extremely painful for her since our son was born and she has been "faking it" ever since just to keep me happy.
I should also note here that at some point she struggled with post partum(sp?) depression for about year as well and was on meds for it.
I was devastated. It bothered me that she kept up the charade for so long and it bothered me that she didn't tell me sooner.
So since the last 5 years our relationship has lost almost all intamacy. She would "do things" for me and I would in return rub her back or her feet or whatever.
She then developed issues with sleeping and said my snoring made it worse. I tried several things to help my snoring but she said it still bothered her alot. So I started to sleep in the guest bedroom or on the couch.
In the last few years--we have become really distant. I contineud to talk with her--talk about my day--good or bad, while she would withdraw even more. We spoke several times of going to marriage counseling but nothing ever would come of it. We would buy MC books by Dr. Phil and others but they would just sit.
I had the nerve several times to ask her if she didn't want or care about sex at all(she had said this several times) then why should she care if I slept with another woman. O know that it was a huge mistake--and I told her I didn't want or desire to sleep with anyone else, but I was just trying to further the conversation.
She is very, VERY non confrontational. She never says a peep when something is bothering her and only withdraws more when I notice something is wrong and ask about it. I am the type that WANTS to talk about things and get them out.
Ok--so now fast forward to our anniv a few months ago in April. I had received some very bad advice on another forum. I read that I should act like or leave little hints that I was having an affair and judge her reaction. I started to think of how I could do it, but in the end I didn't do it. In fact, I was honest about it and told her as an admission of guilt. I told her it was immature and would be hurtful to her so it was something I didn't want to do.
That was her turning point.
So last month we are on a family vacation. Me, her, our son, my teenage daughter from my 1st marriage, and her parents. On the 2nd or 3rd day she just seemed pissed off at me about everything. No matter what I did or said was wrong.
Later that day, I need to make a call about a job interview, so I went into her purse to get a pen and paper for something to write on while I talked to the guy about the interview. It was then that I found her appt card for a therapist she had been seeing. Me going into her purse had never been an issue. She put things of mine in her purse all the time and that is where we kept things for our son. There has never been one time there was ever an issue of me going into her purse--in fact she only started even caring a purse after our son was born.
So later that night at bed time I told her about the job interview and we talk for a few min about the day and I asker her about the appt card for the therapist. She said she had only seen her 3 times because she was miserable and very unhappy. She didn't love me anymore and wants a divorce.
Thats been a month ago.
She is 100% adamnet things cant be fixed.
She agreed to go to one MC session with me and then we would see what happens next. We wnet to to session and within the first 10 min she says she is only there to try and get help to manage our post divorce relationship.
To make things worse, I am not working now. I quit my job last year to go back to school full time to finish my degree. It was something she agreed with at the time and supported. The plan was for her to go back to school for her MS degree when I was done.
So I have a year left starting next month.
She wants to do a DIY divorce and avoid lawyers and the chance of it getting ugly. I think she wants that as well to avoid her having to pay me more than what a judge would most likely give me in a settlement.
She says she's not having an affair, but I am only 50/50 on believing that.
OK--sorry for the very long post. I am sure I left alot out. I will only update here in this thread.
TY all for the patience with me. You all know how and what I am going through now.
She emailed me and told me she is bothered and awkward and not comfortable living in the same house together. She wants to go ahead and get the divorce papers started and get on with our lives.
I'm still a relative newbie working on my own problems, but I'll throw out some things that came to my mind:
Have you guys been to her doctor to figure out what the physical issue is? If it was me, I'd be digging into that to try to understand it more at the very least. This is not her problem, it's both of yours.
It sounds like you've pushed a lot of guilt on her, and she is lost. Maybe she thinks she's doing you a favor by cutting you lose to find someone else.
My W is non-confrontational as well...but a lot of this has to do with how we've chosen to problem solve historically....fighting. When we take an issue and calmly discuss our feelings, she's much more willing to engage.
Your love language sounds like physical touch. what do you think hers is? Have you been giving her that? (check out The Five Love Languages if this is foreign to you)
Have you read DR or DB yet? Definitely get a copy asap.
"I should also note here that at some point she struggled with post partum(sp?) depression for about year as well and was on meds for it.
I was devastated. It bothered me that she kept up the charade for so long and it bothered me that she didn't tell me sooner"
Sorry you find yourself here. But can you splain the charade remark a bit? At the top of this thread there is a post that says Sandi's 37 rules, read them. You also need the DR book and if you can get a phone coach, they are great. Keep posting so we can get to know u.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
She visited her doctor several times about the pain the doc would only give her lidocaine and tell her to put it on before sex. She said it didn't help. I had asked her several times to find another doctor but she never would
I admit this was a huge issue and I probably did add a lot of guilt and stress over it
What I mean by charade is it really hurt and bothered me that she would "fake it" during sex just to keep me happy or not to upset me. After the first few times and she knew something was wrong, why not be open and tell me that sex is painful and it's something that we need to see other doctors about. Instead of being open and honest with me about it, she chose to hide it until the pain was no longer something she could hide.
The last few months, before the D bomb, I have told her that I was no longer bother her with my needs and that she did not have to stress anymore about it.
I do have the DR book. It came in today. I am on page 70. I will look into the other book mentioned as well
Joey. Pretending to have an affair was just plain wrong.
When you said to her that you needed sex. That was right.
But you should have expanded on it.
You should have explained to her how love making is for a man. It is how you know that you are loved by your woman. That you need the physical openness and being vulnerable. That you need to feel attracted to by your woman. That it is important in the marriage. That you are attracted to your wife and desire her. That not having sex was destroying your self esteem and causing issues in the marriage.
Then this could have lead to the painful feelings down there.
And could have lead to a conversation on going to the doctor to find out what is wrong and to get it fixed. Fully supporting her and leading in an issue that is your problem.
If she decided that there was to be zero sex from here on out.
You could have explained to her that she has no right to make a unilateral decision like that which affects the both of you. That you explained your thoughts on the situation and that it is up to her to work on her issues with sex.
Then if she said no. Then you had the choice. To live in a sexless marriage or to end this relationship and then move on to one that is more appropriate for you.
You are right to express your thoughts.
So now your in a tight spot.
You have to finish your schooling.
You wish to work on the marriage.
So back off.
Concentrate on your schooling. No melty man. No I love you's. No taking crap behavior from her. You be honest and a gentleman.
You sit her down.
You say to her.
"Wife. You and I decided that I would be going back to school and then you would be going back to school. That we would support each other through this. For us to divorce now would be a financial hard ship on the both of us. For I will seek alimony and custody of our child through legal means.
I am willing to repair our marriage. For the both of us to put in the work and build a better marriage. I am 100% committed to this path. Through communication and hard work.
But if you are not then you have the choice to leave the house. But I will remain here with our child. "
That is leading.
Your goal should be to work towards rebuilding yourself to a point where you would be comfortable saying this.
Because you do not want to live in the limbo.
This is early for this to be written. But your main goal is control and work on yourself.
She can work on her issues.
You need to start to lead.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
Thanks. I agree 100 percent. To pretend to have an affair for any reason is just immature and wrong. Please re- read. Though I thought about it, I didn't do it. I even admitted it to her and told her once I thought it through just how hurtful and immature it would be. I apologized and told her I would never think about doing such things again.
We had the sex talk over and over again. She said it made her feel like that is all I wanted her for. I could see her point. I also explained just how rejected I felt. She never showed any desire to talk to other doctors or seek other ways of addressing the problem. We both just seemed to talk it to death with the same argument every time. ( argument 7 from the DR book)
Though you may be right in your suggestion of what I should say to lead, I am afraid of what will happen should I say that to her now. I am not far enough along or strong enough yet to take that approach.
So since the last 5 years our relationship has lost almost all intamacy. She would "do things" for me and I would in return rub her back or her feet or whatever.
This is jumping out at me. Maybe you talked about this with her in more detail. I hope so. What it sounds like though is that you (and some guys responding to you on here) are assuming that because intercourse is painful, W has no sexual needs or desires. That's a big assumption.
You mention that she would "do things" to meet your sexual needs and you don't mention that you did anything to meet her sexual needs. Ouch. That's not something a doctor can fix, guys.
